Sleepless Nights

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  • This gluten challenge is killing me

    Bleurgh. This gluten challenge has sucked all the energy out of me. Amy has been …. a nightmare.

    Case in point:

    I baked the test wedding cake this weekend. Leveled the layers, wrapped them and left them on the bench. I also left the levelled bits wrapped on top of everything. I’d made lemon curd for the filling, straining eggs, stirring for ages and finally straining and cooling.

    So when I woke up to tears and tantrums at 5.50am and stumbled out to the lounge room, only to discover that the tantrums were over the fact she couldn’t carry the bowl of lemon curd back to bed with her, I was a little upset.

    There were also cake crumbs all over the house and lemon curd all over the floor and just ugh. She’d also stirred greek dressing into the curd and well, we’re just not thinking about that. (I couldn’t taste it after I strained it again and gave it a good stir. We’ll just ignore that fact.)

    I nearly cried.

    She tipped pine-o-clean on Isaac, she’s been racing to do things FASTER as I yell NO! and run for her and just ohmigod.

    OhMYgod.

    I’m ready to be done.

    I feel like I’ve had all the energy sucked right out of me. Shhhhhlrp. Gone.

    On the upside, the blood test is on Friday and Thursday will be the last day of gluten.

    So um yeah, WOO HOO!

  • I have a confession

    I have a confession.

    You know how a lot of people worry about messing up their kids? Yes? Well… I don’t. I never soul searched while pregnant with Amy, wondering how it would go if I did everything wrong. How she’d grow up if I fucked it up.

    Never. Not once. I still don’t. Somehow, I trust implicitly that I’m not going to fuck it up, that even if I make mistakes, I’m pretty sure both kids are going to be okay. I love them unconditionally and I’m happy that some days, that’s enough.

    However, I worry that I’m going to fuck up these horses.

    I worry about that a lot.

    I think part of that is the fact that I haven’t actually ridden in oh, about 6 years? And that now I’ve got horses that I am responsible for and ohmigod, I think I’ve forgotten how to put a bridle on. How am I meant to be the ‘alpha mare’ if I’ve completely forgotten what I’m meant to be doing?

    Emma is forgiving. Belle, probably not so much. Belle is highly strung. She’s more interested in being a horse than having human interaction. Getting a halter on her the other day was an exercise in patience.

    Cue minor panic attacks.

    And it’s stupid, truly it is, to be having panic attacks over horses. Horses for goodness sake.

    I think I just need to remind myself  that everything will be fine. That doing something wrong once is not going to fuck everything up forever.

    You know, as long as the ‘something wrong’ is not something major. Like uh, forgetting everything I’ve ever known.

    I wish Nan were still alive.

    And breathe.

    ***

    I suppose this is as good a time as any to announce that my other website ‘Two Mares‘ is live. I’m over there writing about the horses and the issues I’m having/not having with them.

    Feel free to click over and have a look. I’ll be editing this post for language and cross-posting it there too.

    You could even subscribe for me…

    If you’re interested that is.

  • The new floor.

    As promised a few days ago, I give you …

    THE NEW FLOOR!

    New Floor 2

    New Floor

    Again

    It’s been in for almost a week now and I’m still loving it. It makes the kitchen look so much better, even if it shows off the extreme crappiness of the rest of the kitchen.

    It’s wood look vinyl and it was installed by Hayes Flooring, who sadly, don’t have a website. They should fix that. Every business should have an easily found website. No really, they should who apparently have got themselves a website in the last few weeks. Yay! I’ve got no complaints about the installation, all up it took 3 days, for the tearing up of the floor and then the laying of the new vinyl. I’d recommend Hayes to everyone.

    (It probably helps that Hayes worked with my insurance so I personally didn’t have to pay a cent for the installation. Just the excess fees. Although, that probably counts. Hell, I’m not complaining. Brand new floor people!)

    Even better though? It means Isaac can play in the bathroom while I shower, so I’m not worrying about him choking and dying while I stand under the hot water. The old floor was full of staples and nails and poky bits and it was just hideous.

    Here’s some photos from the pulling up.

    Old floor

    Newspaper underneath

    It was a mess the first day. The guy who pulled everything up did a good job getting all the newspaper up. A good portion of it looked like it had been glued down. it was a bit of a nightmare.

    Oh and these photos for the hell of it.

    Amy in the TV cabinet

    Amy likes to pull all the magazines out of my TV cabinet and hide in there. In this photo she’s shouting HEY! after I opened the door and snapped her photo. She’s very cute.

    Isaac 8.5mths

    And Isaac. He got his first tooth yesterday night. It’s very exciting. At least it was, until he bit my nipple today. I’m slightly less excited about his tooth. It’s very SHARP and NIPPY and he tries to chew on me. ‘

    Not fun Isaac.

  • Welcoming…

    Firstly, lets get the freak-out out of the way: My laptop charger is DYING, like it won’t work properly and I can’t get it to work and the replacement won’t be here for another 2 weeks.

    Sob.

    Commence freaking out. (Edit: I’ve gotten it working again. However, I think it’s only a matter of time before it dies for good.)

    Now, I’d like to welcome some girls to my family.

    Emma

    This is Emma.

    Belle

    And this is Belle.

    They were delivered (delivered! yes! I know how lucky I am) early this morning and have spent the day making themselves at home.

    I couldn’t be more pleased.

    Emma is the dominant horse. She can get a little bossy.

    Bossy

    But she is more than happy to be patted and brushed. We’ll get some halters this week and see how she is to be handled. They are both very sweet tempered so I don’t foresee any major problems.

    They’re both in need of a good home and lots of food. Both have been a bit neglected prior to ending up at the place I got them from.

    Belle was an ex-racer. However, she wasn’t fast enough and ended up retired. She’s long and leggy and will probably be the horse I ride.

    Emma is stockier and stronger. She’s good natured and dominant. Prior to ending up at my place, she was ridden by children and beginners. She will be the horse I teach Nathan to ride on.

    Both horses were a bit wary of the camera. Until I let them sniff it. And honestly, what’s a little bit of horse snot to worry about?

    Bokkeh

    Belle

    I think I’m in love. I’d forgotten how calm horses make me. I almost feel I can breathe again. I haven’t felt this … centred since Nan died.

    And breathe.

    (photos of the floor tomorrow) (maybe)(if you’re interested)

  • Writing from a corner, where I’ve hidden.

    We’re a week into our gluten challenge.

    And.

    Can I quit now? Please?

    It’s been insane. So insane that I no longer think people are joking when they talk about climbing the walls. Because I think I’ve broken all my fingernails trying to climb mine.

    She’s been … insane. It’s horrible. I want my daughter back.

    I locked myself in the bathroom this morning, in order to shower alone. When Amy discovered that I’d locked the door, she had a tantrum.

    Then, she climbed back into the kitchen and pulled every single key off my laptop keyboard. I got out of the shower to find a little girl, holding my laptop, surrounded in little black keys.

    Now, before you yell, yes, I’d put the laptop away.

    Isaac is reacting to the big ball of stress that is his sister by squealing. Lots. And screaming in anger when his will is thwarted. And screaming andscreamingandscreaming.

    He’s been screaming, quite a lot. Ear piercing, make you want to curl up and hide, make your ears bleed type screaming.

    It’s been … stressful. To say the least.

    In other news, my floor is all pulled up! And tomorrow, they will be laying the new hardwood underlay and vinyl.

    And there will be (everything going well) horses arriving on Saturday. The stable is all cleaned out and things are just about in place.

    I’m excited about the floor and horses.

    I’ve got no idea how I am going to make it through another 16 days of gluten.

    Sigh.