I awoke early this morning with Isaac snoozing soundly – still at my breast and a crick in my neck from where I had been sleeping sitting up all night. It wasn’t yet dawn, so I wiggled him over to his side of the bed and swaddled him, before arranging my pillows and attempting to fall back asleep.
A minute later, my soundly snoozing boy was wide awake, well aware that he had been moved and he was more than willing to let me know how unhappy he was at this fact.
And this is how my days and nights go.
Isaac is more than happy to sleep, just provided that he is sleeping on my chest or breast without interruption from me or anyone else. Woe is Isaac if I try and put him down for just a moment to do anything minor in his eyes, like pee or eat. Unfortunately for Isaac, using the toilet and eating are kind of neccessary to my survival and therefore, his.
It would maybe be easier to be a human pillow all the time if there was another human pillow that Isaac would be content to swap me with. Say, maybe the other human who helped give him life. But no, apparently I am the only one who will do. Some days I would be more than happy to stagnate on the couch, with nothing more to do than change nappies, breathe in the smell of a warm baby and breastfeed, but there are two other people in this house, plus me and things need doing. Which, yet again apparently only I can do.
So, this morning I awoke with a baby on my chest and after trying to move him, 10 minutes later he was back on my chest and fast asleep while I made the best of it and dozed myself. I’m tired, I’m strung out, my breast is still sore and there are these two short people who need every ounce of me that I have to give.
No matter that they have another parent. A PERFECTLY GOOD other parent, who has changed his working hours in order to be home nearly all day every day, who gets a PERFECTLY GOOD amount of sleep each night and should in theory be PERFECTLY GOOD at changing nappies and giving cuddles and preparing sandwiches.
Heh.
I’m thankful it’s Sunday and Nathan doesn’t work today at all.
I’m thankful that I went into town with Nathan while he worked yesterday and managed to cope for 3 hours alone with both children – Amy in the stroller, Isaac in the sling, not a playground in sight and I didn’t go insane or lose Amy. God knows I needed to get out of my house. This SAHM thing would be a lot easier if the staying home part wasn’t exactly what we do every day.
***
I’m also feeling a little strung out, because the mother of our kittens disappeared 6 days ago. Hit by a car? Caught in a trap? Shot? We don’t know. We do know that her five kittens were much to young to be weaned, although we are trying to make the best of it.
Unfortunately we started with five kittens and are down to three today. Seven killed two by ‘playing’ too hard. Unfuckingfortunately she two she killed were two of the kittens who had mastered the eating of food and weren’t doing too badly at all.
I now have 3 kittens living in my bathtub [so they can’t make too much mess, they haven’t mastered cleaning themselves yet] hampering my showering and keeping me on tenterhooks as I keep them alive by the skin of their teeth. Yesterday I was hopeful that all three would survive, they were healthy and active and LOUD and not having too many issues with their eating.
This morning I am worried about two of them and wishing I had the equipment and the inclination to bottle feed them. There is something that goes against every bone in my body to be all ‘come what may’ and let them take their chances. Dammit, I don’t want to let them die, no matter how much easier that would be; for me now and in the long run.
Sigh.
