Sleepless Nights

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  • I Never Thought A Nose Was So Cute Before

    Baby at 13 weeks
    Baby at 13 weeks

    So, I had my NT scan today to check for Downs Syndrome (I am going to call it an excuse to see my baby’s heartbeat again).

    The little one kicked and wiggled it’s way into many and varied positions (none of which the sonographer wanted, but all of which were very cute). Luckily I had the patient guy who is willing to answer questions and he spent alot of time smiling at the little one and pointing things out to me.

    Like the nose, as seen above.

    I am so very relieved to have seen the little one so active and to see a nice strong heartbeat (165bpm for anyone interested).

    AND even bigger news! I had thought I was feeling flutters for a while now, but was also telling myself that it was wishful thinking, today the ultrasound confirmed that I can feel about 70% of the moving the baby is doing (I was feeling and watching at the same time. Very cool).

    So all is well in my world today.

  • It’s Hard

    I find it hard to write lately.

    Not because there is nothing to write about, but because it is hard sitting here putting words on a screen and wondering how they will be received in real life.

    My Mum reads here.

    So does Nan.

    And it must be hard for them to read that I’m coping badly sometimes. That all this is hard for me too. Not to mention that as you leave comments Nan is reading them too.

    So it is hard. I can imagine they are pulled between protecting me ‘their little girl’ and letting me deal with it exactly the same as they are. The hard way.

    I find that I am walking a fine line between being honest with myself (and writing it) and not wanting them to worry about me, or how I am coping. The last thing I want Nan to feel is that she has to protect me and hold my hand. I don’t want to put that kind of stress on her, because at the end of the day, this isn’t about me and how well I am dealing with it.

    It isn’t even really about how any of us are coping with it. It’s all about how we can manage to pull through this together and survive emotionally to tell the tale.

    I am writing this because for the last 2 days I have been steadfastly not coping. I have been teary and exhausted and catatonic on the couch. I have been not coping at all.

    And by not coping I feel that it kind of puts me at a disadvantage. I don’t want to be protected, I don’t want to have people worrying about how I am.

    I will be fine. Honestly.

    I want to be able to not think about it until I need to. I want to be able to place it in the ‘do not open’ section of my brain and leave it alone until the 28th. I want to be able to be superwoman and turn off all my emotions for a bit.

    It doesn’t work like that though, so I vent to my blog. And don’t doubt it, this is venting. I don’t have a close girlfriend I can ring and cry to. Most days I don’t even get to leave my damn house! So I blog and vent and cry and leave myself wide open to the interpretation of the internet.

    Aside from Nan, there is other stuff going on at the moment. It all makes for a great deal of stress and a good deal of unbloggable material.

    And dammit, I am pregnant too! It took me 16 fucking months to get myself knocked up and I am so so scared that I will be thrown back into the TTC pool without a live baby on my hands. I don’t talk about it much, but somehow, when getting pregnant has been so hard, you realise just how fragile it all is and you worry just a little bit more about things.

    I hit 13 weeks tomorrow so I know that my chances of a miscarriage have dropped alot, but I still worry; probably more than I should.

    Repeats after me, everything will be fine in the end. everything will be fine in the end. everythingwillbefineinthend.everythingwillbefine…

  • It Might Be Hormones…

    It might just be hormones, but lately anything that doesn’t go right makes me want to kill things (think Nathan looked at me funny, Amy broke ALL her egg cups, my site wouldn’t load, I can’t get wordpress to upgrade etc etc.) or cry. OR maybe it is the fact that no matter how much I sleep I still feel like sleeping (does exhaustion make you want to cry too?).

    Heh.

    I was looking forwards to the end of my first trimester; banking on increased energy and lack of nausea. The nausea seems to be easing (although I still feel a little off) but my energy levels? Are dropping fast. Apparently growing a whole other human being while looking after a toddler is more exhausting than I anticipated.

    I also have the problem that all food looks…. kinda gross. I can’t be bothered cooking for myself and when I do cook for everyone else, I can’t bring myself to eat it. Meat makes me want to retch, toast is okay sometimes and anything with fat just makes me nauseous.

    I can eat fruit (just not banana’s) and I can eat salad (as long as it has a vinegar based dressing). Vegies are out (*shudder*) except for very very small portions of roast potato.

    I guess the only thing I can think of is to juice my own fruit and live on it, but I don’t have a juicer. Milk is okay and I have been feeling like cereal (I think because of the milk factor), but I am feeling like I am not eating enough.

    I am definitely still losing weight too and that worries me. I know that if I lose weight I will end up sick again and I really don’t want that to happen.

    So I am asking for food tips. What foods can you eat when nothing else looks good? What foods worked for you when you were pregnant? What foods work when you are hung over?

    What can I eat that will add more calories and stuff to my diet without making me want to retch.

    Help!

  • Articulation

    I am an articulate person. You could almost say that I was wordy or that I talk too much.

    Lately though, I find myself having a very hard time articulating how I am feeling. I spend alot of time just wishing Nathan would think to ask how I was doing, but then when he does ask, I say ‘I’m okay’ and leave it at that.

    Seriously how is he meant to know that digging deeper might turn up other stuff? I am always fine and good and okay for everyone because that is the POLITE thing to be.

    In reality I am not fine all the time. Sometimes I am not okay. I don’t cope all the time; I’m not sleeping well and I keep having bad dreams.

    Not okay at all.

    But, the flip side is that I don’t think I am not not okay. I think I am doing alright, on a day to day basis. I am refusing to think about anything that might happen after the PET scan results are back (still no word on the dates).

    I just, don’t want to think about it right now. And doubtless when I have to think about it, I will spend all my time being matter of fact and simply dealing with the results.

    That’s how I cope.

    [We will pointedly ignore the fact that I spend a week coping and then a day where I fall to pieces badly. I figure as long as I can keep this up and time my falling to pieces to times when I have leisure to deal with it, then I will be okay]

    It’s hard though. It’s hard not to think of afterwards and the fallout. Hard not to plan Christmas when we don’t know how things will be.

    I have written and unwritten this post in various forms in the last fortnight. I think that outwardly I am coping so well, I don’t want my family to know that at times, I am finding this shit hard.

    I don’t want hugs and sympathy from them. I don’t want to have to think about it, or be held, or have to deal with people wondering how I am coping.

    I will cope until I can’t. Then I will cry until I can.

    And then I will cope again.

    That’s how it works.

    But don’t doubt me, this shit is hard.

  • Stereotyping

    I mentioned to Xbox that it had been freezing here lately and that there would likely be a frost in the morning. He seemed surprised and said that you don’t tend to think of Australia and cold in the same sentence.

    Now, what I want to know, is that true? Do people from other countries really assume that Australia is like a tourist pamphlet? You know, Bondi Beach and kangaroos hopping in front of setting suns?

    (I am not being nasty here, I am honestly curious of your impressions of Australia in general. The stereotype if you will)

    I think personally that America is too large to have a stereotype for me, but others might disagree.

    Canada, I always think of masses of snow and Ice Hockey (I had a Canadian teacher once who loved ice hockey and lived in a snowy area. Go figure).

    India –  I think of crowded streets, food vendors and not great living conditions.

    Britain – Rain. Dismal grey streets and buildings (I probably watch too much TV)

    …etc etc. Do you see what I mean though? Some places seem to carry stereotypes with them and I am honestly curious to know what stereotypes live in your heads.

    [Hopefully enough people from different countries decide to visit me today, or this post will need a fail sticker slapped on it]

    Fess up!

    Oh and just for Xbox, here are some photos of the [lack] of snow we got this morning. All the hills were covered, but unfortunately none settled for us.