Sleepless Nights

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  • The Best News

    Yesterday was a strange day.

    Actually, it has been a strange few days, but yesterday was stranger than most.

    Yesterday, I was sick all day. I ate crackers and was able to cope, although having to make meals for Amy damn near killed me (2 minute noodles anyone?).

    So I suffered through it, knowing that sometimes my wacky body and CFS makes me nauseous for no reason. I wasn’t particularly worried about it, I figured it would go away.

    Then when I went to the toilet last night, I had a big gush of bright red blood. I say big, but it was probably only about a teaspoon full or so.

    I grabbed a tampon, as you do and went about my business. I wondered about the colour (I never have bright red blood) but didn’t think anything of it, until I went to the loo just before bed and discovered that the bleeding had completely disappeared.

    [insert much cursing of cycle here]

    I waited until the morning, discussed it with Nathan (who wasn’t that interested, but I beat up on him until he paid attention to me. ie: I placed my very cold feet on his very warm legs) and then, once I found that there had been no more bleeding, I did a pregancy test.

    Yes, that is indeed a positive result. The photo makes it fainter than it really is because the damn camera doesn’t have a macro feature, thus all photos have to be taken from 30cm away. It is a faint result still, although definitely, pinkly there.

    And yes, today I am still feeling nauseous. Probably more so that yesterday, but crackers are good.

    So, I am pregnant. FINALLY. 12 months of trying and the very worst, train wreck of a cycle is the one that works out. Heh.

    Who says that stess stops conception?!

  • Flamed

    As bloggers, we regularly get trolls and flamers. This doesn’t stop it sucking each and every time it happens. It still feels like a kick to the guts and still leaves us questioning our words and intentions.

    Mostly trolls and flamers spread their nastiness in your comments section, or via nasty emails (I have been lucky enough to avoid emails, mostly because my trolls don’t like to be recognised).

    So, when I found myself flamed in another blogs comments, I was shocked to say the least. Then I was stressed and then I had to laugh about the number of mistakes this person made in their comment.

    Lets just say, I don’t think they are familiar with blogging at all.

    Anyway, Mum has written a post about it, including a link to the post where I was flamed. Thanks Mum.

    I know that as bloggers, the best thing is just to ignore the trolls and hopefully they will go away. However, this just seems a little bit more personal. Go visit Mum, and see the comment and you will see why.

    Thanks guys, I heart you.

    Also, thank you so much for all the supportive comments I got from my last few posts. You don’t know how much they meant to me. Maybe that is why I feel that Andy’s comment is so personal, because it happened when I was so down.

    xx

  • Headfuck

    Shortly after I posted about my period starting, it stopped. Dead.

    …and apparently, judging by how I have felt today, having a period stop, is actually a MUCH bigger headfuck than having it start.

    Who knew?

    I am not hopeful anymore. I am not wishing and day dreaming anymore. I am wanting to get this cycle the fuck over with so I can move on.

    I just want to be finished. At the finish line, not needing to do this anymore. DONE.

    And relaxing? HAHAHAHAHA. Don’t make me laugh. Unlike Nathan, I cannot turn my brain off and stop counting dates. I cannot stop thinking about it and sure as hell cannot ‘just relax’.

    I cannot.

    Other people may be able to turn their heads off and ‘just stop trying’ but I can’t. I don’t work like that. I like to have a plan and an idea, I like to work things out and think them through.

    I had a plan dammit and that plan flew out the window months ago. Months and months and months and fucking months ago.

    This is month 12 of concerted, energy draining, complete with added stress, trying.

    This is month 16 of regular unprotected sex.

    This is a freaking long time.

    And I don’t want to muck about anymore.

    So, now I am wondering if I miscalculated. If yesterday was more of the wacky spotting that I had been having a few cycles ago.

    If maybe I was going to have another 42 day cycle rather than a manageable 30 day one.

    Or if maybe, simply by writing about it I have jinxed it and I will wake up in a puddle at 3am (please, don’t visualise that).

    I don’t want to think about any other option right now. I will leave THOSE thoughts to my insomnia at 3am.

    (Also, how rude is it that I am having insomnia during the parts of the night that Amy sleeps? Hello, at least we could be awake and miserable together.)

    Sigh.

    Seriously, how was this so easy the first time around? (Wait, that would be because there was NO WAITING. Heh.)

  • Thankyou So Much

    After the suckiness of this morning, I was rapt to have Mum tell me that she had been to the post office and I had not 1, but 2 parcels.

    I am too lazy to take photos, so thankyou Lotus for the chocolate and the tops for Amy, they are absolutely gorgeous and as soon as she wears them I will take photos just for you.

    Me? I’m nibbling on the chocolate right now.

    And to April, thankyou so much for the lovely books for Amy. I got the parcels late this afternoon, so I haven’t had a chance to read them to her, but rest assured I will do so all day tomorrow. And she will adore them.

    You guys, and the power of the internets have succeeded in making today MUCH MUCH nicer than it was at 2pm. I appreciate it so much.

    SO MUCH I tell you.

  • It’s Hard

    So some things are hard to blog about. Some things require writing and deleting and writing and deleting and thinking about.

    Some things are hard.

    Trying to conceive is hard. You think about it, and worry and think and count and think. And sometimes you just need to get everything out of your head.

    I need it out of my head so I can think, so I can breathe and then write very long sentences. With lots of ‘ands’.

    My period arrived this afternoon, exactly a month after the last period. Apparently the 17th has my back and isn’t looking to disappoint me any time soon.

    ****

    I have an appointment with a gyno next month. On the 17th to be precise. See? I told you that the 17th has my back.

    Hopefully I can get things looked into and sorted out. Heh.

    Thankyou all for your crossed fingers and everything. Don’t worry, I will be relying on you all to cross everything next month too.

    I’m going to go and sit with chocolate, my heat pack and a trashy novel now.

    xxx