Postnatal depression is kicking my arse. I’m medicated and things are brighter, yes, but they’re not brilliant. I’m learning to accept that this is what is it, at least until this particular downswing passes.
I keep dreaming that my grandmother is alive. Technicolour dreams, full of details and realities. It started with one a week and now it’s every night. Some nights it’s just like things were before. Other nights, I’m watching her die, over and over again. Last night my pillow was wet when I woke up. I’d been streaming tears in my sleep.
It’s weeks like this past one that I’m grateful that it’s still Summer outside. The greenhouse is full of pumpkins and tomatoes and I can hide in there for long minutes at a time, tying things up and training them to run along a string. Gardening makes sense and you can see the results of work in the garden.
Some things are better and some things are worse. Until I can get my brain working again, I’m in a holding pattern and that’s okay.
Sometimes a holding pattern is all we can hope for and that’s ok. If you’re holding, at least you’re not sliding backwards.
One foot in front of the other, one minute at a time x
Hang in there
Xxxxx
<3
I completely understand the need for summer. I hate hot weather but aam so glad for the sun to cheer me
I’m glad you have the greenhouse to help calm you.
Holy shit. I wrote today about dreaming about my grandmother, and waking up with a wet pillow too!! Snap, Veronica.
I’m medicated now too …. maybe it’s that, giving us big dreams? Every night I’m having huge ones and I wake up exhausted.
You have had such the biggest time after Evelyns birth. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you, and I really hope that one day soon it’s about more than just accepting that things aren’t brilliant. A bit of joy … wouldn’t go astray really, now would it?
Eden xx
I’ve been on the same meds myself for quite a while now, and they’ve helped somewhat. For me life is, well, okay, just taking a day at a time, and hoping like hell that the dreaded dark cloud stays away for now.
You get the dreams, too? I have really weird dreams. Some I can’t remember.
As Dory says in Finding Nemo, ‘Just keep swimming, just keep swimming’, and that’s what I’m doing.
One day at a time …
Yes, those neurotransmitters can sure send down some colourful images and dreams. I just did a post about having just stopped taking ADs… after quite a few year on. We’ll see how it goes.
I’d like to dream about my granny, my wee Gran Smith, she had such a hard life and still lived until she was 99. A big influence, and missed. It’s good to think about the old ones, whatever the reason they come popping into our minds.
Hope that things settle, settle, settle for you. Including those pesky chickens.
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