Sleepless Nights, now sleeker, more streamlined and squashed into a tiny little package

I bought some shapewear. Otherwise known as spandex, tiny little figure squashing things that are infinitely tiny, or holy-mother-of-god-get-these-off-me.

Take your pick.

I’d thought about buying some for a while, but the whole ‘drop 2 dress sizes! look slimmer!’ thing turned me off. You see, as much as I’ve had 2 children and my tummy/hips/thighs look it – you can’t much see that under my clothes. I look okay, dressed.

My issues is with my dislocating hips, knees and pelvis.

So when I saw something advertised as being cellulite taming [which – aside, how do we tame cellulite? with a whip and a chair? train it to hang around on our boobs, not our tummy? I’m a little lost] I glanced at it.

I was however more interested when I saw that this New! Revolutionary! material covered my kneecaps and entire hip region.

Fuck it I thought and bought them.

The first time squeezing into them, I wondered if they’d accidentally sent me an Amy sized pair instead. A quick look at the label told me I was wrong.

I wriggled and I squeezed and I hopped around the bathroom swearing.

All that effort, and they made it half way up my thighs.

Amy looked at me quizzically.

‘Mummy. They won’t fit you.’

‘Yes. They will.’ [struggle struggle, hop, wiggle moan]

Something that I’d bought to help stop my hips dislocating was rapidly in danger of dislocating the rest of me, getting it on.

‘They just need to‘ – pant pant, breathe, sigh –‘stretch!’

Eventually, a few clicky finger joints later, I had them all lined up. The crotch was sitting where it’s meant to, the band at the top was cutting off my breathing and eating ability and I felt like I was being cradled in the grip of a killer bear, about to squash the life out of me.

They were on.

I turned around a few times and wriggled.

Yeah. Totally sexy.

Then, the ultimate test.

Not like some people, I didn’t need to be able to fit into a certain dress and whilst my cellulite was definitely tamed, so was my ego – no. I needed to be able to walk without my hip clicking out of joint and subluxing about.

And….

Success!

I can walk without my pelvis falling apart! Sure, breathing is a little tricky and it feels like I’m wearing a second skin that is 2 sizes smaller than my normal one – but my hips are staying in place.

And that my friends is definitely something to celebrate.

I just don’t know how I’m going to go taking the bastard cellulite taming things back off again.