My last few years have been … eventful. Starting with a pregnancy that didn’t look like it was going to end well, cancer, death, family fuckwits, autism x 2, early intervention, Ehlers Danlos, a falling down house, debt and depression. It hasn’t exactly been the time frame that I would hold up to the light and dissect, more the time frame that you force to the bottom of your closet, stomping on it as you go, so that you don’t have to deal with it anymore.
I signed up to participate in RUOK Day and then promptly decided that I would be better off stabbing myself in the eyes.
I am not okay. I am so far from okay, that okay is the distant shore that I left some years ago, before doctors told me that things were “all in my head” and tossed around words like anorexia and problems at home to explain why I was sick and exhausted, why I threw up every day and why my joints hurt so badly.
You tell me, how are you meant to trust the medical professionals to help out with mental issues, when mental issues are what they thought your major, genetic, connective tissue disorder was? I don’t trust them to help anymore.
I watched my grandmother die. I dealt with the fallout that rewriting a eulogy caused. I read long winded rants about myself on the Internet, written by a family member. I dealt with the trolls. I helped clean out her house, knowing that it was never going to be okay that she was dead and we were parcelling up her belongings.
I went to a doctor to discuss anxiety medication, only to be told that it would be better to sort out WHY I was anxious, rather than just medicating. You can’t cure grief by wanting it to hurt less, any more than you can make a broken bone heal faster than it does. I left with medication, that didn’t work anyway.
My son was diagnosed with autism and while it wasn’t the worst thing to happen, it was the straw that broke the camels back. Really universe? Autism and Aspergers ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE? REALLY?
Fuck you.
I would like to be okay, in the same way that I would like my joints to stop dislocating and to stop vomiting all of the time. To stop having to deal with meltdowns and the assumption that I am okay, because I tell everyone I am. I would like people to notice, without having to be told, just how far from okay this whole mess is and to stop assuming that they know how they would handle it.
I would LIKE for the Pain Olympics on the Internet to stop and for people to stop negating what I am dealing with, because it could be so much worse. Sure it could be worse, but stop trying to fucking jinx me. Last time I thought that nothing else could go wrong, everything else went wrong.
And you know what? I DON’T want to talk about this. I don’t want to cry anymore, or have to talk about this, or try to explain. Writing it is hard enough. The last psych I talked to about my anxiety and grief, seemed to think that it was nothing to worry about. Obviously I downplay things, really well.
RUOK?
No. No I am not.
Now excuse me, while I get off the Internet, before I am tempted to swear anymore.
Comments
48 responses to “So far from okay”
Oh, V.
I have nothing whatever of value to give you – too far away for practical assistance, too unmagical and unblessed with superpowers for actual-fixing-stuff tricks – but I think about you and your situation a lot and I keep you and your family in my mind.
I know you’re not OK. I wish you were, I hope one day perhaps you will be. *many virtual hugs*
Hugs. Gentle ones. x
I wanted to like this, but decided not to click it. I like your honesty. I want you to be OK, I am wishing you will be ok, eventually. 🙂 xoxoxoxo LT
My heart aches to hear what a rough time you are going through. I’m so sorry to hear it. Sending you lots of healing love. xxx
I couldn’t think of what to say, so many responses swirling around in my mind. Then I realised that I wanted to say this:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
*hugs* I wish I could do something to help x
It’s not good at all that you’re not OK and I’m not going to pretend that I can do anything to help you … but listen. However, you should know, that’s the best blog I’ve read and that’s got to count for something!
you are dealing with a lot.
an awful lot and I would be surprised if you WERE ok.
lots of gentle hugs and love my friend.
I don’t think there’s too many people who *would* be OK after being dealt that deck of cards. You have got one heck of a load on your (very young) shoulders. I wish I could do more to help as well.
Some times just suck. Last year was sucktastic for me. Last year was full of days when I felt like there was no fucking way I could continue, but what choice does one have but to continue?
And while nobody was asking if I was okay, really, was there anything anyone could do to make it better? I dunno.
I hate this feeling of helplessness, that I can’t help, except to tell you that there are people out here who are really angry at the universe on your behalf, and if given the chance, will in fact give the universe a good swift kick in the balls on your behalf.
Thank you for being honest Veronica. The more people are honest about NOT being ok – the better the world will become at providing appropriate support instead of freezing on the spot like a deer in headlight.
A. I’m sorry you’re not ok. I mean, of course you’re not ok. But I’m sorry anyway.
B. I’m having a similar issue with the RUOK thing. Because right now, I can’t write about this from a helpful, positive point of view. I can’t be a good news ‘it gets better’ story. I can’t tell you how to help someone with depression. I don’t Fing know right now.
I just know that the more I think about it (and that has been a lot leading up to the day, and other things that have led me to rehash the WHY) the faster and further I’m slipping.
Until now I’m about as not ok as I”ve been in years.
So. From me to you. I’m sorry. I have no help to you, because I”m in about as much of a position to help as you are. But I AM thinking about you and I DO want things to get better for you and I AM angry FOR you that it’s all such shit right now.
It’s all I’ve got. I wish it were more.
xx
Oh V, this makes me want to give you a hug, take your kids for the arvo, make your dinner and just BE there. That I can’t do any of that really sux. Wish there was something I could say that would help in some way… sending love even though I know that doesn’t help. x
How can you be OK? That is a complete fucker of a hand you have been dealt and I expect that you just muddle through as best you can. And no-one can do better than that. Which is soooo hard to remember.
Sending completely useless good thoughts your way. I wish that they could do something. I really do.
You know that old Chinese curse (supposedly) — “may you always live in interesting times”?
yeah. Well I hope the rest of your days are UNinteresting. Just full of peace and good things.
So many emotions when reading this V. Anger that you have so much to deal with. Sorrow because I’m on the other side of the world and can’t offer physical support. Admiration for your honesty. Empathy as there are some elements of your story that I can identify with.
In a funny kind of way I feel like you have actually said to me ‘It is OK’. It’s ok to go ahead and hit that publish/link button despite having had your situation used against you in the past.
Thank you
I don’t have quite the level of fuckery you’ve got going on, but that’s not what it’s about, is it? Not about meeting some Minimum Required Suckage Threshold before it’s okay to be NOT okay. More about finding, and maintaining, a safe place to say, “No, I’m NOT okay; no, there’s not much anyone can do; and if you tell me ‘it could be worse’ or ‘cheer up and think positive’ I’m going to walk away from here wearing your spleen as a hat. Just so you know.”
xoxo and ^what they all said^
((hugs))
Love you babe. Don’t know if i want to post again on the topic after the week I’ve had
Grief alone does crazy things to you, let alone everything else …hugs. I hope you find someone to listen and offer practical help.
I want you to be okay, all of you, I really really do, but I know you’re not, and while I might wish every single day for things to be different, there is nothing I can constructively do, except keep on reading and sending virtual hugs and support.
I don’t know what to say but I want you to know I was here and I am thinking of you x
Still thinking the psych doctors are the crazy ones. They have no clue and don’t even want one.
To be perfectly blunt, I have no idea how you could be okay given the load of shit that has been piled on your back, your poor bendy back. That being said, hopefully sometime soon you can at least be closer to okay because you deserve to be okay . . . actually you deserve to be more than okay . . . you deserve to be great.
V.
There is nothing.that. I can say that would help other than. I am thinking. Of you. And wishing. I could do something concrete. Or useful.
Many hugs Denise.
Veronica, your words are your truth. You own them. We read them. The r u ok day is in part helpful but for those whose days are never bloody-well ok it must seem like the proverbial slap in the face with a wet fish.
My wish for you is some time and space that belongs to you, the creative & intelligent woman. To nurture yourself & re-gain some sense of what you love most about your life…..despite all of the above. I hope you can find time….and space…. For you. D xx
I’m sorry you are going through a rough time…sometimes life sucks and sometimes people get it and sometimes people don’t if they have always lived in the little bubble of sunshine and rainbows and have a perfect life…so I would never try to make light of anything you are feeling and tell you to get over it. 🙁
Thank you for this link, and if I wasn’t running a group of pre-teens around to debates I would have loved to attend today.
I’m sorry you are not okay, and thankful for your honest post.
And not at all related – but I was just reading your about and see we have kids of similar ages. My son was born Sept 06 and my daughter March 09.
Ever since I’ve been reading I’ve been wondering how on earth you cope. We know you’re not ok, there’s just nothing we can do except read and comment. Not worth much but there it is.
I love the idea of the pain Olympics – it’s not a competition and we’re all allowed to have our breaking points even if it’s less to deal with than someone else.
I wish all of you were ok. I’m sorry this is making things worse, hopefully someone who has more power than us to train or fund people who can do something other than just read is reading too.
Dear Veronica
Since i have found your blog, I have marvelled at how have managed to channel positive feelings and thoughts into what you write about, despite all the adversities in your life. Adversities that I don’t know I could handle. Obviously, you aren’t OK – but I’ve admired you because you can say that, and you can also still focus on the love you have for your children and your partner. I really admire you, and I don’t say that about many bloggers (and I’ve been a professional blog reader for six years now! ha!).
I’m not good with offering sympathetic thoughts or feelings to people, especially over the internet, because it know it’s a futile offering, so I just hope that you continue to be able to draw on that strength that so evidently shines through you, to keep you strong and loving.
I don’t care what anyone says. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it hurts you, stresses you out and makes you feel as though it can’t get any worse, then it is a big issue.
I’m feeling lucky with the things im going through at the moment because nobody is judging or comparing my issues to anyone elses.
That’s how it should be. Medication helps me, but it doesn’t help everyone. It’s hard to find the confidence to say ‘I AM going through a tough time and I’M ALLOWED TO VENT, CRY, BREAK DOWN.’
you can’t see the future, all you can do is try to see the brighter side. You KNOW you are doing a good job, I’m sorry there’s nothing I can do.
Xxxxx
hugs to you. xxx
Extra hugs to you – I hope you find your light and the storm clouds clear soon. I wish there was more I could say on this but I can’t right now xx
Again I say: If you weren’t on the precise opposite side of the world, we could sit and sip tea and comment on all the people that happened to be strolling by. And sometimes we would talk about real, heavy things. But sometimes not.
Consider yourself sat with. That’s all I can do, here or there.
heh, the Pain Olympics… that made me smirk.
That is EXACTLY why I have walked away from the internet for now. Because I cannot deal with the amount of people deciding that what ever it is that I am dealing with right now could not be as bad as what THEY are dealing with and this is why in minute detail in a series of Twitter DM’s or emails.
I dont know what to say but *hugs*
Hugs. Thank you for being so honest xx
I’m sorry you are dealing with all this Veronica. Thinking of you and your family.
Take care,
Laney
I haven’t had as many bad deals let’s say as you but Ive had my fair share, a car accident, off work, pau cut, mover backed with parents in first yr of marriage, PTSD, being told i have to wait to fall pregant (i have endometrosis) and contious diagnose of more injuries. I know the feeling of looking at others people who seem to sailing through life relatively stress free, no major problems, everything happens as it should, as we dreamed it would. Someone once told me that this stuff only happens to the people who r strong enough to deal with it. I have a great psych, email me if you like for details. And also on my blog, I’m looking into autism and the gluten free and casein (a protein in milk) free diet show massive changes to children on the autism spectrum and general behaviour, check it out, it might help, there are some interviews from parents, research etc. Please email if you have any questions. The way I cope is to think there is always someone else out there doing it tougher then me and that’s what gets me through. Goodluck and please email if you like! Xx
Sending you all my love sweetheart. xxx
Thank you all so so very much. I can say that I am feeling decidedly better (mentally) today.
Thank you so much for your honesty, Veronica. I’m sorry it’s not OK, although I realise that doesn’t mean much. I’m glad you are feeling better today – but are you really? I am exhausted just reading about your year and your feelings and I can’t imagine what it must be to live your life. I just want you to know that us little people inside the computer do care xx
Hi Veronica, with all you have experienced and still continue to, I am still so pleased you were able to share it in such a way that ‘really does say it from the heart and mind and every dislocated bone in your body’. I think too that some people have trouble appreciating that truth can be stranger than fiction for exactly the point you put above: ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE! REALLY? But the thing is, it is your reality, no one else’s and for that I am thankful that you shared it.
Thank you also for putting yourself out there to participating in RUOKDAY bloggers collective. To date we have 132 contributions from fellow buddies that do care.
xx gemma
Thank you for being very honest about where you’re at. So wish I could do something for you! My thoughts and prayers are with you xx Al
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