Sleepless Nights

Tag: no one else thinks this is funny

  • Crap, my children are growing up. I’d best hurry up and have another kid in order to keep my blog running

    Internet! Why didn’t you tell me that I was doing it all wrong? Here I am, firmly up the duff and yet I didn’t have a sponsored post and giveaway announcing the pregnancy, nor have I managed to effectively monetise my bump.

    And don’t think that I am talking small sidebar advertising – no, I want branded maternity wear and a whole new wardrobe for this kid. Not to mention, a new cot and pram and assorted fripperies.

    I hear that fripperies are the absolutely latest thing in baby fashion and I want to know why I’m not being drowned in offers to fripperise my nursery. Babies only need somewhere to sleep, boobs and clothes? PFFT. They need the latest FRIPPERIES I tell you.

    I’m 27 weeks pregnant now, my blog should be nothing by All Baby, All The Time. I need to throw out all of the toys that my children keep in the spare room and turn it into a tastefully decorated nursery, complete with mobiles and a thousand dollar rocker (that some nice sponsor will gift me).

    Pregnancy is the best thing that can happen to a mummy blogger, according to everything I’ve ever read, and I just want to know why it isn’t doing anything for my page views. Is there not enough drama? Am I too busy retching in the garden and collapsing into bed to actively seek out these opportunities?

    Will I look back on this pregnancy once my kid is born and regret bitterly not capitalising on my fertility while I had the chance? This is going to be my last pregnancy ever, surely I should be leaving the world of child bearing with a bang, rather than a whimper?

    I absolutely will not take responsibility for my own pregnancy and buy anything myself. It should all be laid on for me. The baby clothes that I was planning on putting on this child are (GASP) third-hand now and have been well loved prior. This isn’t good enough, Internet and I want to know why nothing is being done.

    And are we forgetting my poor autistic children. Surely I only gave birth to them and their quirks in order to monetise them effectively. They don’t make me laugh regularly, or cover me with kisses – no, they’re merely blog fodder.

    Don’t you know, it’s all about the page views? Pregnancy, babies and children with extra needs are all big business and I can’t help but feel that I am missing out on a giant opportunity here. Not to mention my broken joints. Surely I only blog about those for the extra attention, not for the education factor. Who wants to educate people about autism and hypermobility? Not me. I just want free shit.

    Obviously, I am doing it all wrong and ought to be kicked out of the club.

     

  • Let’s talk about zombies

    I was rearranging my pantry shelves yesterday, when I found myself struck by an urge to count just how many kilos of sugar I had. After I counted the sugar, I guesstimated the pasta. After that, salt. Then rice.

    Sugar: 15kg
    Pasta: 25kg
    Rice: 14kg
    Salt: 5kg (need more)

    It wasn’t until I added all of this up, that I realised, maybe I’m hoarding food staples, just a little. On top of my basics, I also have rather a lot of dried beans, peas, barley, chickpeas, soup mix, split peas and tinned tomatoes.

    I like to tell myself that I am hoarding in case of emergency, or an accident (maybe a giant national bank explosion, complete with money burning and computers wiped of their precious 1’s), but really, I think it’s because I’m worried about zombies.

    But then I started thinking even harder about zombies and realised just how badly protected I would be here. Sure, I’m away from major cities and inhabited areas (plus), but I’m surrounded by farmland, with nothing to stop invading hordes (minus). Yes, they would have to make it through the sheep and cows first (plus) and we could probably pick them off with arrows (plus) but after that we’d be forced to retreat to our roof and I’m not going to vouch for the safety of that.

    Even further, I realised just how heavy all that bloody food was, as Isaac, Amy and I filled a plastic container with food (therefore, opening up more room in my pantry, for more hoarded food) and then discovered that I had no hope of moving the bloody thing once it was full. It only had pasta, rice and beans in it, albeit, probably 40kg of stuff.

    Sigh.

    Food staples are heavy.

    I’m thinking, that in the event of a zombie attack, I need to have a plan, all planned out. Somewhere to hide, preferably with running water and 40ft high stone fences AND a moat. Also, crossbows.

    And then, I’d need to sort myself out an army.

    It was while I was thinking about an army to kill zombies, that I came across the perfect idea.

    TRIFFIDS.

    What other plant eats decomposing flesh, has the ability to walk and blind things, all while shooting poison?

    IT’S PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

    Sure, I’d then have to protect myself from the triffids, but a solid electrified fence should work, once you add in the stone walls, right?

    So there. I have a plan in case of zombie attack.

    I just need to find myself some triffids.

    ***

    PS. I think I’m getting a little fluey, and I’m not sure how much of this is making sense.

    PPS. On reading this back through, I’m pretty sure I might have just accidentally written out the plot to Plants VS Zombies without realising it. I don’t know, I’ve never played the game.

    PPPS. Who cares if I did, game designers obviously have the right idea. ROCK ON.