zombies are going to eat my brains but they’ll have to deal with my triffids first

My brain is not a logical place to live inside

by Veronica on July 28, 2011

in Blogging, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Headfuck, My body is broken.

My brain is not logical. Just because I can look at a situation and know that nothing terrible is going to go wrong (but how do you know?), doesn’t mean that I don’t start to panic, just a little, when plans change, or my expectation for events doesn’t work out quite how I’d imagined.

I like to have things planned out inside my head before they happen. The unknown doesn’t sit well with me and I’m not the kind of person to decide to do something on a whim.

All this is basically saying: I have pretty terrible anxiety and I probably should have gotten myself medicated two months ago, so that I could avoid the freakout that Blogopolis is causing me.

Tomorrow, I leave home at some godawful hour of 4am, to go to the airport. Once I’m in Melbourne, I get to dump my bags, have breakfast and then make my way to the train station and the Bloggers Brunch. Lovely Norlin has offered to meet me at the train station and travel in with me, so that I’m not freaking out alone, because holy fuck, HOW DO YOU CATCH A TRAIN? WHAT DO I DO?

Logically, I know it will be fine. Everything will go smoothly, I will panic on the inside and smile on the outside and I will try not to dislocate any major (or minor) joints in any fashion.

Logic has nothing to do with panic attacks though and knowing that things will be fine does not stop my brain dragging me through all the worst case scenarios, just in case. Just in case of what? WHO KNOWS. Why do I have to have a plan in place in case I suddenly break an ankle? I DON’T KNOW. THIS MAKES NO SENSE TO ME EITHER.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to run into Zombies. Or vampires. OR FAIRIES. MY BRAIN IS NOT BEING SENSIBLE.

Saturday, I am also quietly freaking out about. I thought I was going to be fine and able to surround myself with people who know that I’m freaking out and are able to talk to me anyway, but no. Allocated seating.

Again, logically, allocated seating is a great idea. We did it at AusBlogCon and it worked really well to get people meeting other people.

So I GET where Nuffnang is coming from, with the allocated seating. But the fear of the unknown is killing me (WHO AM I SITTING WITH? WHY DOES THIS POST HAVE SO MUCH YELLING? I DON’T KNOOOOOW) and the worry of being stuck at a table in the very middle of a room with no way to leave if I need to throw up, well.

If I get through this weekend without bleeding through my jeans (hello TMI), or throwing up on someone, or bursting into tears, I will count it a success.

Actually fuck it. I don’t care if I cry.

Just please, pray to whatever deity you care about and pray that I don’t bleed through anything or throw up. Or dislocate anything major.

Holy fuck am I bendy right now.

And panicking. I am panicking.

BREATHE.

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Let’s talk about zombies

by Veronica on July 7, 2011

in Gotta Laugh

I was rearranging my pantry shelves yesterday, when I found myself struck by an urge to count just how many kilos of sugar I had. After I counted the sugar, I guesstimated the pasta. After that, salt. Then rice.

Sugar: 15kg
Pasta: 25kg
Rice: 14kg
Salt: 5kg (need more)

It wasn’t until I added all of this up, that I realised, maybe I’m hoarding food staples, just a little. On top of my basics, I also have rather a lot of dried beans, peas, barley, chickpeas, soup mix, split peas and tinned tomatoes.

I like to tell myself that I am hoarding in case of emergency, or an accident (maybe a giant national bank explosion, complete with money burning and computers wiped of their precious 1’s), but really, I think it’s because I’m worried about zombies.

But then I started thinking even harder about zombies and realised just how badly protected I would be here. Sure, I’m away from major cities and inhabited areas (plus), but I’m surrounded by farmland, with nothing to stop invading hordes (minus). Yes, they would have to make it through the sheep and cows first (plus) and we could probably pick them off with arrows (plus) but after that we’d be forced to retreat to our roof and I’m not going to vouch for the safety of that.

Even further, I realised just how heavy all that bloody food was, as Isaac, Amy and I filled a plastic container with food (therefore, opening up more room in my pantry, for more hoarded food) and then discovered that I had no hope of moving the bloody thing once it was full. It only had pasta, rice and beans in it, albeit, probably 40kg of stuff.

Sigh.

Food staples are heavy.

I’m thinking, that in the event of a zombie attack, I need to have a plan, all planned out. Somewhere to hide, preferably with running water and 40ft high stone fences AND a moat. Also, crossbows.

And then, I’d need to sort myself out an army.

It was while I was thinking about an army to kill zombies, that I came across the perfect idea.

TRIFFIDS.

What other plant eats decomposing flesh, has the ability to walk and blind things, all while shooting poison?

IT’S PRACTICALLY PERFECT.

Sure, I’d then have to protect myself from the triffids, but a solid electrified fence should work, once you add in the stone walls, right?

So there. I have a plan in case of zombie attack.

I just need to find myself some triffids.

***

PS. I think I’m getting a little fluey, and I’m not sure how much of this is making sense.

PPS. On reading this back through, I’m pretty sure I might have just accidentally written out the plot to Plants VS Zombies without realising it. I don’t know, I’ve never played the game.

PPPS. Who cares if I did, game designers obviously have the right idea. ROCK ON.

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