I’ve been resisting writing this post for a long time, but here it is.
I was a teen mother and pregnant as a teenager twice. Amy was born when I was 17 and Isaac was conceived when I was 19, and born two months after I turned 20.
There is my bias, disclosed.
When you are pregnant as a teenager, you are subjected to a certain amount of harsh treatment. This is deemed acceptable by society, apparently, because no one disagreed with family acquaintances calling me a slut and no one thought anything of the midwives at the hospital treating me badly. Nor did anyone listen to my complaints about the doctor who attended Amy’s delivery shouting at me, or the brusque treatment of the midwife in attendance, who provided no support, merely barking orders at me.
That kind of treatment is to be expected when you’re 17 and obviously too stupid to keep your legs closed.
The treatment from medical staff didn’t change once my daughter was delivered and I was chastised for feeding her too much, for attempting to breastfeed too often, for undressing her, and for co-sleeping and for not agreeing to midwife home visits for the first 6 weeks post-partum.
When Amy went on to scream and refuse to sleep for her first months, it was apparently because I was a teenager mother (or maybe because my milk wasn’t good enough – depending on who was asked), rather than certain ASD qualities and a preference for being awake.
I was made to feel stupid and lesser, by all but one professional I came into contact with. The exception being an older clinic nurse who had seen it all and seemed merely impressed that I had a supportive partner and breasts that lactated magnificently. A far cry from the later clinic nurse who we stopped seeing.
If you’re a teenager walking with your newborn baby through a supermarket, shopping isn’t all about the strangers cooing over your gorgeous baby. No, it’s about the sideways looks, the slight sneer and the almost palpable relief that people exhibited when they saw that I was with a partner.
My second pregnancy was fraught with similar issues. The only thing worse than being a teen mother, apparently, is being 19 and pregnant with your second baby.
No one cares about your backstory, or what you’re doing with your life, or your plans and goals – no, as a young woman, your entire worth is tied up in your reproductive system and what you’ve done with it.
And lest you think that I am alone in these observations, a quick conversation on Facebook showed that if anything, I was treated quite well, in the scheme of things.
Think about that for a minute.
People were telling me that midwives would refuse pain relief to teenage mothers, in order to “teach them a lesson” and prevent future pregnancies.
Stories of judgement, of being made to feel unfit, of terrible treatment – these are the stories that young parents bring to the table.
Isn’t that a spectacularly crappy way to start your parenting journey?
Frankly, it saddens me. Teenage parents are not any less capable than older parents. Parenting is a great levelling field, where ostensibly, everyone starts off on an equal footing. Young parents do not love their children any less fiercely, nor is their age a barrier to being a good parent.
Anyone can be a great parent. Age does not change that.
I agree wholeheartedly…teenage parents are not lesser, but they are different. I believe they need MORE support, not less. Disclosing my own bias, I was 17 when I got pregnant with my eldest, and went on to contnue to work with teenage parents in a community setting until I was in my early 20’s. I was constantly frustrated by the looks I was given, and by people feeling they had the right to ask my age, who the father was, if I was with the father etc etc. Complete strangers who wouldn’t dare ask someone else, felt it was their civic duty to ask such things simply because I looked young.
And non-judgemental support is a good thing, definitely.
The worst question ever was “do you know who the father is?” followed by “and is he in the picture?” Argh. ARGH.
That particular nosey, unpleasant question isn’t limited to teenage mothers, unfortunately. When I was having A (I was 29 and prob looked a little younger, but no-one would’ve mistaken me for a teenager) I was asked by three separate strangers “if the Dad is in the picture.” One actually said “the baby Daddy.” I was completely incensed every time.
(I wonder if it was the lack of a wedding ring that prompted it? Maybe).
Honestly, why do people feel the need to know the intimate details of your life, as soon as it comes to pregnancy? Are pregnant women public property?
I was married at 20 and my son arrived a few months after my 21st, and sometimes whilst pregnant and not able to wear my rings, I felt conscious sometimes that people might think I was a teen mum because I was/am young and pregnant. So stupid of me, but that’s the truth. But then again, having had 2 kids now and “only” 23, I get some shock from strangers or other mums about having kids so early.
No answers, no wise insights, just rambling on about my story… I’m sorry you got such horrible treatment though. No one deserves that, especially young mums who, as Suzy said, need MORE support, not less.
It’s really weird – I didn’t care that I wasn’t married with the other two kidlets, but now, in some situations, I am really conscious if I’m not wearing my wedding ring too. Of course, it’s a size too big and so it’s on the wrong finger, but whatever.
I like when people tell their own stories in my comments. Don’t stop doing that, please.
It upsets me because it is our society that makes teen parenting such an uphill battle when biologically, it is not unreasonable to be having a baby several years after transitioning through puberty, it’s probably ideal! The window for “smart” baby having is very small apparently, I think the magic age is between 28 and 32, but you better be personally fulfilled and have travelled but also own a house and be career driven but not too driven, and be well cashed up but don’t you dare spend any of your government tax bonus stuff on frivolousness shit.
And while teens might need support because they don’t have the same resources older adults have amassed, it does not go on to equal that they are not up to the core work of parenting.
Women’s sexuality is always public property along with their reproductive choices. Maybe one day we will have a society where a woman can start her family young and not face judgement, or put it off for a couple of decades and not be criticised for that choice either. Empowered strong women make strong families at any age.
YES. And yes.
I think that is what bugs me so much – why is reproductive choice seen as public property? Why does my uterus interest so many people? It’s just … sigh.
What a refreshing post. I am 18 with a 2 year old. I was 16 when he was delivered, and I am still with his dad who is 19 now and we live together out of home, we both study. I work and he is job hunting. The looks I got when I was pregnant/ out with my child were astonishing and the things some people say. ‘You’re child is the devil spawn’ ‘learn to close your legs’ ‘ you have trapped some poor boy into a life long commitment’ ‘ you’re dumb’ ‘ go to school’ etc etc. I just wanted to yell , I am doing school. I did year and year 12 pregnant/with a newborn. It was hard but hey I am all the better for it. I love this post.
I think that is the worst part – once you’re pregnant, everyone assumes that you aren’t going to do anything else. That BANG, your life is over. The assumptions, oh gosh, the assumptions!
I married the father of my kids in November – we’ve been together for more than seven years now. The year after Amy was born was the hardest year (he was doing night shift, she never slept), I figure if we survived that, we’ll survive anything else that gets thrown at us.
I still remember finding out how old you were and thinking, “wait, what, really…did I hear her right?” because before I met you I tended to think less highly of young mums (sorry but I did, not that I would have ever said any of the horrible things I see written above…how dare people!!). I guess I was raised with the idea that once you have kids your life is over so wait as long as possible to have them… I now know thats not true 🙂
But after meeting you and having a baby the same age (even though I was 34) it really changed how I thought about young mums. You were (and still are) an inspirational mother regardless of your age…and the trials and tribulations you have managed with your two kids in the last 5 years is pretty amazing.
First of all. It’s no-one else business. Second of all, I know parents in their 30s and 40s who are crappy parents. Age has nothing to do with it.
You are a great mother, a dedicated mother and someone who deserves a lot more respect.
People will judge you no matter what. When women would come in pregnant for the first time at forty the medical profession judged them for their age too. How would they cope,being so old, how did it happen, when they are so old. They must have used a sperm donor because surely no one would love them enough to have a baby when they are so old. If women came in with six kids in tow there’s were often whispers at the desk about number of partners and socio economic status. People are judgey. Teenagers are most definitely on the hit list, I’m sad to say. You’re right, motherhood is right at different times for everyone. Just like family size is your right as well. Women shouldn’t be judged for such intimate choices. I had Immy and Maddy just shy of my 24th birthday. I had a nursing degree and a husband but I was still referred to the young parents group and treated like I didn’t have a clue. If I lived in another country, in a different community and I was having my first baby at 24, I might be considered old and past my prime childbearing years. How bizare is this world we live in.
Snap. I wasn’t a teen mom, (celebrated my 21st birthday 8 months pregnant) but I look incredibly young for my age (23 now and someone guessed me at a ‘conservative’ 19 the other day!) and I was treated like scum. Even by family. The first words from my mother were ‘Well there are clinics, you know.’ and that conversation ended with her saying ‘I won’t tell your father just yet, in case.’ While giving my husban a lecture on being jobless an shamefully living off the state, she turned to me and said ‘And you’re not blameless, you should have been taking your pill’ (I wasn’t ON the pill?!) as if my womb is open for discussion and debate and my reproductive choices are something other people are allowed to have a hand in.
Everytime I sat in a waiting room, or saw a medical professional who didn’t know me, everytime I shifted my bump in a baby shop, the looks and the whispers and the *sneers*. I went into suspected labour at 23 weeks, and I sat in the labour ward waiting room at 1 in the morning for *hours* before I was even allowed onto the ward and someone checked me over. Hours of agony, of weeping, of knowing that at 23 weeks, every single second counted and could mean the difference between saving my childs life or losing it. That was a horrifically cruel thing to do and I honestly can’t see them doing that to an older couple.
When she was born it wasn’t much better. Health Vistors refusing to believe I exclusively breastfed “Yes, but how much formula is she having?” No, we’re breastfeeding “Ok, but how much are you topping up with at every feed?” FUCK OFF. Everyone and their aunt thinking they had a say in bringing up my child because apparently younger parents are morons. Too stupid not to get pregnant, too stupid to raise a baby, right?
That’s not even counting the thousand minor ‘annoyances’ of day to day life….the paternity of my child questioned…we still get it, even when we’re both right there “She’s beautiful, are you the dad?” Why is it even relevant? Or asking if I managed to finish secondary school while pregnant (got this question three weeks after she was born, school had broken up just after I had her!) or asking if ‘the father’ is going to ‘do the right thing’ (er, we were already married, but thanks for thrusting your outdated puritanical beliefs onto my family and relationship) or assuming that neither of us work and we ‘fund our lifestyle’ off government support and live in government housing. I now refuse to use a certain estate agent because one of their agents assessed us right as we walked through the door and made all sorts of assumptions, treated us like crap, and then when he asked how much housing allowance we were entitled to and we informed him actually M worked and we paid rent privately, he changed completely and offered us drinks! We wouldn’t have been any less human had he not worked, why is it ok to treat people like that?
I’ve taken to giving comedy responses to hugely personal nosey questions.
Q: Do you know who the dad is? A: I’ve narrowed it down to about a dozen options, we’re waiting for Jeremy Kyle producers to get back to us.
Q: Is the dad around? A: Sometimes, but you know what it’s like when you’re with a married man.
Q: Was she planned? A: Not down to the last detail, we couldn’t afford the genetic engineering to override her eye-colour.
Q: You won’t be having any more, I hope! A: Oh no, we’re stopping now, six is definitely enough for me. Just had to squeeze this last one in now all the others are at full-time school!
It’s a bit arsey, but I would hope that it would make anyone asking these questions realise that enquiring about another human being’s womb, and what she does with it, without knowing that person, makes you a massive douchecanoe.
Christ, that was long, sorry! Young parenthood is one of my red-button topics!
As a Social Worker in a public hospital, I am constantly amazed about the truly shitty things that non-teens do to their children. Shit parenting transcends age totally. I know this post is more about the attitudes towards to teen parents but I am just taking another slant on this. Alternatively, I am usually amazed at the committent and maturity that the vast majority of younger parents show towards parenting. Even saying this perpetuates the stereotype that younger parents should be assumed to be not as capable but before people get annoyed with me, I am saying this based on how I would have been as a younger parent i.e. pretty crap and very selfish. Veronica, you taught me a lot of things when we has babies that I had ABSOLUTELY no idea about!!
I’m not a parent but I am a nanny to an almost 3 year old(I’m with her about 30 hours a week), I am only 21(don’t look it most say I look 16 which makes it worse) and the looks I get sometimes when I’m by myself with her. She is not my child and people give me looks, she doesn’t even look like me, she is a large child and I am a small person(her parents are 6’4″ and 5’10”) I know I’m not her mom and I feel bad when people look at me that way or ask is she my sister. I have a friend that had a child while we were in school and she is doing so much better than some of the older parents that take their children to my parents daycare center. No one has ever said anything to me about it they just assume I am her mom and move on if they talk to me(though usually it is just dirty looks). It was worse a year ago when she was younger and couldn’t talk as well, but still it’s ridiculous even if she was my child you can tell she is clean, well feed, and developmentally on track why should you care how old I am when you can see she is well taken care of. I know I not a parent yet but I fear so much I will get more of this(looks and actual questions) when I do become one becasue I don’t look my age and that is just completely messed up.
Fantastic post Veronica! I was 19 when my oldest child was born, and I must have been lucky because I never experienced very many negative judgements from people. Mainly just the odd comment here and there that I didn’t look old enough to have a child. I do remember being paranoid about going out in public without my engagement ring though.
Age has nothing to do with whether you are a good parent or how well you’ll cope as a parent. One of the best mothers I know had her first child at 16 and her second at 19. Another mother I know did it the supposed right way. She went to uni, traveled, got married, bought a house and then had her first child in her early thirties. She struggled intensely and says she barely coped those early years and is not sure how she survived it.
It saddens me when I hear such negative judgements about teenage mums, but as Tiff said in her comment above people will be judgey not matter what the scenario. You should hear some of the comments I’ve gotten about my husband and I having five children! lol
Well said Veronica. I too was a teenage mum. Had my first son at 18 and my second at 20. That was 21 years ago!
I loved being a young mum, and it’s awesome now! My biggest issue was not fitting in anywhere… other mums of bubs were so much older, same when my kids went to school. My friends were still single, care-free and doing what 20-somethings do. They caught up though, and now many of them still have small children while mine are grown up!
Parenting is hard, regardless of age and in many respects younger parents do it better, because we’re not so set in our ways and we remember what it is like to be a kid!
I think you were treated horribly and that was wrong, but I think teenagers should be actively discouraged from getting pregnant – free contraception and free abortions for anyone who wants them. Once a teen IS pregnant, they should be treated like anybody who is pregnant, but I think there is so much that you do learn w age. I’m sure there are bad and good parents at any age, but a teen and a 30 yr old are different, and I think having more experience in your life and learning who you are as your own person is important. At 16, there is still so much you are learning. And the resources you have for juggling job and schooling are limited. I’m sure it can be done – but it must be harder. I honestly hope your daughter does not have a child at 17. Babies have a lot of needs and I would like to see teenagers have a chance to focus on their own education and their own life before starting to spend a lifetime taking care of someone else.
I agree. A parent is a parent is a parent. Age is irrelevant. Loving and caring are all that matters. I was pregnant at 19 myself, having my baby at 20.
I think a lot of people have read things about teenagers having children willy-nilly to get the Centrelink benefits which they then spend on themselves and neglect the children shamefully.
Of course this doesn’t happen as much as the media would have us believe, but that’s how the gossip goes.
Being treated badly by doctors, obstetricians and midwives etc is unforgivable, no matter what your age.
@Leah, This is waht I read many years ago. The “baby window” PHYSICALLY speaking, is between 16 and 20, because the body is mature enough, and still flexible enough for the easiest birth (if there is such a thing) with the ability to quickly bounce back to optimal health. The older you get, the harder it is on your body to give birth through pelvic bones that have “settled”. Also, the older you are the harder it is to fall pregnant, just look at all those who waited until their career was established, the house was paid off, the overseas holidays had been taken…”now we’ve done all that, let’s have a baby!” And sadly they need medical intervention to have this child.
(In this statement, I’m NOT including women who have difficulty conceiving even at a young age).
Love the post – I was a teenage Mum – first son at age of 17. He turns 30 this year. My daughter is a teenage Mum. She is awesome. I think it is subject that needs to be discussed and if I could have one thing to help me through those years it would be the confidence and ability and guts to say F off to those that want to judge and welcome in to those that open their hearts and doors. Cheers, Wendy.
My doctor told me that the best age to have a baby is between 17 and 26! Mostly because that is when your fertility and health are both at a peak.
I was pregnant at the age of 21 and got asked by someone, ‘Oh is the father going to stay around?’ So it’s not just teenagers!
I’m a bit overweight… Have been since puberty… So when, at 19, I decided to marry the man I love (who happens to be 12 years older than me), I was asked by every single member of each of our families “When are you due?” as if the only reason for the two of us getting married would be a pregnancy. After our 1 year anniversary, the questions from relatives I hadn’t seen were even worse; “Where’s the baby?” is what I got. What they don’t understand is that we’ve bloody well been trying to get pregnant, and I BLOODY WELL CAN’T. And they’re pissing me off.
So, apparently young people getting married is just as frowned upon as young people having babies. I feel your frustration at the world, and I’d like to shout a nice loud “BUTT OUT” to all those brown-nosers who should keep their noses to themselves.
And back on topic to teen moms, one of my best friends in High School was born when her mom was 16, and all the other kids were envious, because she had a “cool mom” that ha more in common with her, and they seemed to be really close, and friendly, while still maintaining the mother/daughter relationship.
Also, if you have children in your teens, and they have children in their teens, and so on, you have such huge families with so much support. I am the youngest child of the youngest children, and I have lost one parent and 3 grandparents so far. I never met my great-grandmother (well, I did, but I was 6 weeks old when she died). My Brothers kids have all had great-grandparents, only the one left now, I think. And it is such a benefit to have that many generations to take care of eachother. If I ever have children, I’m sure they’ll not remember their great gramma, if they ever get to meet her in the first place.
I was a young mum, had my first at 22 so not quite a teen mum but young enough for people to look twice. I got married at 20. My Mum had me at 20 and now we are so lucky for us to have 4 generations still alive in our family. I am now 41 and I have a 19 year old son. Best thing I ever did was have my 3 kids at a young age. I cant think of anything worse than being my age and having a toddler to look after. *Disclaimer.. not having a go at anyone who is doing this. I think all parents are amazing. Just not for me.
My (2nd) husband and I have the best of both worlds. Kids old enough to look after themselves if we go out, then every second weekend and half the school holidays on our own. (we dont have any kids together) as they go to their dads. And I am still young enough to do stuff just for me. A gyno once told me that we are gentically designed to have kids as young as possible thats why we start to get our periods from about 12-15 years.
Sadly I dont think society will ever change on this issue. People will always look down on others to make themselves feel better about themself.
The medical staff treating you poorly is another matter and should never happen. I really hope that is something that has changed.
And for what its worth, I can tell how great a parent you are just by the way you write about your kids here. The love comes out in every sentence.
Age doesn’t define how one will fair as a parent. There are teenagers who are good parents and thirty-something adults who are bad parents. It works both ways. I understand how you were treated because although my husband and I were 21 and 23 when we had our oldest, we both look quite young for our age. People everywhere assumed we were teen parents, and it wasn’t just medical professionals. We would go grocery shopping and have people tell us, “YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO HAVE A CHILD!”
In the end, you get to have the last laugh because you’re an incredible parent and you prove judgmental people wrong every day.
Oh and I just wanted to say, I am constantly asked if my husband fathered my children. “Really? Both of them?” Ha.
I’m 42 and am getting the “you’re not having any more, are you???” comments. People just stink. :/
I was also 17 when I had my daughter and I can personally along with all my family and friends and most people I know, that I am a better mother than 9/10 of the mothers in the world. Age has nothing to do with the ability to parent a child. Yes being younger and not having graduated from high school does make it a little harder BUT it is still possible. It all depends on how hard you work. I am 27 now and I have a full time job, I am in college, and I help my daughter with her homework EVERY night. I am single and her father does not pay child support. I support my daughter alone. My child went to daycare while I went to school and worked, she was in daycare no longer than any other child who’s parents were 30 something working full time jobs. I raised my child not my mother, I did not go out every night and party but I did go out with friends twice a month to relax. I wouldn’t have done anything differently had I had my child at 25 or 35 or 40.
I truly believe that the only reason teen parents have a hard time is because they do not get the support they need, not special support or treatment because they are younger, but the normal expected support that goes along with anyone having a child, regardless of their age.
People need to stop judging in general, the world would be a much nicer place if people helped each other up instead of knocking them down.
Fabulous… well said…I am a mum to 4 children… two boys both married teenage wives who have babies… and two little girls 5 & 6 yo…. my DIL’s maybe young but they are fabulous wives and mums…they do love my GK so much, and your correct that good parents can be any age…only difference is and I speak from experience…the younger you are the more energy you have to deal with things …….LOL..
I was almost 22 when I had my first baby, I remember walking through Target and a year 11/12 student walked by and said “there’s your life gone”. So it’s not only older people that judge. I felt like yelling out that I was married, and had planned my baby but I’m to shy to stand up for myself. To this day I regret not saying something.
Wow… This was me (minus the teenage part by 2 weeks – I had just turned 20 when my 1st child was born). I speak of this over a decade later and people say “Oh, you were just reading into things! You weren’t judged!”… Um, yeah, I was. A lot. At the hospital. At the grocery store. At mothers group. At work. Judgey McJudgeson was around a great deal.
And again when I fell pregnant with my second child, especially when I problems arose
midwife: “Is this a different father?”
me: “No, my husband fathered this child”
midwife: “Are you sure?”
Gosh, it still makes me upset when I think about it. Every professional I came into contact with was like this. With one exception: my GP – thank goodness for that.
Now, as a mother with primary and high school aged children, I sometimes get *the look* and can see people rapidly making the calculations in their mind – but it’s much more rare, often only with my teenager… and most importantly, I care much less for others judgement now than I did in 1999.
When I notice a younger mum, I smile, and tell her how beautiful her child is. That’s the only judgement I’ll ever make.
I am gobsmacked that the midwife asked if you were sure your husband had fathered your second baby! But then, I guess I’m not really all that shocked, not in the light of how young mothers are treated generally.
Ugh.
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