A moment ago Evelyn was chattering at me angrily like an upset chipmunk, while she practised her yoga moves. I’m not saying she was wrong to be grumpy with me – after all, I did take her to the doctor and let him stick needles in her thighs, but it was for her own good, so you know.
I spend all my time trying to write things and rescuing Evelyn from whatever nook she has gotten herself caught in. One moment she’s exploring behind the couch and can’t find her way out, the next moment she’s stuck under her sister’s bed. When I put her back down, she absconds as fast as she can, making a break for freedom. Amy and Isaac have taken to filling the hallway with obstacles in the hope that she won’t make it down to their bedrooms and destroy their peace. I can’t say I’m particularly helpful, because jeez, just play with her, she loves you.
The walkway to my kitchen is filled with nappy boxes that I have to step over every time I leave the living room – a state of affairs that will continue until we replace our baby gate with one that actually works.
It’s utter chaos and I am loving it.
I watch the determination on Evelyn’s face as Amy sits down on the floor to watch TV and Evelyn commando crawls over to her, before flumping into her sister’s lap. It’s brilliant and exhausting and completely hectic.
I wouldn’t change a moment.
My anxiety is getting worse and I am starting to suspect that my nausea every time I have to get into the car is actually anxiety driven, rather than motion sickness. I’m not sure that I can do anything about this, short of adding more drugs. I’m already on Cymbalta, which seems to manage the PND quite nicely, but I’m also getting less and less likely to leave my house unless I have no choice. It’s awkward and unpleasant, but frankly, I just want to hang around at home, pottering in the kitchen and garden, writing things and playing with the children. That’s not wrong.
Maybe I’m lazy, rather than anxious.
Every day I walk to the end of our road without even a modicum of anxiety, to get Amy off the school bus. I look forward to the walk and wonder if I should do it more often, getting me out of the house without exactly pushing me out of my comfort zone. Then I wonder if being pushed out of my comfort zone is what I need.
I don’t know, Internet.
Now if you’ll excuse me, Evelyn is trapped between the couch and the wall and I need to go rescue her.
I read this out to my wife.
She said it reminded her of the way our daughter (who is now age 47) was. We had to rescue her a lot.
Getting out for a short walk can’t be a bad thing. Vitamin D and fresh air are excellent medicine for anxiety. 🙂
I know that you say your nausea is worse specifically at a given time but it may on the off chance be that you notice it more at times of heightened anxiety. Just a thought as nausea is one of the most listed side effects of cymbalta (sp). For a while and sometimes still I had to take a beta blocker every time I went out in the car or drove. I am not sure if that would be appropriate if you would want to take another med or if they are even compatible with the ones you take already. As I say its just a random thought about the nauseau which I seem to be having trouble spelling. (I am aware that due to low blood pressure beta blockers may not be appropriate) but I also sometimes found that my anxiety episodes were related to POTS so a good glass of water and some crisps would often reallyhelp for the salt.
I have a personal bug bear that it is thought that the prescription of an anti-depressant alone is going to miraculously make everything ok. I personally believe that anyone who is prescribed them should be offered to run co-currently professional counselling. Whether that be talking therpies, alternative therapy such as hypnotherapy etc.
I know that when my children were young, I wasn’t someone who had a need to go out and about that much but I would enjoy a walk with the children. Generally picking up bits and bobs of flora and fauna to contribute to sticking and gluing art related ‘stuff’. I am naturally prone to agrophobia, I am happy to not venture far. But I do find the less I make the effort to get out the more difficult it becomes. I can only talk from my own perspective but words rang true in this post to me.
Truthfully Veronica, bringing up three young children with PND, EDS is tough. Do I think it would do you good to get out more, yes, with a capital Y. But the doing can be tough. Especially alone. Take Nathan, go together, have support, feel the wind in your hair in a different place, it doesn’t have to be far. Leave the children for a few hours with Nathan, go see a friend. It doesn’t have to be everyday or it will turn into a chore. Have a picnic. I used to walk (in the days that I could still do that thing) literally half a mile up the road with a picnic lunch, the children loved it. There is that theory that the brain can re-wire if its exposed by repetition to that very thing that is a phobia. So do I think that walk to the bus is a good idea. Yes.
Beating yourself up as much as you do is not a good idea. I am a bit of an over thinker, anxiety is like that, occassionally when I say to people how much stuff is in my head and what I worry about they are simply astounded. I don’t even really tell them the half of it either! I understand.
Realistic goals are good.
Be kind to yourself Veronica.
Oh and by the way, I hope you get that babygate asap. I had a friend who used to say to me sometimes and I needed to hear it although it would make me flinch – Just do it.
x
(Oh and Nathan if you happen to be glancing over your wife’s shoulder as she is reading this. Please organise a babysitter, take the wife out on a date, lunch, supper, although if she doesn’t enjoy suprises warning is good. For wives with PND need spoiling once in a while, even if they are adamant they don’t). (And Veronica, if Nathan isn’t the kind of guy who does that sort of thing, you organise it and just tell him its happening) Feel cheeky suggesting it but hey this box is for comments!
xx
Comments on this entry are closed.