I didn’t and probably never will, consider myself ‘an infertile’, simply because I feel like a bit of a fraud when I read blogs about infertility.
We conceived Amy so fast, so easily, without even really trying, that it makes me feel out of place in the infertile community when I stand back and take stock of this current situation.
We were meant to have another baby, if not born, at least on the way by now.
We were meant to be prepping Amy for big sisterhood.
We were meant to be washing itty bitty baby clothes.
However life very rarely goes as it it meant to, so we find ourselves here, still trying 12 months on.
It has been 12 months of actively trying. 12 months of counting days, observing mucus, building up hopes and coming back down to earth with a resounding thud at the end of the cycle.
Before that 12 months, there were 4 months of ‘not really trying, but hey, wouldn’t it be nice to have them this close together? Maybe we should have sex again’.
During the middle of each cycle, I forget how long we have been doing this, because every month is a chance at new hope. I have Amy to keep me busy and toddler hair to smell, a toddlers face to wash and not to mention feed. Honestly, how does she eat so much?!
The end of the month though, tends to bring defeat, sadness and a little more bitterness. Every month, a little more bitterness.
And honestly, how can I talk about bitterness without putting someone’s nose out of joint? To be honest, I don’t think my bitterness extends to the wonderful women I know and love in the interwebs. Somehow I manage to be happy for them, even if I am a little sad for me.
And it SHOULDN’T extend to the wonderful women I know and love outside of the interwebs.
No.
It is more, the swell of a belly in a girl I went to school with. Her second.
It is another girl, pregnant with her 3rd in less than 3 years.
It is being completely fine with everything until a chance comment jumps up and kicks me in the face, causing me to write crap like this.
Truly, I LIKE these women that are pregnant. I could (and have) sat and had coffee with them, laughed and talked. We have discussed our first children’s habits and laughed at toddlerisms.
I still find it inordinately hard to see them pregnant.
So I am confessing.
I am bitter. Even though I thought I would be immune from it because of Amy.
I am bitter that I can’t get a medical professional to take this seriously because ‘You conceived Amy naturally and carried her to term. You can do it again.‘ Apparently the fact that we CAN completely negates the fact that we still haven’t (and yes, I do know that THERE IS STILL TIME. I AM STILL VERY YOUNG).
I am bitter that Secondary Infertility is overlooked because Hey! They did it once already! There can’t be anything actually wrong with them.
I am bitter and it is a terrible thing to admit.
So, a new cycle is starting and I am getting all of this out of my system. I am relaxing, I am going to enjoy the trying and I am going to be very zen until my next period is due.
I hope.
———-
PS. Please, no one take this as a personal dig at you, I promise, this isn’t about anyone except myself.
Aww hon, can’t say anything to make you feel better so I’ll just send you some cyber ((hugs)) and wish I could be there to give you them in person!
Someday you will look back on this and know that you got through it, with 2, or maybe even 3 children running around you 🙂
I WOULD volunteer to help but there are a number of things that would seem to work against it: a) You’re in Tasmania. I’m in the States. A matter of distance. b) There’s no guarantee that I’m going to be any better at it than the partner already in place. c) I’ve had a vasectomy.
The first two can be dealt with but that last one is a killer. Oh well, back to the land of daydreams.
Lous last blog post..I can’t make up my mind
I don’t think that being bitter is a terrible thing to admit to at all. Much better to be strong enough to admit how you feel than to bottle it all up – that’s not healthy. You know as well that your feelings toward conceiving don’t change your feelings towards Amy at all.
I really hope you get there soon – I’m sending you fertility vibes.
Barbaras last blog post..118/366 – Too Tired, again
your feelings are more than valid….really. And Doctors-well…sometimes you just have to keep beating at them with your concerns in order to get them to “do work”
You have a good outlook on it…relaxation and what not…good things will come
Deegs last blog post..This Could Take A Minute…
I am so sorry its been hard. I am sedning fertile thoughts your way
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I understand. {{hugs}}
Rees last blog post..Do Good, Part Deux
If your doc is telling you its nothing, I’d see another if I were you. Even if you & the hubby discover a problem it would have to be better than not knowing.
I’ve been there, though with my first. Best of luck.
Colleens last blog post..Namaste!
I can relate only too well! It took us more than 18 months to conceive both times. OK, I did have numerous miscarriages too, but that wait and then the wait again and then the wait again… it’s just soul destroying.
I hope that you have a BFP soon!
Jentys last blog post..Weekly Winners #15
Venting your frustrations is healthy. Let it out. You’re allowed to be bitter.
Then get back in there and have more sex! Ha, just kidding. I hated that “pressure” to make it happen.
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Oh Man… This is Gonna Hurt
Well I’m just STUNNED you should admit to something like this…
I jest, You have you Paddies over here who know exactly what you mean.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..An immaculate conception?
Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth! Bitterness is only natural in a situation like this.. Keep trying, it is quite possible that the breast feeding has kept your hormones of of whack.
🙂 We can be bitter and hopeful together!
Sending thoughts your way!!!!!!! I am sorry its so hard 🙁
kaylees last blog post..Things That I really miss
Thankyou sweetheart…I am all up and published with lots of links to you…
You are a clever clever clever girl…
I forgot the kisses and hugs xoxoxoxoxox
frogpondsrocks last blog post..And Now for Something Completely Different…
Oh…I just want to hug you! Everything will be ok, really! I promise!
Remember all the times in your life when you have moved on, thinking that something would never happen, then suddenly it did? It’s Murphy baby!
Murphy’s law:
#624. If you actively try for a baby, it will be a lot harder to conceive. If you either aren’t actively trying or don’t want to convceive, it will happen.
I live by this law. Seriously.
I know it sounds like a long time, but give yourself another year. It may still take that amount of time. Live life to the full, eat healthy, have sex often. Don’t think about it…that will just lead to phantom pregnancy and dissappointment. So many people I know say,
‘Oh it just happened, we thought about it, I went off the pill then a few months later it happened…’
You weren’t actively trying for Amy, were you? It just happened…and it would have been a fantastic surprise!
Hey! I’m still here, still in the same boat too. I know what you mean, about being genuinely happy for wonderful people with wonderful children, and yet, it is as you say, “Somehow I manage to be happy for them, even if I am a little sad for me.”
PS. I have no blog. I stink at writing. 🙂
Babe, Moo was a ‘pleasant surprise’ as was her sister a year later. Then it took almost 5 years to have a baby ‘stick’ (you know what I mean) while trying to have Boo.
Sweetie, as much as you don’t want to hear it, Boo came along when we stopped trying. When I resigned myself to 2 girls.
Smootches and hugs babe. I remember that feeling and the emptiness now knowing that I cannot have any more. Still my friends my age and older are having babies..I love them, but it sucks.
I totally relate to this. I had trouble with #1 and #2…it seemed like everyone was pregnant except me. It was slightly easier after one child, but that doesn’t change the pain. The good news and the hope I can extend is that #3 was NO PROBLEM! ha. So, just get through this one and there is blinding light at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there. You are young and the trying ain’t so bad…sending happy fertility thoughts your way.
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oh hon..
i hope for you that you get pregnant very very soon.
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I don’t think being ‘bitter’ and sad and disapointed that you haven’t got the baby you want so badly is so terrible. It doesn’t mean that you are not happy for those who are pregnant… I am willing to bet you are happy for them, but at the same time sad for yourself. I think that is totally reasonable.
When my girls were tiny and still in hospital and I’d go in every day and see all these new mums carrying their new babies out of hospital in their arms… I was sooo bitter. I was so jealous. I hated the fact that it wasn’t me taking my babies home… the fact that something that was supposed to be so joyous and so wonderful wasn’t like that for me. I was bitter, but at the same time I knew I wouldn’t wish what I was dealing with on anyone… and I bet you are just the same.
*hugs* it’s not terrible… be gentle with yourself and fingers and toes crossed for this next cycle.
katefs last blog post..Lets Make Bread!
Oh! I am so sad for you.
I understand that feeling so well. I don’t think it really matters whether you have children or not, the fact that you want but can’t achieve that precious baby whe all the world seems to be pregnant is horrible.
Having a baby doesn’t make your heart stop aching for another. You should be kind to yourself, not so hard on what you are feeling.
tiffs last blog post..Home again.
Get the feelings out. Rant, rave, cry if you have to. It’s a hard time for you and Nathan, and you’re both feeling disappointed.
I have no words that can comfort you. And I will not insult you by saying “I know how you feel” I DO know how matter of fact and detached doctors can be; how they can forget how there is a person begging for answers.
All I can do is hope that you and Nathan are blessed very soon with a playmate for Amy.
Anjas last blog post..Miley Cyrus – ‘Hannah Montana’ – Baby Porn Star.
i took jayne and I about 13 months to get pregnant, with 3 miscarriages.
jayne got bitter, and even cried,( in secret) when she met her friends, work collegues who were pregnant,
it will work out…
all the best gareth
There’s nothing left for me to say, everyone above me has said it all. (((hugs)))
My trusty pendulum sez its a yes. This time I asked if you would carry it to term. Again, yes.
Isn’t breastfeeding a natural birth control?
witchypoos last blog post..This Week in Comments
Veronica, sweetie, I’m so glad you have this blog to let this out. I know exactly how you feel; it was almost WORSE not getting pregnant after having had a child. And I needed help getting pregnant the first time too!!!
And it is exceedingly difficult to see people around you getting pregnant, and not think about your own situation. You are only human.
Hugs to you, it must be so frustrating, particularly as you’re young and people (and I’m sure I’ve been guilty of it) can come across so condescendingly, you’ve got time… you do have time, certainly compared to a woman in her late 30s and 40s. But that doesn’t matter… you want your time now, and it can’t happen soon enough for you.
Sending baby dust and hugs your way…
(BTW, thanks for you Birthday wishes for the boy 🙂
Karen MEGs last blog post..How I Met My Honey …
*hugs*
Burgh Babys last blog post..Sunday Notes on Monday
I’m sorry it has been so hard for you to conceive again. It is irrelevant whether you conceived a first child, your feelings are valid. When you really want a child I think it is hard when you have difficulty conceiving…..I pray for you that your wait won’t be much longer….
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*big hugs*
I think it’s really brave of you to say you have these feelings and to talk about them, I hope you feel better for it.
I also hope Bebe #2 comes soon or at the very least that medicos start taking you guys more seriously.
Cats last blog post..No words…
Oh sweetie. 12 months is a long time to struggle with this, and feeling bitter is not so terrible. I’m sure I would be too…a few months ago. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you this month, and sending you many *hugs*
Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..Keep Away From Food & No One Gets Hurt
awww veronica. i feel your pain. i’d love another baby and hubby says no way. i spend all of my work hours surrounded by new mommies and newborns. sometimes whn i hold them i just want to bawl. and yes i know that i am very lucky to have 4 wonderful children…but nothing makes that ache go away.
zoes last blog post..Back Off
Awww, honey, I am so sorry you’re having so much trouble. It’s gonna happen. I just know it.
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In the same boat as you… going on almost 2 years with unexplained infertility after 2 kids.
I know how hard it is to see everyone else PG. If it’s any consolation, know that you’re not alone in this!
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