Mum had to have Nan admitted to hospital on Saturday. [read post here]
Amy says ‘My Nanny is very sick’.
Nathan says ‘But your nan is my friend!’
And I say ‘This shit sucks’.
I don’t think she’s getting out of hospital. [And if she does happen to get out of hospital and gets better and reads this and growls at me and says ‘ner ner’ then it will be so worth it that I won’t care that she is growling at me.]
Today, for the third time, we will make the trek into The Hospital with two children in tow. We will walk Amy up and down the halls and let her play hide and seek in the Chapel. We will sit in the room and talk to Nan while I wonder how many more times we will do this. She is very very vague now and confused. We’re hoping that the medication they gave her to reduce the calcium levels in her blood will reduce the confusion by Friday.
I wonder, did we take too much for granted? Did we take her strength and her verve and her spice for life for granted? Even though we knew this cancer was terminal, did we not realise that once the true decline started, then everything was going to go to hell? I look at my Nan and don’t know if I can do this.
I’ve heard people say ‘a terminal illness gives you time to prepare, time to deal with it’. Hell, I’ve even said it myself. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to prepare for the kick in the guts feeling you get when you see your loved one tucked up into a bed, looking progressively smaller by the day.
So I say it again. This shit sucks.
****
I was 14 when I moved out of home. I left Mum and Dad’s house and headed down the hill to live with Nan. I let myself in after school most days (the days when I didn’t have soccer, or go to my boyfriends house), mucked around a bit with music and school work and then started cooking dinner for when Nan got home from work. Her spare room became my bedroom, with my stuff in it and my stuff on the walls. (No, not posters, it was mostly all my artwork from school)
Moving out was great. It gave me and my parents the space we needed from each other to have a good relationship. My childhood was far from horrible, but sometimes, things were very very strained. There was a lot of stress. We needed space from each other. I love my parents, but living with them was hard. We need space from each other in order to cope.
When I tell people ‘My grandmother is sick; dying even’ I don’t think they realise just how close we are. I love my mother, but Nan? She is like a second mother to me. Who on earth am I going to complain to when my mother is giving me the shits? My Nan is my go-to person when I am stressed. Unlike Mum, she is not likely to cackle at me (why YES, my mother does cackle. In a good way you understand) when Amy is driving me up the wall.
We are close and I’m not sure how I am going to cope with this. I’m as close to Nan as I am to Mum and I don’t know how to get through this.
So, this is not just my Nan tucked up in a hospital bed. This is my friend.
i felt this exact same way with my grandmother. people acted as if as if it wasn’t so bad because she was just my grandmother! it was so terrible. she was so much more than that, i lived with my grandparents for a while to for the same reasons. years later it still doesn’t feel real to me, just that its been a long time since i’ve seen her. i am very sorry, its terrible to have to lose someone you love so much in this way.
Cris last blog post..P.S.
I’m so, so sorry. This royally sucks! I wish I had magic words to make everything better, but I don’t. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. (((HUGS)))
Joyce-Annes last blog post..Where does the time go?
I hardly knew my maternal grandmother; I thought she was dead. She was never mentioned, so I just assumed. Then one day she called. Obviously the mother-daughter relationship had been broke for some time.
Eventually, as no one else would step up, I became her guardian, in all but the legal sense. I made all the decisions. But I hardly knew her. And toward the end she either thought I was my Mom or that nice young girl who visits. I remember taking my daughter with me, who wasn’t even a toddler, and just sitting and rocking my Lainy-Bug while talking to my Grandmother about, oh anything. We didn’t know each other, but someone had to be there, so it was me.
Lot’s of people say I didn’t have to be there, and yes, I suppose it’s true, but it wouldn’t have been right. No matter how little she knew me, we were related. I now take care of my Mom and I AM her legal guardian and I’m glad our relationship didn’t ultimately deteriorate into the ground as I don’t think that would have been good for me mentally.
We have to be there for family. What else is there?
Pop and Ices last blog post..It’s Monday and I’m Exhausted
V, I only have hugs for you and I know they don’t help at all. It does suck and it is hard.
tiffs last blog post..About a boy.
I am sure she hopes that the time you lived with her was a time of love and lessons learned. You are so strong. I know you get as much of your strength and courage from her as from your Mum. She knows you love her – now is the time for you to show her what you’ve learned from her.
lceels last blog post..On a blanket, under a tree
I’m so sorry love. I remember a few years back my grandmother was admitted to the hospital with an aneurism about to go. The docs said that she probably wouldn’t make it, and if she did, she wouldn’t be the same. Thankfully, they were dead wrong, and she came through it all pretty well. But I know how you feel – the shock of seeing a pillar of your life looking so small and frail beneath the sheets. The fear that’s almost grief – that IS grief already. The looking back and wondering how much time was wasted. The realizing that this person is phenomenal and there’s no one like her and the prospect of the world without her in it is a scary one.
I’m thinking of you, and reaching way across many oceans to hold your hand.
So sorry, Veronica. That shit really does fucking suck. Thinking of you.
Kats last blog post..You’re so very welcome.
This shit does suck Veronica. I’m so sorry. There is nothing to say that can make it any better. It is just hard and horrible and awful.
((big hugs))
Alis last blog post..….And I’m spent.
Veronica, I am very sorry about your Nan. I hope you and your family has many laughs, hugs and many more warm memories to make with your Nan. Please, keep a hug for yourself from me? 🙂 And know that I have you in my thoughts and heart.
I’m so sorry Veronica. This is hard. Having time to prepare for it doesn’t take an ounce of hurt away. I’m thinking of you and your Nan.
Leslies last blog post..I Keep Humming That Mungo Jerry Song*
It sucks big hairy dogs balls, Vonnie, and all I can offer you is hugs, sorry.
Jaynes last blog post..Manicure Do’s and Don’t’s
This is too sad. Yes, often the decline does hit suddenly and fast. Some people decline gradually over a matter of years,like my Dad did, some are looking well one day and ill and shrunken the next. It’s a shock, that’s for sure. I don’t know what else to say. {{{hugs}}}
I’m sorry honey.
badness joness last blog post..I’m in love with my boy….
Oh sweetheart. ((hugs))
Always here if you need to talk. xx
Marylins last blog post..Note to self…
I was about to cry until I read Jayne’s comment and about snorted my coffee out of my nose…
Thanks, Jayne!
((Veronica))
Mrs. Cs last blog post..Pray For G!!
I am so sorry.(hugz)
thinking of you and hoping …
Trishs last blog post..I ? Faces … Sepia!
That shit DOES suck. And I know about that relationship with grammas – I had the same kind of relationsip with mine.
Love and hugs honey. and prayers to you and yours.
Rees last blog post..Letters from Monday – Part 2,372
Sending love to you and your entire family.
witchypoos last blog post..Leftovers from 2007
So sorry, V. One thing is true, no matter how much time you have, you are never prepared.
Lots of *hugs* for you and your family.
Jenn FLs last blog post..Early Morning
hugs
Mistress Bs last blog post..Screw Up Tuesday!
I’ve learned that unfortunately there is nothing one can say to make any of this better. Just know that you are in my thoughts.
nikkis last blog post..A Vow
i don’t think you can ever really be prepared. and even if you are, I don’t think that makes it easier.
this shit does indeed suck. hugs to you.
Jennis last blog post..Two
biggest hugs ever..
am thinking of you all and sending positive thoughts..
am here if ya need..
big big hugs..
I don’t have any words, except to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m SO SO SORRY this is happening. Big {{{HUGS}}}.
Hyphen Mamas last blog post..I figured out what I want to be when I grow up
You prepare to lose certain people — your grandparents, of course. Your parents, eventually. Maybe even your spouse. It hurts, it hurts incredibly, but you still get your mind around it, you prepare that little place in your brain that says, “One day this will happen.”
And then there are people who are simply to big to die. People who are like mountain ranges that can’t possibly leave, because there’s no such thing as a landscape without them. How do you prepare for that, when your head can’t even comprehend that it can happen?
I’m so sorry, honey. There’s nothing else that can be said. Take care of yourself.
Robin G.s last blog post..Busy, busy, busy.
*hugs* I am so sorry you are going through this. Take care.
anne nahms last blog post..BooBoo’s Poopatorium
I’m so, so sorry. Not only does this shit suck, but I think it probably wipes as well. Sending you hugs, prayers, positive thoughts, anything I can muster really. Lots of love.
Barbaras last blog post..All Hail
I’m new here and was just on what I think was your sister’s blog, and wanted to leave you a note to let you know that I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Cancer does suck. I’ve got three people who are very close to me, going through treatment for various forms of stage 4 and although we’re trying to hold hope, we’ve been told that THIS could be it.
My husband’s mom died of an inoperable brain tumor in 1992, and while that last year of her life WAS beautiful, it was very difficult for everyone involved. Yesterday, while I was at Sea World with our four-year-old triplets and (almost) two-year-old toddler, we had an AMAZING experience, that I can only chalk up to my children’s grandmother’s spirit – communicating directly with them.
Crazy, I know. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t been there and seen it and heard it myself!
(Here’s a link to the post: http://www.theamazingtrips.com/2009/06/what-would-shirley-maclaine-say.html)
She’s been gone 17 years and never even met our children. But after yesterday, I truly believe that she lives on and always will live on.
I’m sending many prayers for Nan’s healing and for your peace.
Jen @ amazingtripss last blog post..what would shirley maclaine say?
I m so sorry that really does suck. ((hugs))
Suzies last blog post..Give Me Back My Candy!
I wish I could return you a fraction of the boosts you’ve sent my way over the past two years.
I hope you all find the peace & happiness you deserve.
Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Rear view mirrors
Hey Sweety, another reason why I give you the shits. It should be ‘than’ in the link, not that.. Now I am cackling away merrily I love you sweetheart
frogpondsrocks last blog post..An update for Lauren.
I’m sorry for you. I lost my nan in very sad circumstances and we were very close… it is never easy and I wish you all the best with it. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Michelles last blog post..“Tickle Me All-in-One” babysuit by Ettitude.
oh Veronica, (and Kim and family) Sorry. xxxxx
Tanyas last blog post..Go Away Flu
I wish I had better words to offer or something I could do to help ease the pain in your heart. Just know that you and your family are in my thoughts, and that we are all here for you. *hugs*
Momisodess last blog post..They’re Here!
Babe I understand.
This post just ripped the wound bare for me.
Yes, you are more ‘prepared’ but no, it is not better than losing them quickly. The decline rips out your heart.
I hate that you have to go through this, because I have been in the exact same place with the exact same thing.
<3
I really am sorry about what you’re going through at the moment. I went through the same thing with my Nan and you are right – nothing prepares you for the heartache, the emptiness. Thinking of you! Keep your chin up alhtough it heart wrenching!
Janet Bs last blog post..Wordless Wednesday!
I feel for you honey…strength…
Mim
Yeah, it sucks so bad. I’m sorry 🙁
I don’t quite know how else to say it.
I forgot to comment on the last post but to pretend that cancer is not ugly and horrible really is stupid because life is not all happy bunny kitty pony stuff. Cancer sucks and it’s horrible and that’s the truth. I think I’m rambling here, sorry.
Also… thanks for the lovely comments on my post. <3
Sharnees last blog post..oh my
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