There is a bookshelf in my house. It reaches to the roof, tall and thin. It sits in a corner of the dining room, slightly wobbly but bolted to the wall to stop it falling over.
My father made this bookshelf, a few years ago, for Nan. He made it to cover a useless doorway, boarded over on the outside but visible and ugly on the inside. Shortly after it was installed it was filled with books, top to bottom. I used to stand and peruse the books, picking them up, hefting their weight in my hands, stroking their binding and then curling up with one to read.
Then Nan died.
And this bookshelf; the bookshelf my father made, got moved into my dining room along with all it’s books. The bottom four shelves still contain her books. Books that I used to read of a weekend, books she loaned me, books she was reading in the hospital before she died.
I can’t touch them. I can’t bring myself to stroke their spines anymore, let alone pick one up read it. There’s too much there, too many memories.
I look at the bookshelves and I have to walk away and remind myself to breathe. My stress levels rise and I start to shake. I have to walk away, leaving the books untouched and the stories unread.
I know it will get easier.
But.
Until then, it just sits there.
In the corner.
Wobbling.
***
I’m starting to get a little bitter. My anger is rising to the surface. Things haven’t been made easy for Mum and I in the last three months and there is still so much work left. The jobs stretch out on front of us, marking time until the house is sold. It’s never ending and never easy.
It’s been …. stressful. To say the least.
I’m a little bitter.
***
My shoulder clicks back into position before promptly falling out of it’s socket again. Electric signals sent down my fingers with alarming regularity reminds me that it doesn’t work properly, not anymore.
For that matter, neither do I.
***
Lileya from In The Fringes wrote:
There is a fine line between trying to look on the bright side and putting on a happy act.
and that is so true. That line, resonates within me.
Too often I put on a happy act.
I’m not okay. I’m sick and tired and my joints hurt and nothing stays put anymore. I’m grieving still. A lot.
And I’m sick and fucking tired of having my grief mean nothing because she was ‘only’ my grandmother. I’m sick of having my pain discounted because you can’t understand it.
I miss her everyday.
My joints dislocate everyday.
Every. Single. Day.
So fuck you Anyonetoblog. No really, fuck you. You can’t be bothered to see my side of it? I can’t be bothered to be nice anymore.
Oh my goodness.
I’m so sorry and sad for you. I wish that the pain, both physical and emotional would ease and that the nasty people would just stay away.
I’ve never de-lurked & left a comment on your Blog before.
What a totally bullshit comment to leave on your Blog! I can’t believe some people, why they would waste their time leaving nasty comments about someone they don’t even know, just says alot about that person.
I love your Blog & your heartfelt writing. When I’m feeling sorry for myself as a mum you are one of the people I think of & realise there are always people out doing things touger (& better!) than I am & pull my shit together.
Even through your pain & sadness, you are an inspiration to some of us.
Mourning is certainly not just a matter of weeks or months – it is different for everyone. I am glad, however, that you have the bookshelf and your Grandmother’s books in your dining room. What a lovely reminder it will be to you at some point in the future. You will, someday, be able to stroke and hold those books again. You will smile again. You will have a happy memory of your Nan and a smile will flit across your face. It won’t be tears for evermore.
That moronic arsehat does not deserve a moment of your thought, love. What sort of person can be bothered leaving a comment like that? They must have a VERY, VERY empty life themselves.
You need to just let yourself have whatever time you need to grieve. It will never really get better but I do hope that you will find some easing in your pain soon.
As for the physical pain. That is just intolerable and not fair. It is not fair that you have to go through it every day and there is nothing that can be done. I saw, a while back, a show about someone needing a hip replacement and the doc was saying that it’s just intolerable for someone to have so much pain and discomfort moving and something needed to be done to help them and I thought, “yeah, it does suck but there are plenty of people for whom there is no easy fix”, When there’s no easy fix we kinda just get told to suck it up – unfixable pain doesn’t matter or something. I have no idea what my point was any more. Just that it sucks and you have a right to feel that it sucks and to express that. No one expects you to put on a happy act. This is YOUR blog!!!
I hope you come to use those books every day with Isaac and Amy. I really like Ali’s comment about unfixable pain not mattering anymore. Yep, just suck it up and deal with it. (Oh, and I wonder why you’re depressed. They have meds for that, you know…) And why can you type 100 words and not write 40? Typing is a lot easier and grip isn’t an issue with the computer. Wow… I don’t have a disability in that way, and even I could figure that one out.
Some people! deserve a hug. ((mmm)) There ya go.
Oh geez some people are just born arseholes. Don’t mind them Veronica. They are sad, pathetic little creature who does not deserve an iota of your time. Hugs to you.xxxx
Don’t waste your time and energy on the negative arseholes who post such crap.
One day, just as you will get some sleep (!!!) you will also be able to not only read but enjoy Nan’s books again.
Hugs – lots of them 😉
Veronica, the idiot who wrote the crap unfeeling comment does not deserve one iota of your attention. I wrote on my blog about idiots like that. I am mad now that again its upsetting you when you are upset already. I am up again in the middle of the night with the unrelenting pain (if that is a word) of EDS etc and wonder again why this person feels the need to comment on something they know absolutely nothing about. Its making me crosser that I am to even say again that this person is just plain nasty a faceless internet bully. Its easy for me sitting here to say ignore it, somethings just stick in the brain but if you can ignore it, print out the comments from said nasty person, rip up into little bits and put it out with the trash. Gone. Where it deserves to be.
On the bitterness and anger in a way its hard to write but my gut feeling this is part of the grieving process. I had it about the same time after my grandmother died, I was plain angry. Angry about the whole fucking deal. No-one teaches us at school about how to deal with this grief & where to file in in the emotional filing cabinet. We are adults yet we want to behave like a child, scream and cry and tantrum like children do. Children tantrum because they cannot verbalise how they are feeling and let it out in a big explosion of rage. You still verbalise well about how you are feeling yet my guess is there is a whole load of rage still there, not just to do with the passing away but the historical significance of her in your life. The bookcase seems to me to represent your feelings at the moment and you are not ready yet to ‘go there’. Go there when you are ready and as pop and ice says in time you will cherish its contents.
In the meantime, try what I still do, find a special photo and talk to her still, in your mind you will hear her replies, she will answer in your mind. You will know what she would have said when you need to talk and mine still coaxes me away from despair. One day soon in your private conversations she will make you laugh or smile and in time you may find this happens more than anger and tears and the sheer exhaustion of missing her. Life will never be the same without her physical presence in your life I know. But her love will embrace you forever.
On the EDS is utter shit front. I completely agree. I love your honesty in this because in reality it is. Putting on a happy act is tiring in itself and your grief and your pain are all mixed up together to make life so hard right now. Veronica keep writing, this may not mean much but the fact that you do helps me cope because I know you are trying so f””’ing hard to keep your s’it together.
For the physical pain, really look into accessing a pain management course it helped me a lot more than I thought it would. I am wondering if grief counselling would help although I am loathe to type that for some reason. I don’t know your thoughts on anti-depressants either but I am wondering if even discussing this with your gp may be an option. I know you still breastfeed so this may be out of the question.
I keep getting this thought that won’t go away that you and other half need a break with just each other even if its only for a weekend.
Veronica, hang on in there I am sitting here in the UK in the middle of the night, wishing for you that tomorrow, there is a rainbow in the sky just for you.
so sorry you’ve been trolled….what a sad way to get your kicks in life!!!
just wanted to say pleeeeeease go easy on yourself – how much and how long you grieve depends on nothing and nobody but you! sometimes people mourn quite little for a so-called ‘closer’ relative because they just didn’t mean as much to them as your nan did and does to you. don’t feel pushed by anyone to conform to what’s ‘expected’ of you – go with the grief, allow it to take you where it will, and once it’s finished with you – only then – will you be able to feel that old love for the books, or get through a day without tears and rage, or smile fondly when you think of her etc….until then, please wallow!!!
x
Bloody trolls! I’m glad you told her/him off.
I’m betting there will come a day when Amy says “these are mynanny’s books, can we read one?” and you’ll both sit down together and turn pages while memories flood your mind and new memories are made in Amy’s mind.
I know all about putting on a happy face. I do it everyday and mostly carry it off, but every once in a while a day comes when I’m grumpy, bad tempered, whatever and all i want to do is sleep. Today was such a day, but I’m starting to lighten up a bit now.
I hope your shoulder behaves itself for a while.
Oh love, it’s so unfair for you to have deal with all this shit. Having a troll on top of all that really sucks.
I wish there were something I could say to help. Very gentle (((hugs))).
She wasn’t ‘only your grandmother!’
That means my Nathan is only a stranger I met once for a drink.
When someone means that much to you it doesnt matter how you came to know them.
I hope you will be able to pick up those books, I know how much you love to read.
Everyone has issues, some have more than others and that is how they summon superhuman strength when others would fail.
I hate it when people judge what they cant understand.
Don’t let that bastard get to you. You need to grieve and feel the pain for however long you need to. No one has the power to tell you otherwise.
Oh sweetheart, I just wish there was something I could do, I really do. Sending you lots of love honey xxx
I am so sorry. Why do people leave nasty comments? Consider yourself hugged and much loved.
On the bright side, you know you’ve finally “arrived” in the bloggy world when you have mean comments on your blog.
You are awesome, and you are healing (emotionally and physically). That’s all that matters. And to the naysayers, FUCK YA’LL.
One day, the books will hold less pain. And you will rejoice in their presence.
I still grieve for the loss of my grandmother. She’s been gone for sixteen years. Eventually, the grief becomes a place of strength and joy. Mixed with sadness… of course. Yet still, a pure sense of awe that you had the opportunity to know her and love her as you did.
Promise!
I wish I had some amazing and profound words to share–I don’t. However, as always I send ((hugs)), positive thoughts and prayers. And, Anyonetoblog is a horse’s ass.
Vonnie, you’re a bright intelligent girl who is in emotional and physical pain, you need to look after yourself.
As for that piece of dog shyte troll – wipe the stench of its garbage off your feet and kick it to the kerb where it belongs, right beside the trash.
Sorry things are not so well for you.It really must be more complex and difficult too with a baby and a toddler.
I am so sad for you too – that troll is just nasty – afterall it is your blog she can just saty away .
I hope too that the pain, both physical and emotional eases to a manageable level.
Thanks for the supportive words on my BAHA surgery.
I meant to comment about the books too …when I see the books my Dad read in his bookshelf and the ones I still had of his when he died, it hits a raw spot.
One day you will want to relive these books and the things that mattered to Nan.
There are hundreds of us who love you. And if there aren’t quite that many .. well, there should be. So focus on us and what WE have to say and ignore the dickwads, okay?
Your troll only wishes he’d felt the love and closeness you and your Nan felt for each other. This person is obviously jealous of a relationship they’ve never experienced, hence the need to criticize and attempt to take away the significance of your joy having loved Your Nan so deeply, and having her love you so deeply in return. I’d say let’s pity the troll, but that’s more energy than “he” deserves. I know it’s impossible not to think of the cutting words, but think of the ignorance of actually saying “can’t write 40 words but can type”. WELL, everybody with problem joints knows that often times (as is my case) writing with a pen is impossible, yet typing is much more comfortable and can be done sometimes for hours with relatively no pain. I think your troll wants to belittle or silence your love for your Nan. I think “he” really should fuck off.
hi!
I don’t know you yet but, by reading some of your posts, I like you! Don’t let people tell what you should feel or think. Just shout whenever you need and don’t forget all those great things you have learnt from your family and friends.
Good vibes from spain…
Thomas Paine has always been one of my very favorite authors. I’ve copied this out of “To Forgetfulness” and today it makes me think of you and your Mum. I hope it doesn’t offend.
“All grief, like all things else, will yield to the obliterating power of time. While despair is preying on the mind, time and its effects are preying on despair; and certain it is, the dismal vision will fade away, and Forgetfulness, with her sister Ease, will change the scene. Then let not the wretched be rash, but wait, painful as the struggle may be, the arrival of Forgetfulness; for it will certainly arrive.”
Hang in there honey…. it takes time. TIME which has not had a chance to pass yet. I’m just so sorry it feels like it’s taking SO LONG.
Last night as I laid in bed, every joint in my body aching with no relief, I was hopeful that by today the pain would be gone, and it is. It always makes me think of you… hoping that you get relief… in some form.
big hugs hun..
thinking of ya..
sending love your way too..
Sorry things are not so well for you.It really must be more complex and difficult too with a baby and a toddler.
I am so sad for you too – that troll is just nasty – afterall it is your blog she can just saty away .
I hope too that the pain, both physical and emotional eases to a manageable level.
Thanks for the supportive words on my BAHA surgery.
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