Otherwise entitled, “Why so judgey, Internet?”
Yesterday, 93.6 Hobart asked on their facebook page, what we as parents do to combat feelings of isolation or guilt. There were some great answers and the lovely Sallyanne and I agreed that online communities are an excellent way to keep in touch with friends and family when real life doesn’t enable you to do that.
My stock standard answer, whenever anyone asks me what I do to keep myself sane is “I blog.”
And it’s true. This little community here has saved my sanity on more than one occasion.
Sure, I do other things to make myself happy – I take time out to read books, I daydream, I buy delicious loose leaf tea and refuse to talk to anyone while I drink it. I take the smallest things and savour them and I laugh, a lot.
Mostly though, my sanity saver is blogging.
However, social media is a very new thing and it wasn’t available to a lot of parents. Something that people are all too willing to remind us.
And really, flippant comments like “We had no time for sipping lattes and babycinos in trendy cafes” are not adding anything to the conversation, except a bucketload of guilt that apparently, mothers nowadays are doing it wrong.
I could rant and rave about judging people (how do you know that mother in a trendy cafe with her baby isn’t taking her first time out in 6 months? how do you know it isn’t her one outing this month? HOW DO YOU KNOW?) but it wouldn’t do any good – people would still be judging and mothers would still be getting landed with a large guilt trip over “not doing it tough enough”.
Guilt is a useless emotion. It doesn’t do anything except make me doubt myself and when Amy was a baby (screaming, screaming all the time) I promised that I would not guilt trip myself. I would refuse to feel bad for sneaking a coffee at a cafe with my mothers group and I would refuse to feel bad for things I could not control.
Nowadays, I don’t “do” guilt. But it doesn’t stop me wanting to explain myself and my unique set of circumstances to every single judgey person out there. Should I explain about autism? About Ehlers Danlos? About how the Internet has very truly saved my sanity?
Sure. I could.
But I’m also pretty sure that it wouldn’t make a difference to people who want to play pain olympics and talk about who has it tougher, or who is the most selfless mother, putting themselves last always.
Here’s the thing:
I take good care of my sanity, because for a while there, I consistently put myself last and not only did I nearly have a mental breakdown, I nearly had a physical one.
It took me a long time to recover and I am reluctant to ever let things get to that point again.
Things are better now. I take time out to look after myself.
And sure, some days that time out is merely sitting in my bedroom alone for 10 minutes while I drink a cup of tea.
Other days, it’s taking the time to feel the sun on my face while I remember to breathe. Or turning the music up really loud and not caring what anyone else thinks of my musical tastes. Or leaving the children with their Daddy, while I attend events in the city.
I’m not a martyr and I refuse to be one.
Life is hard enough without carrying around a backpack full of guilt.
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I would love to know, what do you do to preserve your sanity? Any tips for parents (especially new parents) who might be struggling?
I try and make sure I have connected with a friend every day – of course, meeting up is the best sanity-preserver, but a phonecall or even a few texts (for those manic-mummy days) help you remember that you are YOU, not just a mummy. It helps xx
Online communities are great! I had an online mothers group and that really helped to keep me sane and feeling connected in the first few months. I didn’t know anyone with kids, I was in a relatively new place, both our families were a long way away, I’d hardly ever even held a baby before, let alone lived with one. It was a real struggle and my online friends were pretty much my only connection. we were all going through the same thing and it helped enormously to share stories, get virtual hugs when things weren’t going so well and know that I wasn’t alone in all this.
Good for you for buying out of the guilt thing. It really is a trap, it’s unhelpful and destructive. I fall into it too. It’s not a nice place to be and doesn’t achieve anything. We are all doing the best we can with what we have, what we know and what we believe. Sometimes we make mistakes, but we learn from them and move on (well, we try to!)
I still find it hard to look after me. I still feel guilty about it. But I’m slowly learning how to do it. Baby steps.
God I SO know where you’re coming from here!
Even those who are OHSOPROUD of themselves for going through labour medication-free.
“54 hours of labour and I didn’t even use gas and air”… I mean really. What’s the medal for that? You went through a shitload of pain you could have been dreamily avoiding by sucking on gas and air and diamorphine! (unless it doesn’t agree with you, and you’re terrified of needles or your back being permanently f’ed up by an epidural (the latter of which is ohso true for me!))
It just seems stupid to me.
Bring back the red tents too, I say. Let us have other people take care of everything once a month while we get taken care of by others. Bloody good for you! (excuse the pun!)
I used to feel awfully guilty.
Then I nearly lost it with PND.
Now I’m happily on an even keel, thanks to the happy pills, and I refuse to have one day where I don’t take some time out for myself.
I need it.
Hell, I damn well deserve it!
And so does everyone else!
I agree, taking time out just for me really is the best way to save my sanity. I am one of those introverted types who really values my time to myself and my solitude and when I had my kids, I really wasn’t prepared for the loss of that. I really struggled at first, thinking that I couldn’t possibly take time out just for me, especially when no one else in my mother’s group seemed to be owning up to needing it (they did, just didn’t want to admit it), but eventually I realised that a happy mum is a better mum. And now that I take some time out away from my kids, even if it’s just 10 minutes to drink my coffee and catch up on my emails while they watch TV, the noisy crazy times with them don’t seem nearly as bad. I don’t do guilt anymore either, it’s such a destructive, mind destroying emotion. Parenting is challenging enough without throwing a serve of guilt into the mix!
I love what you’ve written! Look, I can remember my mother and other mothers, her peers. I remember one thing I noticed as a kid is that mums drink a lot of coffee and tea and I could never understand why, haha!
Honestly? I think the ‘we never had…’ brigade forget what they actually did, and that they were never perfect either.
I love your coining of the phrase, ‘pain olympics’ also. I was in a forum talking about ‘what do SAHMS do all day?’. It very quickly turned , predictably, into a ‘who has to harder? SAHMS or working mums’ type thing. Why is the person who has is harder, better? I was so pleased later on in the discussion that some more down to earth mums from both ‘sides’ for want of a better word, came in to say, there’s nothing wrong with being happy with how you’ve chosen to parent. Be that stopping to read a book, having a cuppa, going to the gym.
Why aren’t people happy to see other mums doing what makes them and their family happy? Also, why is how ‘trendy’ the cafe is, so offensive? That always cracks me up!
I couldn’t agree more. And so freaking what if that parent goes to that trendy cafe every single day or twice a day and enjoys her damn latte?! If that’s what it takes for her to have some time out in a day that is otherwise filled with ‘MUMMY?!’, ‘I want . . .’, ‘But why?’ and my personal favourite ‘But I just want to . . . ‘ more power to her.
Exactly. Why is it up to anyone else to judge what is a “right” way to stay sane?
I’m not good with guilt. I’d like to think that it’s circumstances and if we lived somewhere else I’d be different, but seeing I’d still be the same I doubt it.
I like working, I’m an academic at heart and love my blogging and talking educational theory. Unfortunately it’s a time management problem that adds to the pressure and guilt.
I’ve been contemplating going back to work and looking at the different way people operate in that sphere. As parents we are are pressured into particular expectations and power dynamics with our children, and some of them are legitimate – our kids don’t know social and practical rules and it’s our job to help them until they learn. But can you imagine importing those expectations and rules into a work setting? It would be complete and utter chaos and revolt. I think I need to relax on my kids a bit more.
Without the internet, without blogs, without ‘unreal’ internet peeople, I’d have killed myself during pregnancy. Or maybe PND and reflux would have seen me off in the first month (or two, or three, because without the internet the dairy allergy diagnosis just wouldn’t have happened) and I definitely would have been dead by about 7 or 8 months when I thought I was losing it even more with Mysterious And Chronic Constant Pain And Tiredness That Just Never Ever Fucking Stopped (the point at which I found you, and other EDS bloggers) and I really really wouldn’t have made it out of the vacuum of despair that comes around and sucks me in periodically, or the manic manic manic crackventure that follows, without my base of internet people. The internet doesn’t just save my sanity, it saves my life, over and over and over again.
The guilt thing….I feel it. I feel it keenly. I feel like I constantly have to explain and defend and fight for my right to not be held up to the same standards as people with full control of their limbs and minds. It’s exhausting. And no matter how hard I fight there are people who just cannot ever understand something so far out of their experience, and who will still just dismiss me as lazy and crazy, don’t-care-enough to ‘just pull myself together’, condemn me for not having what they feel are the appropriate responses to my situation. And even though I know these people are basically assholes and the correct response is to roll my eyes and let it wash over me, I can’t. I just can’t. It eats at me like acid, the guilt, the nagging feeling that I’m failing my child. You’ve seen over the last two years how that’s affected me, how low it’s made me, how it’s nearly destroyed my marriage and my life and my health. I don’t know that I can ever fix that though. There’s no pill I can take to make me immune to guilt, and there are no magic words to make people understand what they don’t want to.
As for how hard my mother had it in her day, she was surrounded by family and had a live in maid and more than enough money. She knows better than to pull that line on me. Most people do, thank god!
Such truth.
I have no idea how I would have coped without blogs and social media.
I’ve learned to block out the looks in public, unless someone directly approaches me and says something I can ignore it.
My mum sent me to boarding school for my first year of school and before that we had a maid, cook and guard who I spent all my time with whilst Mum and Dad were busy being doctor and nurse to the community in the rural town in Nigeria where we lived. I remember mum struggling when we returned to Australia, looking after myself and my brother by herself with none of the support staff she had gotten used to. Very different world.
I was a mother before the Internet. I think mothers today have to deal with many more intrusions and distractions than we did. Imagine no computers, no cell phones, no cable. The only children shows on TV were Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers. I did a lot of journaling which I guess is in a way like blogging, except the whole world didn’t read it, but somehow it still helped to give me perspective. Many mothers would find another mother with same age children and take turns taking each other’s kids so we could go to appointments or run errands without kids. Of course we also had mother groups and park playdates. I also was in a group of women that met one evening a month just to talk, see a movie, etc. I think life moved at a slower pace then, I’m not sure I could survive raising four kids (I also have EDS) in this current face paced world with it’s technological toys and devices. It was also more of a PG world as opposed to the R rated world we live in now where kids are exposed to so many inappropriate things and requires more aggressive parenting to keep kids away from bad influences.
I think having ‘me time’ is crucial-doing a job I love and spending quality time (and the rest ie ironing) with my family makes me happy. Twitter and my blog is a haven-a place I can work creatively where I’m my own boss/editor etc. As a freelance writer, you do have an element of control but more so on your blog. It’s your space, your voice and you’re free to do what you want there.
I have stages when my life feels very calm and manageable, and my sanity isn’t in question. This is usually when no-one is sick, no-one is having a week-long emo, the weather is nice, we have enough money, I have just the right amount of consulting work in for interest but not enough to stress me, and all is well in a beautiful world.
For the other 51 weeks of the year, my sanity is found in reading, writing and social media. I cannot go a day without reading something non-essential (ie not for work or school!) and I make no apologies for sitting with a cuppa and reading my novel while the kids play, or when they’re asleep and I suppose I ought to be scrubbing the kitchen grout with a toothbrush or whatever. I also write most days, whether its my blog or poetry or one of my several WIPs. I disappear into the world of words, and it does me good.
As for social media, I find Twitter and my online community (through my blog) to be extremely important to maintaining my equilibrium. The outlet they give for open communication, venting, and more or less instant feedback has rescued my mood from dark and unpleasant places more times than I can count. I actually prefer to tallk about issues on Twitter than IRL, because my Twitter followers are much less judgemental and more helpful than most of the ppl I know IRL, which is kind of sad in a way. I don’t tweet everyday or for extended periods, but when I do, it’s a high value activity for me.
I don’t go out by myself a lot and don’t really feel the need to – that’s not what feeds me. I do make space to indulge in books, writing and social media at home, and that’s my balm.
One of the best pieces of advice I was given was, ” Get rid of the toxic people in your life”.
Most of them were rellies, but I did and life is simpler. You can do this symbolically by cutting imaginary cords tied to the people you need to purge from your life.
You, as a mother are the most important being in your family. Time out for you is necessary to recharge. An appreciation by others of all you do comes a pretty close second.
Our whole life = the pursuit of happiness. Happiness means different things to different people. Wealth, health, family, friends, writing etc etc.
Who fucking cares what people think or say.. Do they come and hold your hair back when you are bent over the toilet bowl, vomiting? Do they offer to nurse your baby when they are crying? Do they pay your bills?
Do they come and cook you a week’s worth of meals to help out?
Do they do your laundry? Do they take your kiddies for a long walk? What about a clean of the bathroom and toilet? Do they sit and talk with you or even offer to help? Do they come and mow your lawn?
I have a lovely young friend who has planned her three children under 4 and is planning another. When ever she goes out, she gets looks or some comments that hurt. Yes, she gets compliments too. They are all well dressed, clean and well fed. I think that most of the population is just naturally critical. Ignore, ignore, ignore is the rule!
Times are very hard for some people and I can not understand the crap about how hard “they” did it. You may be wealthy with a nanny but have PND and a few extra kilos that is sending you round the bend. I had undiagnosed PND and a very critical mother! Not a good combination. She even asked my then sister in law to tell mt friend not to visit me so often. This friend was a lifesaver, with her sense of humour and her help to me.
Gee…. I am ranting on here. Best wishes.
Good for you – don’t let ANYONE make you feel guilty!!
Thing is, in those ‘we didn’t have mobile phones and trendy cafes’ days, sure, they didn’t have labour saving devices, they didn’t have benefits, they didn’t have accessible entertainment/shops/support services etc, but what they usually DID have was an extended network of friends and relations who would muck in. And because they didn’t have the shops/entertainment/etc to tempt their kids, neither their wallets nor their ingenuity was stretched keeping their family together. They knew nothing of the stress of the disposable society, or the ‘Mummy I wants’ faced with shelves and shelves and shelves of apparently available goodies. They weren’t afraid to let their kids walk to school or go out to play on their own, and the horrors and pressures of the four corners of the globe were not beamed directly into their living room. In short, both we AND our ancestors could say to each other with perfect conviction: ‘you don’t know how well off you are!’. 😉
1. Online friends, (especially parents) and parenting websites and forums, funny stories about being a parent, blogging and reading other blogs and things I can relate to so I don’t feel alone.
2. Real life friends (especially parents) making time to actually text, visit or call.
3. Op Shopping! Finding bargains makes me happy and in a bargain store it’s easier to get a treat for the little ones too without spending a fortune!
4. Playing with my Daughter, or even watching her. Listening to what she says, watching how she plays. Photographing her as she grows.
5. Writing lists to clear my mind. If I have a list sitting in front of me (Where Emily can’t reach it!) then I know that whatever happens in the chaos of being a Mum, Working and Uni then my list will still be there and I can make sure that I don’t forget to do anything.
Having the support we have online is truly something to be grateful for. Judging others seems to be an international sport these days. I think it makes people feel better about themselves… ironically. x
You are such a breath of fresh air!! So real!! Thanks!
LOVE this post 🙂
I could not survive without my blog
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