How To Reperkify Your Breasts

by Veronica on May 31, 2008

in Life

Duct tape.

You all know I am a big fan of duct tape. Duct tape cures everything, fixes everything and I think in a pinch, you could probably use it to wax your legs (anyone know if this is true? Feel free to ‘fess up). So what you need to do, is kind of create a bra from duct tape and then stick your boobs into a perky position.

You know, as in not down near your belly button.

I think the best way to accomplish this would be to stand on your hands and then get your husband/partner/friend/sister to duct tape them that way. Then, you flip (or flop, depending on your acrobatic abilities) back into an upright position and BANG, perky boobs.

Want it really badly. The J-Lo approach.

Now, this next one is the J-Lo approach. You need to want it really badly. Deep down you KNOW that there is nothing wrong with your boobs and therefore they should not be sagging. Keep reminding yourself that you want this really badly, there is nothing wrong and BANG, perky boobs.

[It is to be noted that J-Lo’s approach may only work with conceiving twins after a few years of infertility. It may not have any effect on your perfectly healthy breasts. However, it did seem to have a fantastic effect on her perfectly healthy reproductive system. Not that her many trips to an infertility clinic had anything to do with it though.]

Tie your nipples to your ears.

Now this one is likely to make some women cringe. You take a set of nipple clamps –

and attach them to your nipples. Hopefully if you are anything like me, the time you spent breatfeeding will have completely numbed your nipples. However, if your nipples still have sensation or you didn’t breastfeed, then I recommend this product.

Once you have the clamps applied, then simply attach string and hoist your boobies up into a perky position. Tie off. Your ears are a good tie off point. BANG! Perky boobs.

Lay in a pool on your back in freezing conditions.

Now have you noticed how when you lay in the bathtub your boobs float and seem to resume some sort of pre-child shape? Well, I am going one better.

You need to find an unheated swimming pool in the middle of winter. Then, you need to float on your back topless in it (it would probably help if there was no-one else using the pool. Midnight is a good time. While you do this, you need someone (husband/partner/friend/sister) to photograph them.

This method is slightly less permanent than the other 3, but the good thing is, you get a photograph of your perky boobs, seemingly untouched by anything. You will need photoshop abilities though to remove the goosebumps and blue tinge from your skin.

So there you go, 4 easy and relatively painless (hahahah) methods of reperkifying your breasts.

**********

I, the author take no responsibility for duct tape burn, dashed hopes, nipple contusions or hypothermia. But hell, if you want to try any of these methods (or have tried them in the past) feel free to let me know! I am always interested in new ways to reperkify my boobs.

Xbox4NappyRash May 31, 2008 at 9:04 pm

I’m so trying one of those methods, but I’m not saying which…

Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..Available for trade

Bettina May 31, 2008 at 9:36 pm

I think I’ll stick with the good old push up bra thanks. lmao

Bettinas last blog post..Waking Children Part 2

frogpondsrock May 31, 2008 at 9:42 pm

Are they nipple clamps??? *doh* I thought they were fancy zipper thingys..

frogpondsrocks last blog post..What is your ecological footprint?

witchypoo May 31, 2008 at 9:53 pm

I have often wondered if the duct tape would work to wax the legs. Maybe we could convince Lotus to try it.

witchypoos last blog post..My Blog Blew Up

nikki May 31, 2008 at 11:02 pm

Yeah, I will just leave mine sagging. And buy a really good bra.

Great list!

nikkis last blog post..Gosh Damnit

maiden53 June 1, 2008 at 12:11 am

I am hoping that if I keep losing weight, I will have nothing left that will sag!

maiden53s last blog post..Body Art – New and Old

Jenn June 1, 2008 at 12:46 am

How funny !

Hyphen Mama June 1, 2008 at 1:54 am

My boobs are in so much better shape after breastfeeding the 2nd kid for 21 months! I SWEAR they’re perkier and better shaped than before. I no longer fantasize about a boob lift. Woo HOO… there really needed to be some payback after all that, right?

Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Fear and Loathing on Friday

Ree June 1, 2008 at 11:33 am

Victoria’s Secret bra. NEVER take it off. 😉

Rees last blog post..Let’s Talk About Sex-ku

tanya June 1, 2008 at 11:57 am

giggled…then cringed

Suze June 1, 2008 at 1:38 pm

I forgo the duct tape and nipple clamps and just chuck my boobs over my shoulders. REsult: perky boobs, and eighties style shoulder pads all in one – talk about your win-win situation!

Sharon June 1, 2008 at 2:37 pm

None of that faffing around for me, I’m going for the big Lotto win and a complete body re-build!!

anja June 1, 2008 at 4:42 pm

boxboy, the nipple clamps won’t make it any bigger. *sniggers*

Veronica, you’re 19! The boobies should still be beautiful.

anjas last blog post..Going for the all time offensive title.

river June 1, 2008 at 8:32 pm

Sharon:- Get in line. (me first, you can have the next big win).
Meanwhile, I’ll just shorten the straps on my bra. It works. YES, REALLY. Lifts them up at least 1/4 of an inch….

Soliloquy June 2, 2008 at 3:32 am

EXACTLY why I am doing something permanent about the issue.

June 24th, baby. Consult with “the” boob guy in Atlanta.

HI. LAR. I. OUS. post.

Be sure to come read me on June 24th.

Leslie June 2, 2008 at 3:50 am

I’ve given up the perky breast dream. I just let ’em hang.

Tara June 2, 2008 at 3:56 am

Veronica – your boobs will be plenty perky after #2 arrives – remember that engorgement? Those babies could hold you up – two extra feet!

tiff June 2, 2008 at 11:43 am

Um, I don’t consider that I have boobs anymore, just stuffers for my nanna undies.
If I were to perkify, I would look weird, I think. Either that or I wouldn’t be able to see anything or I might suffocate from all the boob tissue…

tiffs last blog post..Weekly Winners, limping it in edition.

Tracey June 2, 2008 at 7:25 pm

So, I work in an office, yeah? And I’m sending a fax. This guy I work with walks up to the stationery cupboard and goes ‘is there any duct tape in here?’ I’m like: ‘why would there be? And anyway, why do you need it?’

He then gave me a really unecessarily long explanation, to which I chose not to listen, followed by ‘Hey! I found some!’

Go figure.

Kat June 3, 2008 at 12:11 pm

Hmm. I think I’ll skip all of those and just go in for some surgery when I’m done having babies. A friend of mine just did it, and DAMN does she ever have perky boobies now. And she’ll have them till the day she dies, god bless ‘er. The rest of her will sag, but not those new tits! I make fun of her because I’m jealous.

Kats last blog post..CFL Lightbulbs – TOXIC!

Dawn June 5, 2008 at 1:38 pm

the J-Lo. Oh well done.

Dawns last blog post..The Importance of a Properly Fitting Bra

Kara January 20, 2009 at 4:13 am

ha ha ha . this made me laughh.
i’m 16 years old and a 34 D.
i really don’t think there’s any hope
for me at all .
but heyy , i can tryy :p

Jessica March 26, 2010 at 3:52 am

As far as duct tape and waxing…yeah, I have tried it. 🙂 If you’re not careful, you may bring up some of the skin with the hair, and it can also bruise your skin badly. But I may not have ripped fast enough. :

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