Articulation

by Veronica on July 13, 2008

in Headfuck

I am an articulate person. You could almost say that I was wordy or that I talk too much.

Lately though, I find myself having a very hard time articulating how I am feeling. I spend alot of time just wishing Nathan would think to ask how I was doing, but then when he does ask, I say ‘I’m okay’ and leave it at that.

Seriously how is he meant to know that digging deeper might turn up other stuff? I am always fine and good and okay for everyone because that is the POLITE thing to be.

In reality I am not fine all the time. Sometimes I am not okay. I don’t cope all the time; I’m not sleeping well and I keep having bad dreams.

Not okay at all.

But, the flip side is that I don’t think I am not not okay. I think I am doing alright, on a day to day basis. I am refusing to think about anything that might happen after the PET scan results are back (still no word on the dates).

I just, don’t want to think about it right now. And doubtless when I have to think about it, I will spend all my time being matter of fact and simply dealing with the results.

That’s how I cope.

[We will pointedly ignore the fact that I spend a week coping and then a day where I fall to pieces badly. I figure as long as I can keep this up and time my falling to pieces to times when I have leisure to deal with it, then I will be okay]

It’s hard though. It’s hard not to think of afterwards and the fallout. Hard not to plan Christmas when we don’t know how things will be.

I have written and unwritten this post in various forms in the last fortnight. I think that outwardly I am coping so well, I don’t want my family to know that at times, I am finding this shit hard.

I don’t want hugs and sympathy from them. I don’t want to have to think about it, or be held, or have to deal with people wondering how I am coping.

I will cope until I can’t. Then I will cry until I can.

And then I will cope again.

That’s how it works.

But don’t doubt me, this shit is hard.

witchypoo July 13, 2008 at 11:14 pm

I feel you, darlin. And it makes no sense at all to worry over something you have no control over. Best wait for results, and create a plan of action. I think you must be doing yourself a huge favour in that department.

witchypoos last blog post..Horny McSlutty and Stoopid

Marylin July 13, 2008 at 11:20 pm

I am the same as you – I cope and cope and cope until I can’t hold it in anymore, then break down for a while, then pick myself up again.

Oh sweety, I just wish I was there to give ya a hug. 🙁

Marylins last blog post..9 Month Haiku.

sarah July 13, 2008 at 11:43 pm

I have no idea what it’s like to deal with the prospect of possibly losing a loved one slowly and painfully. My mother died suddenly and without warning nearly ten years ago. I still keep thinking of things I wish I’d talked to her about. So, from the perspective of someone who never got a chance to say goodbye, I would heartily recommend that you use this awful time to talk to your Gran. Ask her everything you’ve ever wanted to know about her life and family, about society when she was growing up, about what she remembers thinking of the first moon landing, and so on – and everything you imagine Amy and all your other children may one day want to know as well.
I doubt it will make coping now any easier, but in my experience it is only after someone is dead that we realise how little we really knew about them – and how much that hurts. Having said that, I sincerely hope that you have a very long time to ask your questions.

maiden53 July 14, 2008 at 12:27 am

well said, Sarah. The talking with your Gran will be very informative for you and it will help spend the waiting time. I bet she would love to have you there with her. It will keep both of your minds and hearts in the living time she has. Wether it be now or whenever. Your coping skills are fine, as far as I know of life. You can not bury your feelings, and you can not go off the deep end, either. There are many layers to life and death and you are beginning to peel them away. Amy and Nathan and many others will need your love and attention…. and don’t forget yourself, too 🙂 Much love and good thoughts are being sent to you from me.

maiden53s last blog post..The Calm Before the Storm??

Alice July 14, 2008 at 12:30 am

I would love to have some great words for you, but haven’t gone through anything so terrible. So I’ll let the others pass on their advice and just give you some virtual hugs!

Alices last blog post..Nothing to See… Just Walk On By

lceel July 14, 2008 at 1:06 am

You are one of the strongest women. I so admire you and your strength and your capacity for love and compassion. And you’re so young. I wonder what you’re going to be like as you get older and more experienced and your emotions grow and evolve.

What I wanted to say is that you have been given good advice, above. Talk to your Gran. Let her know how you feel. Find out how she’s feeling. Be there for her. Be there for YOU.

lceels last blog post..A Promised Picture

james r. July 14, 2008 at 5:11 am

I’m similar, I think. I say nothing (or find it very difficult to say anything) until it all comes out in a torrent.

Sending positive thoughts for you and your Gran…

Ree July 14, 2008 at 7:31 am

You KNOW I know what you’re feeling, right? I’m here if you want to vent. XXOO

Rees last blog post..Mr. Hot Shaved His Beard Off

Suze July 14, 2008 at 9:49 am

I really feel for you. But it seems to be you are doing fine all things considered. Recognising you are going to have bad days, and giving yourself time for them, is a healthy thing to do I would imaging.
Anyway, there’s no right or wrong way to deal, or cope. We’re all different, and we all have to do what we have to do.
Hang in there 🙂

Jayne July 14, 2008 at 10:09 am

You’re going to have to tell Nathan how you’re feeling – not in long sentences, just say “pretty crap today but I’m holding it together”, otherwise he has no idea what’s going on deep down. He’s your safety net, you need him up to speed to be there to support you if things get really rough.
Voicing your fears won’t make them real, it’s been out of your hands and in the ether longer than you knew about it.(((hugs)))

Jaynes last blog post..Trivial History July 14

katef July 14, 2008 at 10:52 am

Yep it’s hard… and even harder to put it into words to be able to explain to yourself, let alone anyone else… *hugs*

katefs last blog post..Kid Music – Snack Time

Mrs. C July 14, 2008 at 11:40 am

I think the hardest part of the really hard things is knowing that other people don’t feel as intensely about it as you do. Or that others don’t really *want* to understand.

That much I get in dealing with other things. Another peeve is the oh, hope you feel better soon and ya just want to smack someone. :[

I have to say though that reading the other comments just warms my heart and seeing you have your family AND blog friends caring so much.

Sharon July 14, 2008 at 1:32 pm

Veronica you have to keep putting one foot forward at a time. The things you cannot change you must absorb and learn from. Whatever happens you will get through it because you have Nathan, Amy and the new baby there for you and with you. Talk to Nathan or, if it’s easier, write him a letter explaining how you feel. Talk to your Nan, she know so much that you don’t and whether she lives for only a few months or for many years you will always value these conversations. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this horrible situation, all you can do is your best. I have watched my father die of mesothelioma and my younger sister from breast cancer, it sucks, but life goes on although you may not think so at the time. At the end of each and every day focus on the positive things that happened that day, and for goodness sake cry when you need to, there’s no shame attached to tears of love.

Hugs – lots of them!

Bettina July 14, 2008 at 2:51 pm

Men are more literal than us. More superficial perhaps, but yes, they only scratch the surface and if you tell them the surface is fine then that’s what they think. Took me quite a long time to not be ‘polite’ with my husband. He can’t know I need him, if I don’t tell him.

I’m not sure why you don’t want support from your family but it occurs to me that you are all in this together and should be able to lean on each other too. I’m quite sure they are all wondering how you are coping anyhow.

hang in there

huge hugs and non nausea inducing chocolate

Bettinas last blog post..Simple Pleasures Sunday

river July 14, 2008 at 5:14 pm

Sounds like you learned the same coping method I did. I’m fine. Fine I tell you. I’m OKAY. REALLY. Then comes the headache/crying/sleep for 6 hours day. Then it’s back to coping as usual. I explain the day as a hayfever migraine and hubby is usually relieved to know that he’s not the problem.
I understand about not being able to make long term plans because of your Nan though, and in the meantime the just not knowing is very wearing on the emotions. It really is much easier to get together with friends and family for a good cry, but if we’re not built that way, we just carry on, don’t we?

river July 14, 2008 at 5:18 pm

Also, what sarah and jayne said ^, and isn’t Lou a sweetie?

river July 14, 2008 at 5:26 pm

If Nathan reads your blog then he already knows how you are feeling………take the hug when he offers it.

Taz July 14, 2008 at 6:43 pm

thinking of ya hun..

big hugs..

hear if ya need me..

Tazs last blog post..Weekly Winners – 3.. 🙂

tiff July 14, 2008 at 9:30 pm

Veronica,

I have no advice for you.

I mean, I could tell you all the things that in hindsight I might have done when my father was dying but in the end, I coped about as well as you are now. Denial is a very strong urge, vaguing out another…

You will deal with it the best way you can and yes, it is hard and yes there will be awful days and also days where you cannot function properly. Stress is nasty that way.

Hugs, plenty of hugs.

tiffs last blog post..Weekly Winners.

Tara July 14, 2008 at 9:53 pm

Hugs honey. I’m right there with you. Like standing beside you in spirit. Isn’t it funny how life NEVER stops with a child, and no matter how badly you want to cope, you really can’t b/c the kids are there, always: needing, wanting, demanding…

Deb July 14, 2008 at 10:00 pm

I’m just so sorry for what you’re dealing with. I think we all have our own ways of coping and there is no *right* way to cope. I, too, have felt the urge not to let my family see how much I have hurt inside, and functioned very mechanically when presented with bad news. Thank you for your raw honesty on your blog. I think we all help each other when we share in this way.

Debs last blog post..Deb and swimming class, Vol 1

nikki July 14, 2008 at 10:25 pm

This shit is always hard. I’m the same. My shoulders are strong, but when the weight becomes too much, the tears come.

nikkis last blog post..Do you feel like quoting Poe?

Suzie July 15, 2008 at 12:57 am

Oh it is hard. Really horribly hard. ANd I am so sorry. I wish i could take away your pain. Im praying for your mom.

Suzies last blog post..I Hate That Fairy Anyway!

Xbox4NappyRash July 15, 2008 at 5:45 am

Dunno what to say really.
Just stick together, as much as you can.

Xbox4NappyRashs last blog post..The best laid plans

Sandy (Momisodes) July 15, 2008 at 8:12 am

I wish I had better words to offer. I deal the same way you do.

Hang in there. Sending you *hugs*

Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..Reminiscent Guilt

Tanya July 15, 2008 at 10:10 am

Everyone has bad experiences.

It’s how you cope that makes the difference.

(someone once said that)

No matter how upset or worried you are about something, that does not make it go away. It will still be there no matter which way you deal with it. If you deal with it in a way that will benefit you and your family that is the best you can do.

I cope by cleaning the house. Yesterday I was upset and by this morning the house was spotless and all the washing done. That’s how I cope, I try to put some organisation in my life some other way. I know you’re a smart girl and you will work yourself out.

Good luck xxx

P.S My Nathan knows whats going on with me even if I don’t tell. I bet yours does too.

Kat July 16, 2008 at 11:19 am

I’m sure it is.
B vitamins… have I mentioned B-Complex?
With baby and no sleep and extra stress…it’ll save you… and help the coping last longer…

Kats last blog post..My Tribulations

Hyphen Mama July 16, 2008 at 12:35 pm

Yes, what everybody has said. And give yourself permission to break down. It’s part of the cycle. Don’t hold it in until you break. It’s not good for you or the baby. If you need to cry, cry.

Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Viewing Life Through a Camera Lens

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