Month: May 2008

So, mice have soft fur….

…And I was thinking, since I am such a bloodthirsty killer, I could totally make a mouse skin blanket out of mice that I kill with my schwacker.

But, see, mice are dirty. So I would have to wash the skins first.

My plan?

1 – Schwack a mouse. Maybe do some reflex training so that I am actually fast enough to schwack the mouse. So far my schwacker remains completely clean of mouse blood. So does my conscience.

2 – Keep the mouse comatose, but not dead. Give mouse a bath, along with shampoo to make it nice and clean.

3 – Carefully dry the comatose mouse (maybe I need some mouse chloroform to keep it asleep?) and fluff their fur appropriately.

4 – Sharpen my very good, very sharp boning knife. Sharpen it to really really really fucking sharp.

5 – Kill mouse humanely. Maybe with a hammer blow to the head. Very quick and as the mouse is asleep (see above for mouse chloroform), very humane.

6 – Cut mouse’s head off, trying (and I guess failing) to keep blood away from the fur. Make an incision along the stomach and back legs and using the knife carefully peel the skin off.

7 – Feed left over mouse bits to the cats. Hope that this will teach the cats to catch mice so that I don’t have to do it for them.

8 – Make sure the mouse skin is clean of flesh and carefully peg it out to dry (use drawing pins). Refer to handheld manual, ‘How To Dry Mouse Skins For Use As A Blanket’ (albeit a very small blanket. More of a mouse warning sign).

9 – Make sure skin stays nice and dry for the next few weeks.

10 – Repeat x150 to get enough skins to sew together.

11 – Make sure the remaining alive mice see the mouse-skin blanket at every opportunity. Taunt them with it until they fuck off forever.

Hopefully by about mouse #5, the cats will have gotten the idea and I won’t have to schwack so many of them. (The mice, not the cats) Maybe I will even recruit the cats to hand me dead, pre-washed (read: licked) mice for me to skin for them.

Oh the possibilities…

My hairbrush is missing and the only thing I can think of is Alien Abduction.

I mean, it is entirely plausible for a shipload of Aliens to float down to earth while I am busy and abduct my hairbrush.

Right?

What definitely in no way could possibly have happened would be a Toddler Abduction. A toddler abducting my hairbrush? DON’T BE SILLY. That would NEVER HAPPEN.

No matter that the hairbrush went missing right after I brushed Amy’s hair and made her scream. Right after she looked at the hairbrush and told me it was a ‘Bad bad bad NO HURTS ME!’ naughty hairbrush implement of TORTURE AND DEATH.

No, the Aliens totally took it.

Wanna know why?

See, I have this theory. Mothers will agree with me; aliens all over the world are RIGHT NOW carrying out ‘Operation Hairbrush Removal’ from the bathrooms/bedrooms/toy boxes of sleep deprived women.

They plan to test our DNA and work out why we can cope with many nights of teething, puke, screaming, crying and NOT SLEEPING, when our hairier, stronger counterparts tend to fall apart a little bit. I think it is the sleep that gets the men in the end.

[I have to add, there are some men completely cut out for puke and sleepless nights and those men had better lock their hairbrushes up, because damn if those Aliens won’t want to test their DNA too]

The only other reason I can think of for an Alien abducting my hairbrush, is that said Alien is on a mission to make all women look like haystacks. That way, their husbands won’t want to have sex with them and then, when they move onto abducting people, they won’t complain half as much about the probing.

But that is just my theory.

What do you think?

Dear readers,

My name is Veronica and I have a problem.

It is only a small problem and you, dear reader are completely able to solve this problem for me.

See, I entered this competition with a post of mine.

Now, I need people to vote for me.

I entered last time Top School Fundraisers had a competition too, only I didn’t have any readers that I could beg for votes then.

So please, vote for me here?

Please? It is in a handy dandy little poll box and all you have to do is click next to my name.

Click.

Click.

I will be forever grateful and humble and you look so pretty today! Honest. And there will be love. Lots of love (in a good way, not an icky way, promise. Unless you like icky….)

[A return to my regular program is scheduled for this evening, feel free to return then if you don’t want to vote. Meanie]

I have been down lately.

Very down.

We didn’t try and conceive this month, despite me knowing when I was ovulating. We just, didn’t try. I am still grieving for the loss of hope a little.

However, not having the build up to my period will be nice. Knowing that I HAVE to stock up on tampons, rather than run out at 3am and silently curse the gods (and then curse Nathan when I realise that he no longer has a mobile phone and I can’t ring him to PICK ME UP SOME DAMN TAMPONS OR MY PMS? WILL KILL YOU AND I WON’T BE RESPONSIBLE).

Ahem.

However, I seem to have this small child who just won’t let me wallow.

See, I was all sad (again, lets just blame it on hormones and feeling grief for friends) about not trying this month and OMG a whole bunch of stuff and Amy climbed into my lap.

She started singing, ‘Mummeeeee holda babeeeeee, mummeeeeeee an babeeeeeee’ very softly as I hugged her.

Then she pulled my head down, so my cheek was against her forehead, and told me quite sternly when I tried to move ‘No! Mummeee hugss pleas.’

Then I died from the cute.

Then she does things like this –

She is OBVIOUSLY practising her regal look for when she marries a prince. Thankyou Nathan for taking this photo while I was out, getting a much needed sanity saving break. <3

This one is classic though. This was taken this evening. At 9.30pm. 1.5 hours AFTER I put Amy to bed.

Yes, those are indeed a pair of my underwear. Yes, she did indeed put them on herself. The pointing? She was asking to be placed back into bed, WHILE STILL WEARING THE UNDERWEAR.

No, I didn’t let her keep them on.

No, I have no idea why they were in her cupboard.

This afternoon when I had to resettle her, I discovered her wearing a size 000 bodysuit around her waist and 2 singlets on each leg. I think it is time I did some serious teaching of what clothes go where.

And how to put them away after you pull them out of the drawer.

I love my daughter.