Sleepless Nights

Month: August 2009

Got Nothing

I knew it was coming. It’s actually been creeping up one me slowly for the last 6 weeks or so, but I’ve been pushing through it. The kids need food and the floor needs vacuuming because honestly, while I can look the other way when Isaac eats a tissue (clean? dirty? ummmm, you tell me…) I can’t ignore him trying to chew his way through Amy’s left over cereal she spilled (it was dry cereal. So sue me) as he gnaws on the dogs leg and we all sneeze our way through the dust.

I’m crashing.

The pain in my hands is getting worse. I’ve been spending an awful lot of time wandering around clutching alternate wrists and rubbing them. Panadol has been disappearing like lollies as I just get through today.

Horizontal parenting has been my friend as I need to lay down right now. Isaac wiggles all over me while Amy jumps on the both of us and we all lay in front of the fire while I pray no one needs anything because standing up might make me pass out.

And today, I think I’m done.

My blood pressure has been so low that by the time I had the kids in bed, I fell onto the couch and told Nathan I was dying. Heh.

Now Nathan. I love him, but he can’t read my mind. Terrible flaw in a man if you ask me. I have to actually (GASP) tell him exactly what I need to make me feel better. So I flopped all over him with my feet higher than my head to prevent me passing out and requested the things I need to feel better.

A sandwich with the left over roast lamb. Lots of salt to get my blood pressure back up. And salad dressing because I wanted to pretend it was my go-to cure of cucumber, salt and vinegar.

A pillow to raise my feet until I stopped feeling like my head was just going to float away…

Oh and some panadol. And a cup of tea to wash them down.

Surprise surprise, if I give the man concise directions, he’s pretty awesome. I think I’ll keep him.

So crashing. Everything hurts and I can’t seem to hold a train of thought very long. Isaac has gotten incredibly heavy and omg Amy please don’t jump on me. I can’t catch you today.

Bleh.

I’m going to go and hide under my rock for a little bit.

Have some photos to tide you over.

On the upside, Amy pooed in the toilet for the first time ever. I’ve never been more pleased to see poo.

Photos of the kids next time. Lately they don’t sit still long enough for me to take any good ones and I don’t have the energy for chasing.

Oh and Mum is hosting a give-away. You should go and enter.

August 10, 2009
6 weeks.

I’ve been staring at this blank page all day, trying to think up something to write about. Playing the amusing moments with Amy over in my head and despairing of ever sleeping again with Isaac.

Amy is … challenging. She’s almost three. I expect it from her, pushing the boundaries and being consistently naughty to see if my reaction is the same each time. For the record, it is.

Isaac? Well he’s just not sleeping. I’m awake with him every hour or so overnight and then up for the day around 4-5am. By the time I get him back to sleep Amy is awake. I’m a little bit of a wreck.

I should be telling you a story.

I should be pulling out the funny bits from my day and stringing them together into something cohesive.

I should be writing.

Instead I’m stagnating. I can’t get the words to flow properly out of my fingertips.

I feel sad.

Very very sad.

Mum said it’s been 42 days.

Forty-two days.

Isn’t 42 the answer to life, the universe and everything?

42 days has not held any answers for me.

I’m still heartbroken.

***

When we moved into this house, Nan helped me pack everything. She came around with boxes and bags, brought morning tea and helped me pack the entire contents of my rental house. She played with Amy and helped move things. When she left that night, my sun room was full of boxes and we were ready to move.

When this house we bought was filthy, she came up with rags and cleaning supplies and helped Nathan and I [and Nat’s family] scrub this house top to bottom. Nan remembered things that we’d forgotten, like big gloves and a thermos full of hot coffee.

Nan was the only visitor I didn’t mind just dropping in. She didn’t care if the house was messy. She’d play with Amy while I tidied.

I miss her.

So much.

***

We walked this path together.

We three.

Mum, Nan and me.

We held hands.

We discussed details.

We held each other up,

With chocolate;

Coffee;

And cake.

We walked this path together.

Through the good news and the very worst news.

When there was nothing more that they could do.

We three. Together.

***

I’m all out of funny lately.

Oh I smile and I laugh. But I’m still so awfully sad.

This is not easy.

I feel broken.

August 4, 2009
Weekly Winners

I haven’t participated in a long time, mostly because I haven’t had any good photos. However, ta da!

See more Weekly Winners here.

August 2, 2009