Sleepless Nights

Author: Veronica

  • It Might Be Hormones…

    It might just be hormones, but lately anything that doesn’t go right makes me want to kill things (think Nathan looked at me funny, Amy broke ALL her egg cups, my site wouldn’t load, I can’t get wordpress to upgrade etc etc.) or cry. OR maybe it is the fact that no matter how much I sleep I still feel like sleeping (does exhaustion make you want to cry too?).

    Heh.

    I was looking forwards to the end of my first trimester; banking on increased energy and lack of nausea. The nausea seems to be easing (although I still feel a little off) but my energy levels? Are dropping fast. Apparently growing a whole other human being while looking after a toddler is more exhausting than I anticipated.

    I also have the problem that all food looks…. kinda gross. I can’t be bothered cooking for myself and when I do cook for everyone else, I can’t bring myself to eat it. Meat makes me want to retch, toast is okay sometimes and anything with fat just makes me nauseous.

    I can eat fruit (just not banana’s) and I can eat salad (as long as it has a vinegar based dressing). Vegies are out (*shudder*) except for very very small portions of roast potato.

    I guess the only thing I can think of is to juice my own fruit and live on it, but I don’t have a juicer. Milk is okay and I have been feeling like cereal (I think because of the milk factor), but I am feeling like I am not eating enough.

    I am definitely still losing weight too and that worries me. I know that if I lose weight I will end up sick again and I really don’t want that to happen.

    So I am asking for food tips. What foods can you eat when nothing else looks good? What foods worked for you when you were pregnant? What foods work when you are hung over?

    What can I eat that will add more calories and stuff to my diet without making me want to retch.

    Help!

  • Articulation

    I am an articulate person. You could almost say that I was wordy or that I talk too much.

    Lately though, I find myself having a very hard time articulating how I am feeling. I spend alot of time just wishing Nathan would think to ask how I was doing, but then when he does ask, I say ‘I’m okay’ and leave it at that.

    Seriously how is he meant to know that digging deeper might turn up other stuff? I am always fine and good and okay for everyone because that is the POLITE thing to be.

    In reality I am not fine all the time. Sometimes I am not okay. I don’t cope all the time; I’m not sleeping well and I keep having bad dreams.

    Not okay at all.

    But, the flip side is that I don’t think I am not not okay. I think I am doing alright, on a day to day basis. I am refusing to think about anything that might happen after the PET scan results are back (still no word on the dates).

    I just, don’t want to think about it right now. And doubtless when I have to think about it, I will spend all my time being matter of fact and simply dealing with the results.

    That’s how I cope.

    [We will pointedly ignore the fact that I spend a week coping and then a day where I fall to pieces badly. I figure as long as I can keep this up and time my falling to pieces to times when I have leisure to deal with it, then I will be okay]

    It’s hard though. It’s hard not to think of afterwards and the fallout. Hard not to plan Christmas when we don’t know how things will be.

    I have written and unwritten this post in various forms in the last fortnight. I think that outwardly I am coping so well, I don’t want my family to know that at times, I am finding this shit hard.

    I don’t want hugs and sympathy from them. I don’t want to have to think about it, or be held, or have to deal with people wondering how I am coping.

    I will cope until I can’t. Then I will cry until I can.

    And then I will cope again.

    That’s how it works.

    But don’t doubt me, this shit is hard.

  • Stereotyping

    I mentioned to Xbox that it had been freezing here lately and that there would likely be a frost in the morning. He seemed surprised and said that you don’t tend to think of Australia and cold in the same sentence.

    Now, what I want to know, is that true? Do people from other countries really assume that Australia is like a tourist pamphlet? You know, Bondi Beach and kangaroos hopping in front of setting suns?

    (I am not being nasty here, I am honestly curious of your impressions of Australia in general. The stereotype if you will)

    I think personally that America is too large to have a stereotype for me, but others might disagree.

    Canada, I always think of masses of snow and Ice Hockey (I had a Canadian teacher once who loved ice hockey and lived in a snowy area. Go figure).

    India –  I think of crowded streets, food vendors and not great living conditions.

    Britain – Rain. Dismal grey streets and buildings (I probably watch too much TV)

    …etc etc. Do you see what I mean though? Some places seem to carry stereotypes with them and I am honestly curious to know what stereotypes live in your heads.

    [Hopefully enough people from different countries decide to visit me today, or this post will need a fail sticker slapped on it]

    Fess up!

    Oh and just for Xbox, here are some photos of the [lack] of snow we got this morning. All the hills were covered, but unfortunately none settled for us.

  • Results

    I had a whole long post written in my head, but then Amy went to bed and my tiredness schwacked me in the head, so I will be brief.

    Biopsy showed that the tumour is definitely cancer. The tumour is covering all three of the major openings to Nan’s left lung, so surgery would require the whole lung to be removed.

    But, surgery is a possibility, depending entirely on the results of a PET scan. PET scans take about a fortnight to book into too (waiting list) and we will have to travel to Melbourne to get it done.

    Then, after we get THOSE results, treatment options can be discussed.

    The good news though? The cancer is a “squamous cell non-small cell lung cancer” which means that it is a slower growing cancer. (Name is provided for anyone wanting to google it or whatever. Also for Mum).

    So, I need everyone to pray that the nodules of possible cancer that the CT scan picked up are not in fact actual cancer. I need you to pray that the lymph nodes are not involved. I need you to pray that the pain Nan is feeling in her side is not the cancer moving to her bones.

    Okay? Because having the PET scan show that those things haven’t happened would be fantastic.

    And I need that right now.

  • Flooded

    I was going to write a post all about sleep and lack of it.

    Then disaster struck! AND…

    My blog flooded.

    It had fish and everything. Tell me, how did fish get into my blog?

    Then the flooding got worse.

    Now, I might be super-speedy mouse catching woman, BUT I am not a big fan of deep water and somehow leaving my blog to dry out was better than having to use scuba gear to write in.

    (Shuddup about how I am writing this. I can hold my breath or something like that)

    ****

    Tomorrow we get the results from Nan’s biopsy. Think good thoughts for us.

    And don’t drown as you leave a comment, okay? Drowning is bad.

    Flood via Netdiaster.com