Sleepless Nights

Author: Veronica

  • Schwacking and Nearly There

    Please ignore the fact that I am showing nothing but a tail and a bum, but this is my newest resident. Or it was.

    I caught this with MY HANDS in the house today.

    I was laying on the matress we had thrown into the middle of the loungeroom floor (it was cold, Amy was miserable and I was exhausted. Snuggling in the lounge all day sounded good) and I looked over towards the study.

    ZIP! went a brown flash. ZIP! it went again. I bounced up, parked myself in front of the zippy mouse so that it was stuck in the corner (it was hiding behind the steam mop) and yelled for Nathan to grab me a glass so I could catch it.

    Because CONTRARY to popular belief, I am actually quite soft hearted and have a hard time schwacking mice when I am presented with them.

    Nathan handed me the glass and went and grabbed a cat, just in case.

    I moved towards the mouse and the furry brown flash ZIPPED it’s way past me, into a pile of odd and ends. Nathan started lifting things and I held my trapper (the glass) ready.

    ZIP! ZOOM! ZREEECH!

    [It was a very fast mouse]

    The mouse zoomed past me AND….

    Got itself hidden underneath the green article of clothing you see pictured above.

    (Said green article is used to a) help keep my pants up and b) cover anything that might want to show when I have to unbutton my pants due to pregnancy.)

    I darted over to the hidden mouse, cupped my hands around it and picked it up. The mouse squirmed ALOT and I may have squealed a little bit.

    Nathan tried to rush me out of the door, as I frantically found the camera and snapped a photo. A cat was procured, the mouse’s tail was held (by me) and the mouse had a quick death.

    At least, that is what I like to think. Once the cat got hold of it, I didn’t bother trying to keep an eye on them. I just put the cat outside and ran around gloating that I was super speedy mouse catching woman!

    One down, who knows how many left to go. It’s going to be a long winter…

    And we are almost there. I am 11 weeks and 3 days today and so far so good. The spotting has been mostly stopped for a while (I still have the occasional bit of pinkness, but nothing much) and I am still feeling decidedly pregnant.

    Soon, very very soon, I will start watching for the end of the morning sickness and exhaustion. God knows I will be very happy to see the back of them.

    In the meantime, I will be paying alot of attention to my belly. I started feeling Amy move at about 12 and a half weeks (I blame my skinniness) and I am definitely ready for it again.

    Oh and I weighed myself the other day, I weighed 62kg (136lb) when I fell pregnant, when I weighed myself this time I was 57kg (125lb). Sigh. I suppose I will just have to hope that I manage to gain it back.

  • Stretched Thin

    My firewood was supposed to arrive today. So, I didn’t spend the day locking us in Amy’s room and sleeping, I didn’t spend the day playing in a warm bath with Amy, and I didn’t spend the day in my pajamas on the couch with a book.

    I would have much preferred to do those things, rather than waiting endlessly on a guy who never showed up.

    BEFORE the weekend he said, I’ll make sure I’m there he said.

    I say HAHAHAHFUCKINGHAHA.

    Next time I’m just gonna stay in my pj’s and bugger everyone else.

    I did however get things done today. Like the cooking for Nathan’s birthday lunch tomorrow (I could totally have done it in my pj’s). And Nathan cleaned up the trainwreck of a house and washed the dished while I dried.

    [Again, I could have stayed in my pj’s for that]

    I spent 2 hours trying to get Amy to nap, before giving up and letting her get back up. I didn’t let her pour salt all over the kitchen floor, but she did it anyway.

    I wouldn’t have let her fingerpaint with guacamole had she given me a choice. Unfortunately when you are 22 months Mummy’s wants and needs are very unrealistic.

    [Leave your nappy on. Do not stick that in your vagina. Don’t feed the dog your lunch when you are still hungry. DO NOT empty my kitchen drawers onto the floor. Stop shaking your drink all over the floor. GET YOUR BLOODY FINGERS OUT FROM MY CHOPPING BLOCK WHILE I AM CHOPPING THINGS.]

    And to add to the stress, Nan had her bronchoscopy today. Thankfully the doctor was able to take a sample of the primary tumour for testing. This means that Wednesday when we see the doctor we will know what we are dealing with.

    We will hopefully know what type of cancer it is and how fast it is likely to move without treatment. Nan will hopefully be able to discuss a treatment plan.

    We will know more than we do now.

    Knowledge is power and all that.

    I feel stretched thin.

  • Dummies are the Spawn of Satan.

    So the dummy weaning. Not going so well.

    I don’t mean that she is still using one, no, not that at all. She hasn’t had a dummy since I decided that she was going to give them up right! now!

    What I mean is that the SLEEPING that accompanied the dummy use is not going so well. Actually scratch that. The sleeping that accompanied the dummy use has become non existent.

    Naps? HAHAHAHA

    Overnight sleeping? HAHAHAH FUCKING HA.

    Sleeping for any amount of time at all so I can sleep to? Yeah well, if you got any sleep last night then I want to throw my shoes at you.

    Hmmmph.

    So, lets go over a regular day (today) here at Sleepless Nights (see? SEE why I didn’t rename my blog the week she actually slept through the night? It would have been a STUPID idea).

    12pm – Nap time. I have been hanging for nap time since we woke up this morning. I want a nap, I NEED a nap. I change Amy’s nappy, make sure her trackpants are comfy and put her into bed. She has a drink, her dog and duck, her soft blanket and a kiss.

    12.01 – Screaming at doorway (it’s gated with a convoluted assortment of crap designed to make it impossible to climb. For me as well). I clamber over all the crap and resettle. I leave.

    12.02 – Repeat.

    12.03 – Repeat.

    Repeat every minute until 12.45 when the bedroom goes silent. Hope like hell she is asleep and retire to the couch with a doona and pillow. I just start to doze off when a little voice calls from the hallway ‘Mummy! Ewwww, POO!’

    12.50 – Change a pooey nappy, remake bed, resettle, kiss and leave.

    12.50 and 5 seconds – Cue screaming.

    Over the next 40 minutes, I climbed in and out of her bedroom lots. Like fucking LOTS. No sign of sleepiness, no sign of settling.

    [I was so tired, my head might have exploded right about here]

    1.30 – Give up, climb into her room, cuddle toddler, curl up in her bed with her and try to fall asleep together.

    1.31 – Remove toddlers fingers from nose. My nose, not hers. I wouldn’t have had an issue if she was picking her OWN nose.

    Repeat for AN HOUR.

    There was no sleep forthcoming for me, and Amy seemed quite content to never sleep again.

    At 2.45, you *may* have been able to find me threatening to do horrible things to Nathan’s sleeping body if he didn’t wake the fuck up and help me out here. He woke up.

    After an afternoon of stress, a few inconsequential arguments (‘Put the cat down! AMY PUT THE CAT DOWN! SEVEN, STOP TRYING TO EAT THE CAT! AMY, PUT THE CAT DOWN NOW! SEVEN! PUSS! AMY! ARGHHHHHHH’) and some food, it was bedtime.

    Bedtime wasn’t quite so stressful. It only took an hour and 10 clambers in and out before she finally settled and fell asleep (at least, I am hoping she is asleep, it’s pretty quiet in there).

    However, the last few nights, she only managed to stay in her own bed until about midnight, after having her scream for 20 minutes I would just give up and take her into bed with me.

    Hell, it’s the middle of winter here and if I am going to be awake for hours with a bouncy toddler, by GOD I am going to do it from the warmth of my own bed. Path of least resistance and all that.

    Have you tried sleeping with your toddler lately? They are poky and bony and they kick! Seriously, what is with the need to kick me in the bladder hundreds of times!

    AND, since I weaned Amy off the breast, she seems to feel the need to assure herself that my boobs are still there. I am spending a lot of the night with a sleeping toddler twiddling my nipple. I don’t even know if she knows she is doing it, but whenever she wakes up, she shoves her ice cold hands down my top mumbling ‘boobies…’

    I am so freaking tired I feel sick. Please don’t tell me that naps are going to disappear forever, because I don’t think I could handle that right now.

    Am off to sleep now, g’ni…zzzzzzzzzz….

  • A Mismatched Post and a Confession

    It’s Nathan’s birthday today, he turned 26. We had a small spread for dinner (dip, baguettes, cake) and we will be having his family come up Saturday to celebrate properly with yummy food and company.

    Happy Birthday sweetheart, I love you.

    *******

    Amy’s dummy weaning is going fantastically of a day (she never did have a dummy much of a daytime anyway), sort of okay at bedtime (screaming, crying, wailing, lots of anger) and fucking shithouse over night (3am inconsolable. World is ending for hours on end).

    Tomorrow will be better.

    *******

    I have been feeling faint and dizzy and just generally unwell. I still have morning sickness, but it seems unrelated to that. I haven’t been able to eat anything other than salad lately so I don ‘t think I have been getting enough iron. Anyone know anything about anaemia in pregnancy? I will be asking my doctor about it sometime this week, as well as getting him to run blood tests.

    Needless to say it makes standing up for more than 2 minutes at a time very unpleasant.

    *******

    And the big news. The thing I haven’t been able to blog about yet.

    My Nan was diagnosed with Lung Cancer last week, despite never smoking a cigarette in her life. We are still going through the testing phase to find out what type of cancer it is.

    She has a biopsy done on Friday and then we will get the results of that biopsy on Wednesday 9th July. Hopefully from there we will know what we are dealing with exactly and what kind of treatment is available.

    From what the CT scan seemed to show, she has a primary tumour 2.5cmx3cm in her left lung and then lots of small ‘nodules’ of cancer spread through both lungs. However, the specialist did say that CT scans aren’t the best thing for showing everything possible.

    It kind of feels like we have been kicked in the teeth.

    So, if I miss a few days posting, or don’t comment on you for a while, this is why. I only have so much energy and some days I need it all to keep myself together and functioning.

    I’m trying to keep it together and so is Mum. Head over and see her too okay?

  • Dear Nathan…

    Dear Nathan,

    Thankyou for taking every second turn settling Amy this afternoon for her nap. I know that she still isn’t asleep, but hopefully with both of us working on her she will go down soon.

    Thankyou for not undermining me when I decided that today Amy stops having dummies full stop. I am sick of her being so attached to it, and her talking is getting a little bit lazy because of this.

    I know it’s hard for you when you have to re-settle her and she is asking ‘dummy please? Please?’ and you have to tell her no. I think I am more relaxed because I have already weaned her from breastfeeds over night (by myself) and then from breastfeeding full stop. God knows it’s much pleasanter when I have you here to take turns.

    Thankyou for taking extra turns when my body suddenly decided that while I might have been feeling too sick to eat all morning, the fact that I hadn’t eaten meant that it was going to stop working so well for me. Thankyou for settling her while I forced down some fruit and waited to stop feeling dizzy and nauseous.

    She’s getting closer to being settled now, I haven’t looked in there for a bit so I hope she hasn’t found a stray dummy. I know that it has been nearly 2 hours of wailing and crying, but she is so close to being worn out, she should be asleep soon.

    God, I hope she goes to sleep soon.

    Thankyou for being supportive this week while there has been stuff going on. I know that you are hurting just as badly as I am, you just don’t show it. We will get through it together and hopefully it won’t be as bad as we anticipate.

    You’re starting to accept the fact that I am pregnant a little more readily now. I think you were aloof in the beginning because I had had the bleeding and as far as I can tell, you didn’t want to get attached if it wasn’t going to work out. However we have seen a heartbeat now and my stomach is poking out more and more and you are more willing to talk about it.

    Not to mention we tried for so long to get here, it’s hard to hope that it will all be fine.

    The noise from the bedroom is lessening, we have gone from crying/wailing/screaming to talking and singing, and now to finally the occasional loud sigh. I think we might be getting there.

    I know I don’t blog about you much and I think you prefer it that way, but it seems that sometimes people forget that when I am whinging about a bad time getting Amy down, or numerous poos in a row, that you are here doing this with me. I might be a stay at home mum, but I am not alone in this and that means the world to me.

    I find it funny that the other night when I went out (family dinner) I was asked often where Amy was. When I replied she is with her father, I then get asked if we were still together. Do you think alot of people equate young mothers with single mothers? I don’t think they realised that you were older and very much ready to settle down when I fell pregnant.

    And so was I. That is why this worked for us.

    There is no one I would rather be doing this with. I love you oh so much.

    Veronica