Author: Veronica

The hospital insanity has started and continues to worsen. Knowing that something is best for your child and not wanting to kick things when it happens – those are two different things.

Evelyn and I are in hospital for another night, even though her jaundice levels are below the line for phototherapy. The reasons for this are completely sensible – they don’t want to send her home today, only to have her rebound and require time in special care next week without me. Logically, this makes lots of sense and it’s the decision I was expecting to be made when her bilirubin levels came back this morning.

Knowing that it’s logical doesn’t stop me wanting to cry however. Hospital is such an unreal environment and my mental state is suffering a bit. Add in hormones and I’m on shaky ground a bit.

Of course, this will all improve when we get to go home tomorrow, bringing Evelyn back in on Monday for a repeat blood test, while praying that everything is improving, not worsening.

Her poo has gone a lovely black/green colour, which I can only hope is all of the toxins leaving her system as fast as they can.

On the upside, she is feeding amazingly well and not needing bottle top ups.

Basically, it’s all good news, I’m just insane and hormonal. Also eminently thankful that I have the tablet, my kindle has books on it and my phone has music.

Oh! And even better news? Today’s weigh in shows that Evelyn gained weight. Only a tiny amount, but can we all give a cheer for my super milk producing breasts?

Now I’m going to hunt down the tissues and have a cry.

We were hoping to take Evelyn home today after her discharge from NICU yesterday. Unfortunately, while her bilirubin levels are below the cut off line, they have increased overnight, in quite a big jump.

This means that we could take her home tonight and then bring her back tomorrow – knowing that she would likely need phototherapy and a few days in NICU, or, we can re-admit her today to spend 24 hours wrapped in a biliblanket.

Luckily, the family room is available, so I will be spending another day in hospital here with Evelyn, hoping that she is improved by tomorrow.

The bonuses of this are that I shouldn’t have to use the hand pump that the hospital loaned me to express once I get home (the ever gorgeous Kate has posted me an electric pump and I am so grateful I will kiss her the next time I see her) and that I will have my own room for a little bit, with Evelyn rooming in and hanging out in her cool blue light blanket.

She’s still feeding really well, better in fact than when she was still in NICU, and is latching perfectly. Her weight loss has been minimal (30g in the last 2 days, but she did wee everywhere shortly before her weigh in) and she is waking herself for feeds.

All very good signs.

Edited to clear up confusion! The hospital has awesome electric pumps, I was talking about the hand pump they’d loaned me to take home, while I waited for Kate’s in the mail.

Hey Internet, guess who was discharged from NICU at lunchtime?

We’re both on the ward for another day, but if Evelyn’s billirubin levels are still below the line tomorrow morning, then we’ll be discharged together.

I’m having to give extra top-ups after feeds still, to make sure she’s getting the calories she needs, but luckily I am producing so much milk that it isn’t an issue. Now to stock up on pigeon bottles and teats!

I think a few of the nurses would have preferred that Evelyn was entirely breastfed with no bottle, but frankly, I’m doing whatever needs to be done here. If that means top ups with a bottle, then that’s exactly what I’ll do.

In the meantime, I didn’t realise how stressed I was until some of it eased.

Now if you can all pray for low billirubin levels, I would be incredibly grateful.

Yesterday I saw the social workers, who suggested that I may be able to spend a bit of time in the NICU family room in order to avoid going home yet. We live far enough away from the hospital that I qualify for extra help re boarding and travelling. However, from eavesdropping on the nurses in NICU it sounds like there is another family in the room.

Which, fine, there’s one room and an awful lot of families – but I don’t want to leave her yet.

Everything is back up in the air now until I can see the social workers again later today to find out what can be arranged. Insert sick feeling here.

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They weighed Evelyn last night and her grand total post birth weight loss is a mere 95g. I am so very impressed with that, considering Isaac lost nearly 300g and Amy lost around 280g – despite neither of them having feeding issues.

On today’s agenda is discussing the possibility of moving her to a pigeon bottle for her top up feeds, rather than an NG tube. Of course we need to be guided by Evelyn in this, and how strong she is. I’m hoping that she’s strong enough, but we’ll see. She’s still waking herself at feed time and breastfeeding well, so I am cautiously optimistic; however if NICU has taught me anything, it’s how fast things change and how you can’t rely on anything.

As far as I know her jaundice has cleared up – they took her off the biliblanket last night at 6pm – but we’re waiting for this mornings bloods to come back and tell us how her levels look. They were treating her conservatively, working on the basis that she was 34 weeks at birth – even though she still continues to act closer to 36 weeks, according to everyone who actually knows anything about Prem babies.

For me, I’m doing okay this morning. Let’s see how the day goes.

You’d think that I would be well prepared for the day three hormone drop, considering that I’ve done this twice before. You’d be wrong of course and despite Evelyn having a great night, I am finding myself miserable.

I am homesick, I miss Amy and Isaac desperately and I just want the doctors to decide that I am capable enough of feeding my own child, and let her go. Once the jaundice clears up of course – my breasts may be pretty awesome, but they can’t make the jaundice disappear magically.

Speaking of feeding and milk, which I’m not sure we were, but we are now – I expressed 50ml of milk this morning. Can I get a cheer here please? This was on top of her having a good feed.

I’m sitting here next to her in Special Care, watching her suck on a dummy and relax inside a bili-blanket. She looks decidedly happier than I am and who can blame her?

She is maintaining her body temperatures and I’ve just heard that her billirubin levels have dropped enough for her to come off the lights (three cheers for the clever baby!).

Now we just wait for the doctors and walk the fine line between normalising her breastfeeding without tube feeds and pushing her too hard. I hope we can walk it effectively and that the doctors listen. I’ve managed to score another night in Maternity, so wish us luck with getting Evelyn out of NICU and back with me.