That’s the problem with social networks. They don’t know when someone is dead.
It would have been her 67th birthday today. We would have wrapped our Easter celebrations into a birthday celebration as well, and it all would have gone smoothly.
Instead, it’s been almost three years since she died and there is so much she has missed. How is it fair, to have someone you love, miss some of the biggest milestones in your life?
April 2009, we were moving through the cancer haze. A mess of appointments and treatment and long conversations in cafes. Of learning to read a CT scan report so that the doctors couldn’t gloss over the worst details. Of knowing, in depth, what metastasize meant in a real way, rather than an academic kind of way. Dropping cake crumbs on my new baby’s head, as he was carried to and fro with us.
It’s never pleasant to walk the path with someone dying, and yet, we were honoured to be able to do it.
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Winter is coming.
It sounds trite and ripped from Game of Thrones – and you’re right. It is.
But it’s also how this time of year feels. April heralds the beginning of the dark months, as we move through birthdays and anniversaries. I could read back through my blog and find out what appointments we were attending three years ago, but I don’t want to.
April moves into May, which moves into June – the darkest of the months.
Cancer moved from her lungs, to her lymph nodes, to her bones.
Life moved on to death.
That is how this time of year works.
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Death leaves a hole in your life that is unfillable. It will scab over and eventually scar, but you will always miss them. Sometimes with a deep ache, sometimes with a smile.
And sometimes, with piercing pain.
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Happy Birthday Nan.
I’m sorry you’re not here to watch my children grow up and life continue on – I think you’d be amused at how similar Amy is to Mum.
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