Gotta Laugh

Oh yes, it was BRILLIANT, right up until we had a bit of a breeze and some rain.

I woke up this morning, to find it collapsed and half the joins broken. No matter I thought, DUCT TAPE. It fixes everything.

I hassled Nathan until he got out of bed to help me and in the middle of a rainstorm, with the wind trying to blow us away, we put it back together. Of course, then the sun came out and defrosted our frozen fingertips and ears.

We pinned it down better than before and went away.

An hour later, it sailed merrily across my paddock, dropping poles and joins all the way.

This time, it was pretty broken.

Some people might have called it fucked, but not me.

No, I am more determined than intelligent.

Through the waist high grass I dragged its various bits and pieces back to the small enclosed yard.

Wind safe! I thought. Protected! I thought. Easy to access!

Haaaaaaaaaaa. Cough.

Amidst a lot of swearing, Nathan and I put it back together. We only had to traipse back out to the paddock to look for missing pieces half a dozen times or so.

An entire roll of duct tape and an awful lot of cursing later, it was back upright and mostly okay. We pinned it down, even better this time and went inside.

It will be fine I thought. It’s protected from the wind on all sides! The weather isn’t even hitting it.

I kept thinking that, right up until the wind grabbed it and tried to steal it.

Again.

Racing outside in bare feet, I grabbed it and held it down, while the wind gusts passed.

And then we tied the fucking thing to the fence on one side and star pickets on the other side. I’d like to see it try to run away now.

On the upside, the temperature inside must be sitting somewhere near 38C – a far cry from the 10C it actually is outside.

As soon as I can find the energy to bring the watermelons and honeydew seedlings over from the big garden, I’ll pot them up. Again.

I’m sure they’ll be grateful.

UPDATED:

Photos. Because Kristin asked me for them.

I tied it to the fence. Front and back. If it goes, it takes the fence with it. Please don’t let that happen.

A bamboo stake promotes “stability”.

More “stability” and lots of duct tape. And some grass.

And now, two different dramatic representations of how it looked when I found it blown away.

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I bought some shapewear. Otherwise known as spandex, tiny little figure squashing things that are infinitely tiny, or holy-mother-of-god-get-these-off-me.

Take your pick.

I’d thought about buying some for a while, but the whole ‘drop 2 dress sizes! look slimmer!’ thing turned me off. You see, as much as I’ve had 2 children and my tummy/hips/thighs look it – you can’t much see that under my clothes. I look okay, dressed.

My issues is with my dislocating hips, knees and pelvis.

So when I saw something advertised as being cellulite taming [which – aside, how do we tame cellulite? with a whip and a chair? train it to hang around on our boobs, not our tummy? I’m a little lost] I glanced at it.

I was however more interested when I saw that this New! Revolutionary! material covered my kneecaps and entire hip region.

Fuck it I thought and bought them.

The first time squeezing into them, I wondered if they’d accidentally sent me an Amy sized pair instead. A quick look at the label told me I was wrong.

I wriggled and I squeezed and I hopped around the bathroom swearing.

All that effort, and they made it half way up my thighs.

Amy looked at me quizzically.

‘Mummy. They won’t fit you.’

‘Yes. They will.’ [struggle struggle, hop, wiggle moan]

Something that I’d bought to help stop my hips dislocating was rapidly in danger of dislocating the rest of me, getting it on.

‘They just need to‘ – pant pant, breathe, sigh –‘stretch!’

Eventually, a few clicky finger joints later, I had them all lined up. The crotch was sitting where it’s meant to, the band at the top was cutting off my breathing and eating ability and I felt like I was being cradled in the grip of a killer bear, about to squash the life out of me.

They were on.

I turned around a few times and wriggled.

Yeah. Totally sexy.

Then, the ultimate test.

Not like some people, I didn’t need to be able to fit into a certain dress and whilst my cellulite was definitely tamed, so was my ego – no. I needed to be able to walk without my hip clicking out of joint and subluxing about.

And….

Success!

I can walk without my pelvis falling apart! Sure, breathing is a little tricky and it feels like I’m wearing a second skin that is 2 sizes smaller than my normal one – but my hips are staying in place.

And that my friends is definitely something to celebrate.

I just don’t know how I’m going to go taking the bastard cellulite taming things back off again.

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Cocktails at Naptime

by Veronica on October 10, 2010

in Blogging, Gotta Laugh

Emma from Mommy has a Headache was one of the very first blogs I ever read, and she was one of my first commenters. So when I heard she’d written a book with Gillian and was looking for reviewers, I waved my hands wildly in the air (okay, I might have emailed her) and asked for a copy.

And?

It’s brilliant. The best parenting book I’ve ever read. I was giggling before I’d even finished the first chapter.

They declare it to be a ‘woefully inadequate guide to early motherhood’ and they’re right, insomuch as NOTHING can actually prepare you for childbirth and the sudden responsibility of a baby. They send you home without an instruction manual for gods sake. How are we meant to know how to stop the kid screaming?

Some things hit home – like ‘was a student midwife having a go at sewing you up afterwards?’ because um, YES. My vagina was not right for years after that. It wasn’t a student midwife, but a student ob/gyn who while she wasn’t doing her first set of stitches, was doing her first episiotomy. Add in my tendency to skin tearing and she pulled those stitches out three times before she finally gave up with a ‘that will do, sigh’. I mean, c’mon!

It answers questions you weren’t even game to speak aloud, like ‘will I ever have sex again?’ and ‘will I ever WANT to have sex again?’ as well as telling you how to avoid early onset ‘mumitis’ (when you turn into your mother.) Sadly, the mumitis information comes too late for me, as my garden and rapidly growing menagerie catapult me firmly into Mum territory. Of course, I’d argue that I’m merely being creative with my money, but no matter.

It’s definitely the book you want to be reading if you’re a real mum: aka, not a celeb mum. It includes a handy exercise guide (weight lifting! your baby will only get heavier and will want to be thrown in the air. Ski training! Someone has spilled yogurt all over the floor and you need to clean it up, without falling in it) and a guide on how to make mum friends (don’t try to bribe them).

Cocktails at Naptime is the perfect book for new mothers because we all need to laugh about how messed up our vagina is after pushing a 3.kg blob through it.

For more info about Cocktails at Naptime, check out the website, with links to where you can buy a copy and info on the authors. OR you can do what I do and check out their blog. Every book needs a blog of it’s own.

AND! If you’d like to win a copy of your very own, then leave me a comment and let me know your funniest/stupidest/worst parenting moment. The winner will be selected via Random.org.

Annnd, the winner is!

Kim! I’ll email you Kim.

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My office, let me show you it.

by Veronica on September 11, 2010

in Gotta Laugh

Continuing on my theme, let’s have a sticky beak at my office.

Okay, so office is a little bit deceptive. It’s actually the dining room, where I’ve got my desk and bookshelves on the opposite side to the dining table. It’s all open plan, so from where I sit at my computer, I can see the loungeroom and kitchen. This doesn’t prevent Amy getting into mischief while I work however.

My desk – with wordpress open on the screen, I wasn’t *meant* to overexpose it. You can see how messy it is, all the bills end up here, along with books and other bits and pieces. The house is always clean, but it’s cluttered and untidy. Maybe because it’s a home with people living in it, not a show home. Tissues sitting on my speaker because when the kids run around, I start sneezing. A webcam/mic for Skype, books on top of my computer tower [Elizabeth Knox: The Invisible Road, A Field Guide to the Birds of Australia, and Isabel Allende: My Remembered Country, there is also I Am Ozzy hidden next to my computer tower] and my notebook next to my keyboard.

Further over we have the rest of the first bookshelf, another tall one from Nan’s house and a TV without a set top box, that Isaac uses to climb on and pull all the books out of the shelves. FUN.

Behind me we have MORE bookshelves! (surprised yet? there is also another one in Isaac’s bedroom, full to the brim). Missing are my Robin Hobb books (see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo leaning over dangerously?) because they’re at Mums. Isaac has also been at work pulling out books from the bottom right.

The dining room is falling apart a little. This is the room that had the indoor pond and we’ve not concreted the floor yet. The walls are warped. Quite warped.

The long term plan is to concrete the floor and put up plaster on the walls so we can repaint. It might take a while while we get the money together though. Why do things always come down to money and how difficult it is to work around a 4yo and a 19mth old?

Sigh.

Until then, I’m fairly happy. Simply having a DESK is a step up, up until a few months ago, I did all my work on my lap, on a rather slow laptop.

Ahhh, those were the days.

Nowadays, I even have a heater, right next to me. Luxury, right?

So there. A little peek into my hideously messy office. Hehe.

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White poached chicken. Recipe here.

In another life, I worked in a commercial kitchen. I might even have mentioned it a time, or ten.

However, kitchen work taught me an awful lot of things, the least of which is that the amount of energy that goes into getting your meal on your table at a restaurant is astronomical.

For example, a  brie cheese and herb stuffed chicken breast, with sundried tomato reduction sauce, chat potatoes and baby vegetables.

A popular dish in the kitchen.

So, a few days before you order your meal, I am chopping enough herbs to see us through the next 3 days of prep, generally 500g of each herb, parsley, dill, rosemary, mint and thyme. I have 40 chicken breasts defrosting in water in the kitchen sink and I am prepping vegetables. This included turning 10kg of carrots into batons, 10 broccoli and 10 cauliflower into florets, top and tailing 5kg of snow peas, peeling 10kgs of potatoes and putting them on to parboil whole, before chopping them into a dice, slicing 7-8 large zucchinis and then blanching the lot, before refrigerating everything.

You see, nothing in a commercial kitchen is done small scale, so while the chicken breast and vegetables is not a hard dish to prepare by any means, it is all done in bulk ahead of time, sometimes up to a week ahead. Prepped vegies were used for most meals, so we prepped the above amounts every 3-4 days.

Once the vegies are done, I’m hopeful that the chicken breasts will have defrosted enough to work with. A quick poke in the icy water lets me know I’m good to go, so I start to set up, stalling on needing to julliene a 20 litre bucket of stirfry mix.

First is the bain marie tray I’ll set the chicken in so I can fridge it afterwards. Then the cling wrap, catering size, set at the top of my chopping board. Then comes the brie – I need to cut 40 pieces of brie from the wheel and maybe an extra bit to nibble on. What? It’s a perk.

I set the plastic container of herbs up next to me, with the brie laid out on another piece of clingwrap, spaced out so they don’t stick together. I work fast, moving backwards and forwards, doing 3 things at once. Somewhere, in a trip to the coolroom, I’ve dumped the semi-defrosted chicken into a colander and set it above a bucket to drain while I finish prepping. I beg the apprentice to sharpen my knife because I’m not fantastic at that yet.

Once I start, I need to hit a rhythym, as fast as I can.

Pull out a sheet of clingwrap. Grab a chicken breast and in one motion, remove the tenderloin and any excess fat. Throw the tenderloin into a spare container, slice through the chicken breast to create an internal pocket, dip a piece of brie into the herbs and shove it into the cavity. Then slice the clingwrap off, wrap the breast and pop it into the metal bain marie container.

Repeat. Forty times.

Then scrub your hands, scrub your chopping block and knife, throw any remaining herbs out (chicken blood, cross contamination issues) and put everything in the fridge, well covered.

That’s the chicken done for the next few days service.

When an order comes in for chicken that that week, I don’t cook it. I’m on cold larder/desserts/dishes/general runner (depending on the night and whether the other kitchen hand is working), but I do run to the coolroom and grab the preprepared chicken from the fridge, in between doing everything else I’m doing – which sometimes, depending on the day, would be scrubbing walls with a scourer. Yay.

A chef grabs a handful of cooked diced potato from the bucket and sets it aside, ready to deepfry. The chicken probably takes the longest to cook of any meal, except well done steak because you can’t precook chicken (unlike the roast meals and various other things). The chicken is panfried to crisp the skin, before being thrown into the oven, still in the pan for 30 minutes.

A minute before it comes out of the oven, a chef drops the chat potatoes into the deep fryer, the serve of vegetables into the boiling water to reheat them and mixes a few tablespoons of pureed sundried tomatoes with some cream in a saucepan. All this while the chef is making another 4-5 dishes at once.

The chicken comes out of the oven, is sliced in half, set on the chat potatoes and the sauce poured over. The vegies are salted, buttered and put on the plate too, parsley is sprinkled and the plate is sent.

The customer, usually, appreciates how much work has gone into the dish, they enjoy it, they pay and they leave.

Let’s now look at cooking for children.

With children, the amount of effort I put into a meal directly corrolates to how much is eaten.

If I spend the morning prepping and then spend 2 hours cooking and bringing the meal together, you can guarantee that they won’t eat a mouthful. They’ll hate it, or be too tired, or too hyper, or SOMETHING.

They won’t eat it.

If however, I make a quick tomato sauce, pour it over pasta and serve it with grated cheese, they’ll whinge that there isn’t enough.

While family cooking means that there is always less work to be done than in a commercial kitchen, I sort of miss the satisfied feeling of seeing an empty plate come back and a quick report from the waitress on how much they enjoyed it. Not to mention missing getting to play with food for a living.

Cooking for children is definitely harder than cooking for a restaurant. Trust me.

However, commercial kitchens are more stressful. Give me a screaming baby over a screaming chef any day. At least I have a chance that the baby is screaming because it can, and not because I fucked up.

What would you prefer? Cooking in a restaurant for appreciative customers, or feeding your children day in, day out?

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