Headfuck

6 weeks.

by Veronica on August 4, 2009

in Headfuck

I’ve been staring at this blank page all day, trying to think up something to write about. Playing the amusing moments with Amy over in my head and despairing of ever sleeping again with Isaac.

Amy is … challenging. She’s almost three. I expect it from her, pushing the boundaries and being consistently naughty to see if my reaction is the same each time. For the record, it is.

Isaac? Well he’s just not sleeping. I’m awake with him every hour or so overnight and then up for the day around 4-5am. By the time I get him back to sleep Amy is awake. I’m a little bit of a wreck.

I should be telling you a story.

I should be pulling out the funny bits from my day and stringing them together into something cohesive.

I should be writing.

Instead I’m stagnating. I can’t get the words to flow properly out of my fingertips.

I feel sad.

Very very sad.

Mum said it’s been 42 days.

Forty-two days.

Isn’t 42 the answer to life, the universe and everything?

42 days has not held any answers for me.

I’m still heartbroken.

***

When we moved into this house, Nan helped me pack everything. She came around with boxes and bags, brought morning tea and helped me pack the entire contents of my rental house. She played with Amy and helped move things. When she left that night, my sun room was full of boxes and we were ready to move.

When this house we bought was filthy, she came up with rags and cleaning supplies and helped Nathan and I [and Nat’s family] scrub this house top to bottom. Nan remembered things that we’d forgotten, like big gloves and a thermos full of hot coffee.

Nan was the only visitor I didn’t mind just dropping in. She didn’t care if the house was messy. She’d play with Amy while I tidied.

I miss her.

So much.

***

We walked this path together.

We three.

Mum, Nan and me.

We held hands.

We discussed details.

We held each other up,

With chocolate;

Coffee;

And cake.

We walked this path together.

Through the good news and the very worst news.

When there was nothing more that they could do.

We three. Together.

***

I’m all out of funny lately.

Oh I smile and I laugh. But I’m still so awfully sad.

This is not easy.

I feel broken.

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Heartbroken.

by Veronica on July 24, 2009

in Headfuck

We called into Nan’s house today to pick up some things I had left behind when I was living there.

Coat hangers.

Some books.

My leaver’s dinner dress.

As we pulled into the driveway and parked, Amy looked at me happily.

‘YAY! YAY! MyNanny is not died! We go visit!’

I looked at her, with tears in my eyes.

‘I’m sorry sweetheart. MyNanny did die. We’re all still very sad.’

‘Oh.’ She said and went quiet.

She didn’t ask to come inside. She didn’t ask where MyNanny was.

(MyNanny was Amy’s name for Nan. Nan was chuffed, she was the only Nanny with a special name)

For the first fortnight after Nan died, Amy told us that MyNanny is in St Johns. We corrected her, saying that MyNanny died and we were all very sad.

She doesn’t mention St Johns anymore. Today was the first time she had mentioned anything about dying.

I know that it’s turning around in her brain as she makes sense of what died and dead mean. I know that we’ll probably be having plenty of conversations about Nan in the future, as Amy works it out.

It doesn’t make me any less heartbroken though to have to tell my baby girl that her Nanny is not going to come back. I cry every time I think of the joy on Amy’s face when she thought we were going to visit Nan. I cry that Amy went silent so fast and that she understood in her own way.

I cried a lot this afternoon.

Amy and Nan

It’s been a month.

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Sleep and Toys

by Veronica on July 20, 2009

in Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Headfuck

Things Isaac did just do:

Blew raspberries on my boob.

Got all excited and tried to eat my chin.

Smiled and goo’ed.

Things Isaac did not just do.

Feed.

Sleep.

It’s past 11pm. How is your day going?

***

I cleaned out my toy cupboard today. It’s looking a little … sad. Three toys that vibrate and one of those I won’t use for anything other than shoulder and back massage. (Why? THIS is why.)

Do you think if I asked nicely Eden Fantasys would send me some more stuff to review? Cos you know, I wouldn’t mind. Would you?

***

Isaac’s seizure, blah blah blah. I’m done researching. There is scary scary shit out there that causes seizures in babies with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and I just don’t want to think about it anymore. LALALALALALA.

Fuck you research.

I’m waiting on a phone call with a date to have Isaac suffer through an EEG.

Until then, you know as much as I do.

He hasn’t had another one, so that’s one good thing.

***

Panic attacks.

How normal are they?

Because damn if I’m not having to remind myself to breathe as everything closes in on me and my heart races and oh my fucking GOD.

I’m sick of them.

They’re grief fueled, but still. They can go away now.

***

My baby is still not sleeping and YES, I KNOW I haven’t had anything decent to say lately. But, you know.

How are you?

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Well now

by Veronica on July 18, 2009

in Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, Headfuck

A few of you already know this, but Isaac had a seizure on Thursday. Just a little one, but a seizure nonetheless.

He had been refusing to nap and finally (FINALLY!) I got him to feed properly and he fell asleep at my breast. A few moments later, he started to shake. Badly. His head went from side to side and his body started to flail.

I thought, this isn’t normal. This is not just him dreaming, holy shit, Isaac!

I stayed very calm. I cuddled him and 40 seconds later he was coming out of it. His eyes opened and he looked at me, but he was still dazed. He snuggled back down, fell asleep for another 2-3 minutes and then woke up, bright as a button and happy as he could be.

Or you know, as happy as a napless baby with only 5 minutes of sleep under his belt could be.

SO.

Yesterday, I rang our doctor to ask for an appointment. On discovering why I wanted an appointment (‘My 6 month old BABY had a SEIZURE and I want to see someone TODAY PLEASE’) they requested that I head down to emergency with him to be seen by a Paediatrician.

Insert big sigh here.

I KNOW he needed to see a Paed, but sitting down at emergency all day wasn’t going to be fun.

And it turns out, I was right. It actually kinda sucked. We sat there all day. ALLLLL DAY.

Eventually, after Isaac gave a urine sample (Yay Nathan on the catch of a lifetime! And on Mum for spotting it starting. Me? I was taking a break from the penis watch) and they looked at him and listened to him, and hours later they sent us home.

Isaac was pronounced ‘Much too well to come up to the Paeds Ward and potentially catch everything going around up there. However…’

However.

They want to see him as an outpatient in the next few days for an EEG to test for epilepsy or any other seizure causing things. Then they want to see him in the Paeds clinic for a follow up. With the family history of epilepsy (Nathan’s mum has epilepsy) and the family history of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which can have seizure like ‘episodes‘ as a symptom, they’re keen to investigate.

We’re also to take him straight back to emergency if he has another seizure. Joy.

I swear, this son of mine is determined to make me grey.

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Daily Life

by Veronica on July 15, 2009

in Headfuck

I move through my days the same as I always did. Only now, it’s sadder. Things are the same and yet they are irreparably different. I try very hard not to think about things, but I’m not entirely sure that pushing it down to deal with later won’t have consequences.

Books lined against my walls, no bookshelf to hold them.

Shampoo in the shower. It still smells like Nan.

I haven’t been able to remove my pictures off the wall in my bedroom at her house. Not yet. Maybe another time. I don’t think I could bear to see them here and yet, I couldn’t bear to throw them away.

It’s not easy.

***

I run my finances through a calculator. Money in vs. money out.

Groceries. Petrol. Bills.

I don’t like the numbers so I run them again. And again. And again.

There is only so many things you can cut out.

Fuck.

I need a job.

***

Amy sleeps until 9.30am this morning, a welcome break. Unfortunately Isaac awoke at some ungodly hour and refused to be consoled with boobs. It’s not how I was planning on starting my morning.

It never is.

Neither kid is sleeping well and my insomnia has well and truly set in.

Eventually I will crash, but not now. Not today.

***

My postpartum hair loss stopped in May. I was thankful. There are only so many strands of your own hair you can choke on before it starts to get old.

However.

My hair is falling out in handfuls.

Stress maybe?

***

Yesterday was a day filled with energy and tasks and hot baked bread.

Today is cold and dreary and time is running slower. A good book and a hot drink would be more than welcome but my short people insist on food and entertainment and attention. Naptime is never long enough and Amy doesn’t nap anyway.

***

A program on TV. Someone dying, a family standing around crying.

‘Turn it off Nathan. I don’t need to watch that. It’s worse when it’s real life.’

Click.

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