Life

There are words, screaming in my head, wanting to get out.

I sit down to type them out and find that I’ve lost them. They used to fall from my brain to my fingertips effortlessly. I think they’re getting lost in there somewhere now. Maybe I’m crying them out? Maybe there is a backlog in around my heart somewhere and one day the dam will break and you’ll find yourself reading five posts in a day.

Who knows.

I know that I used to use my blog as a dumping ground, write it out and move on.

I want to write about how heavy my heart feels when I help Mum clean Nan’s house. How possessions of hers weigh heavily on my chest. I wish she’d been able to give more things away herself like she wanted to, rather than the sorting process we’ve got going on.

There are words in my head screaming to get out.

***

A few days after Nan died, I had a dream. We were sitting at Mum’s talking, as we used to do often.

Nan said ‘You need to come down and help me get things organised.’

‘Okay.’

‘The cupboards need sorting. You’ve got to be careful of all the lids though.’

Nan had a cupboard filled with all her plastic containers. Ever single bit of plastic she owned went in that cupboard. When I woke from the dream, I assumed that Nan saying ‘be careful of all the lids’ meant ‘for the love of god don’t lose my lids!’.

I was wrong.

When Mum and I sorted that cupboard? We found lids. And more lids. And then some more lids. Most of them without the accompaning containers.

I should have known. It wasn’t ‘be careful of all the lids so none get lost‘ it was actually ‘be careful you don’t drown in lids while you’re sitting on the floor sorting things.’

Thanks for the warning Nan.

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‘Mummy! I am AWAKE!’

‘Mmmmphghs. fuck.’

Stumble stumble stumble. I glance at my watch. Ugh.

‘Amy. It’s still dark. Do you want to go back to sleep for me please?’

‘No. Amy is awake. We go in the loungeroom and watch TV!’

‘Ugh. Move over. Mum will cuddle you. Brrrr, it’s cold. Here, snuggle down and close your eyes.’

I climb into bed with Amy and close my eyes.

‘Amy does not want to close her eyes. Amy is awake. Hi MUMMY!’

‘Hi Amy. Here, come and have a cuddle.’

‘Okay. Incy wincy spider…. You sing it Mum.’

‘Mummy doesn’t want to sing. Mummy wants to go back to sleep.’

Amy walks her fingers up my head.

‘MUM! MUM! There is a spider on your head. See?’

Her fingers walk back down my face.

‘Amy, it’s not time to get up yet. Snuggle down and go back to sleep.’

‘But Amy is not tired.’

‘Mummy is tired.’

‘Are you tired Mum? Are you tired? Mum, mummummumumummm, are you tired?’

‘Yes Amy, I am tired.’

‘You going back to sweep Mum?’

‘MMmmrpgh.’

‘MUM! Are you sweeping?’

‘Mmmmmm.’

‘Is okay Mummy, Amy will sing. Incy Wincy Spider climbed up a… Mummy, is your turn now.’

‘Amy?’

‘Yes? Oh NO. MUMMY LOOK! There is a cat on Amy’s drawers. Don worry Mum, Amy fix it.’

‘Amy, get back here, what are you – DON’T put the cat in the drawer!’

‘Is okay Mummy, Amy come snuggle now. Cat is fixed.’

‘Go and get the cat back out of the drawer. It’s very naughty to put the cat in the drawers!’

‘Amy not get the cat out. The cat is sweeping.’ [makes snoring noises]

‘The cat is not sleeping, go and get it out.’

‘Amy not want to. Cat is sweeping. Amy is sweeping.’ [Makes more fake snoring noises.]

‘BING! Amy is AWAKE! C’mon Mummy, les get UP!’

Oh my god.

‘Come on then. Let’s get up.’

‘YAY! YAY! YAY! Is Isaac awake?’

‘No, Isaac is sleeping.’

‘Don worry Mummy, Amy will wake Isaac up.’

‘No! Leave Isaac alone!’

‘Isaac! Is time to wake up!’

Isaac cries, Nathan mumbles and I am UP! and AWAKE! with the kids at a godawful time. Is it too late to start today again?

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… In finding Nemo, Dory sings ‘just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming…’

You know that bit?

(Yeah, other mothers of small children out there, I’ve got you singing it now, haven’t I?)

Yes. Mine is ‘Just keep smiling. Just keep giggling. Just keep smiling, giggling, smiling.’

Not always appropriate, but it works. So I’m smiling.

[My broken hot water? Is now fixed. So is the leaking. The destroyed bathroom floor, not so much. However, an Insurance Assessor will be up and fingers crossed, insurance should cover the cost of replacing the floor.]

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