Amy is crying. I flick on the hallway light and open the gate into her room. Birthday balloons litter the floor, I try not to trip. Reaching the bed unscathed I lay down next to her. She burrows into my arms.
Hungry.
No you’re not. It’s bed time.
I need an apple.
You need to go to sleep.
Apple.
Sleep.
Hmmph.
She can hmmmph with the best of them. Visions of teenagers flow through my head. God help me.
Cuddle me?
Of course. Come here.
She burrows deeper.
In the lounge room I can hear Isaac and Nathan talking.
What did we do today?
Daddy buyed me a flower.
He did. What else?
He buyed me chippies. And he buyed Mummy a drink!
She didn’t notice the chocolates. That’s always a good thing. Sometimes a girl needs chocolates hidden in her underwear drawer, all for her.
What else did we do?
We play outside!
I know. We dug a new garden?
Yes. And Amy did play with Seven! YAY!
And then you ran through the mud. And had to have a shower.
And Daddy did growl.
Because you ran inside with muddy feet.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What else did we do?
We went to MyNanny’s house!
That was yesterday.
Yeah. MyNanny’s house is empty.
I know. We cleaned it out.
MyNanny died.
I know. I miss MyNanny.
Me too. Say me too Mummy?
Me too.
We used to visit MyNanny.
Yes, we did. What did we do there?
We ate cake!
[giggling] We did indeed.
And read books?
Yes.
MyNanny is in St Johns.
No sweetheart. MyNanny died. We’re very sad.
My eyes start to prickle.
We play in MyNanny’s bed!
You did, didn’t you.
And we cleaned out the drawers.
Yes.
Which, was harder than it sounds.
MyNanny has gone away.
Yes sweetheart. She has.
Kisses?
I kiss her and she snuggles into her blankets. In the lounge room I can hear Isaac start to cry.
I need to go now sweetheart, Isaac needs putting to sleep.
No!
Yes. He needs boobies.
No! You stay here with me.
Sweetheart, Isaac needs me too.
No, he needs Daddy. You stay here.
Nope. I’ve got to go. Here, come and kiss me.
She kisses me, albeit reluctantly.
Goodnight Amy.
Goodnight Mummy.
I love you.
I luff you too.
I climb out of bed and leave, flicking off the hallway light as I go. Behind me, Amy starts to sob quietly. She managed to sneak a mouthful of pie earlier and the gluten in the pastry has sent her spinning. I know she’ll be okay in a few minutes, although I worry about how she’ll be overnight.
It’s been almost 12 weeks since Nan died. The grieving hits me harder now, even though it feels less socially acceptable. I keep myself tightly contained in order to keep my shit together. But don’t doubt it, this sucks still.
Suddenly things are moving very fast. A real estate listing, an open home and whoosh, things are out of my grasp. I save the photos the real estate took, not knowing why. I just can’t bear to delete them.
Things keep moving forwards. I don’t get a say in that.
I’ll keep dealing with it as best I can. With silent tears and chocolates eaten in an empty bedroom.
Its the “I luff you” that just breaks me! Take care of yourself, all the hidden chocolate you need.
It’s so hard.
it’s all so hard
Oh sweetheart, now I am crying too.
Poor babies. That’s you and Amy. Hugs to my friend.xx
Children keep it so real and simple.
Sometimes I wish we could be as naive as a child, then it wouldn’t hurt so much.
Being an adult is a battle.
xoxo, hun.
Amy is so sweet. Kids do cut right to the heart of an issue, don’t they?
There is no schedule for grieving, darlin.
It was four months yesterday. Not one fucking bit easier over here either. I think I need to try the chocolate in the drawer bit.
First. I love the “and Daddy did growl”. Hahaha.
Second. Hugs.
You’re such a sweet mommy.
So glad Amy is doing better with no gluten.
Sorry still about your loss. It does seem to be less socially acceptable to those who haven’t been there… strange.
There are no time tables or deadlines for grief, my love. Sometimes it gets harder before it gets easier. XO
Our children are what help us heal, aren’t they? Much love and blessings to you.
I hear what you are saying about it being less ‘socially acceptable’.
On the whole you are probably right, but there will always be some people who will let you rant or be sad, no matter how much they seem to be caught up in their own stuff.
Don’t hold back.
hugs
Listen, having someone you love die hurts. It hurts for a long time. I’m sorry, I wish I could tell you that it stops hurting after a few weeks. It’s supposed to hurt. Sucks doesn’t it. And as if that’s not enough of a kick in the ass, wait till you go a few days with out the steady pain only to have something from out of the blue hit you. For me it was just a bird. A Cardinal. I saw it fly by and the pain blindsided me. Don’t give up or give into it. It does get better, it does mellow after a while. And don’t you dare think that your grief isn’t “socially acceptable”. Everyone is different and grief is no exception. So cry it out and hug your children. And talk about it here. You are not alone.
Perhaps you need to not keep your shit together for a while, I am worried you are going to explode. A bottle of wine, a good friend, some ranting, some stamping of feet, some very loud music & a whole load of tissues….plus a very large hangover maybe.. (24 hours without children would help) Failing that keep writing here, eat more chocolate & please don’t worry about the socially acceptable side of it all. Its your grief so let it follow its natural course, it will ebb & flow, don’t be afraid to let the children know you cry when you miss ‘MyNanny’ they will help ease the burden of grief. Keep the photo’s, for they seem part of the journey.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
__hugs__ to all of you. always and forever.
Oh, this post had me all choked up! My eyes teared as I read about you and Amy talking about your Nan. Sending you lots and lots of hugs! I also have something for you on my blog.
Lovely and sad. I love the bedtimes and the talking about what he did on the day. I hope he doesn’t have to deal with that kind of loss for a while yet, though.
Hey there found you via Sarcastic Mom. Love the blog, am adding to my rss reader. Also checked out the ‘no clean feed’ button – I had no idea that this was going to be an issue in Australia – frightening.
I almost cried here, so I raced into the kitchen to check on dinner. I just love Amy. Could you have brought Isaac into the room and fed him while Amy settled to sleep? or would they both see that as playtime and be up all night?
big hugs hun..
thinking of ya..
ya know where i am..
I keep wanting to write you something… and then my children keep distracting me. Amy is just so smart. Yeah, I don’t envy the teen year thing lol.
What a beautiful, sad, funny, poignant, tear-jerking post!
*sniff* *sob*
Eat all the chocolates you need – that’s why they were invented, to make us happy.
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 1 trackback }