Nathan had surgery on Friday to fix a hydrocele. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mind me talking about his testicles on my blog, but in case you’re worried, I did ask first.
While he was in there, he had a vasectomy. It was a joint decision but…
I wasn’t prepared for how sad this would make me feel.
It’s a good thing; logically I know it’s a good thing. We have three beautiful children and this is our mental, physical and financial limit. Three children and we are so so lucky.
And yet, the emotional side of my brain is still sad. No more tiny babies for me.
Frankly, I would be happy to never be pregnant again. I found pregnancy utterly miserable, but never having a newborn again?
Sad.
In any case, it was the right decision, and I will get over it.
It’s just so FINAL, you know?
In other news, NaNoWriMo is going quite well, and once I press publish on this, I’m locking my children outside* and planning on writing lots more words. For those naysayers (yes, I’ve seen you out there) – yes, it’s 50k hurried words. No, each word that falls out of my fingers is not perfect. I know that there are holes in my plot and timeline that need clearing up later.
But – it takes the pressure off. I’m not expecting myself to write fifty thousand perfect words this month. I don’t expect my end result to be an instantly publishable work, filled with great prose.
What I do expect is that at the end of November, I will have a first draft. Messy and mistake filled, it will be the bare bones of SOMETHING. It will need editing and rewriting – but don’t we expect that in any case?
The pressure of writing 50k words in 30 days stops my inner perfectionist in her tracks. It stops her shouting at me that I may as well give up now, that this is crap. Because I know it’s crap and I’m writing it anyway.
The beginning of something does not need to be perfect. It just needs to BE.
*I kid. Mostly. Unless they start fighting again. That said Amy is sulking because I growled at her and Isaac just tried to bash his two front teeth out. Blood. Everywhere. (He’s eating an ice cream now however.)
I’m going to hold up my hand and say that I claim the Bad NaNoWriMo writing award.
I am pretty sure my scene involving dogs trying to eat kid vomit isn’t going to make it to the final cut.
In fact, I’m not even sure how I got there in the first place. I feel like I turned down the wrong road and ended up in some bad neighborhood I never want to see again.
I know what you mean about the big V. We’ve discussed it at my house lately, and I feel the same way – I don’t want another pregnancy, but the finality of it is kind of sad somehow.
Exactly. I think maybe people forget that every word isn’t perfect and all novels start in in a ridiculously bad fashion. Unless of course they’re somehow magical and never need to edit, in which case, pffft.
Annnnd I just reread my comment. NaNo has obviously sucked my brain out.
We are having the desexing discussion. It has been going on FOR YEARS! I know what you mean xx
DH had his little procedure on Friday too. Must have been the day for it. I’m far too old to have any more babies, and the fear of getting knocked up at 45 was too strong NOT to have the operation done, but I too have had my moments of ‘that’s it, full stop, no more babies for me’.
And that made me sad. Wistful.
My own full stop was a hysterectomy, that’s pretty final! But it was necessary.
I think you’ve got the right idea, just churning out the words. when the editing happen, the story will reveal itself. And I think it might be something pretty damn good.
Owie, poor Nathan! But you know what you can handle and what you can’t. I hope he heals soon and feels much better.
I had very similar emotions after C’s birth and my simultaneous tubal ligation in 2009. It is a sense of loss, no matter how sure you are that it’s the right decision (I was, too).
Re Nano – definitely on the 50,000 words, not 50,000 publishable words! I completed in both 2010 and 2011; both of those manuscripts are still extant, but are still undergoing considerable editing and rewriting in preparation to trying to shop them around (or, if it comes to that, self publishing them). Both were first drafts and had potential but not really more than that – only about 30% of the 2010 novel, and 50% of the 2011 one, have survived in the rewriting process.
Alas, alas, it comes to us all eventually, the no more babies bit. Adored my babies, but I knew, mental head case that I am, that 2 was my absolute limit. Got myself fixed (free of charge in Tweed Heads using the Essure procedure, so was awake for it all, about 11 yrs ago now) and it did feel sad, but I knew it was right. It’s the end of something huge, so yes it is difficult and joyless.
As for the writing, just the exercise of writing – as I know you know – makes us better, makes our work better. By the end of the month you will be in fine fighting form and well able to fine tune anything you have written. Vaya con dios, dear heart.
Words. Words. Words. They are just words but they are the beginning of something special.
Oh and yes totally agree with you about disliking pregnancy. I hated it! But I will too miss never holding another of my newborns. Such a perfect feeling.
When my kids started to write stories in school they called it the ‘sloppy copy’. Get the thoughts out, fix it later. It still works for me.
Immediately after the birth of my third baby by C-section I had a tubal ligation. It seemed the way to do it…all at once. I was so busy afterwards that I had very few second thoughts. I was almost 35, so for me it was time. We were SO outnumbered with three, at first, but things worked well in time. And I still enjoy other people’s newborns.
I know just what you mean about the finality. But there are other things that it makes a lot easier too. 🙂
I can imagine how hard this sense of finality must be to deal with. We’re thinking along the lines of vasectomy one day in the future… and it terrifies me. Like you, it would be the most responsible and logical thing to do (we’ve reached physical limit) – but there’s still a part of me that can’t cope with the sadness of the finality. I hear your sadness. x
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