Heartbroken.

by Veronica on July 24, 2009

in Headfuck

We called into Nan’s house today to pick up some things I had left behind when I was living there.

Coat hangers.

Some books.

My leaver’s dinner dress.

As we pulled into the driveway and parked, Amy looked at me happily.

‘YAY! YAY! MyNanny is not died! We go visit!’

I looked at her, with tears in my eyes.

‘I’m sorry sweetheart. MyNanny did die. We’re all still very sad.’

‘Oh.’ She said and went quiet.

She didn’t ask to come inside. She didn’t ask where MyNanny was.

(MyNanny was Amy’s name for Nan. Nan was chuffed, she was the only Nanny with a special name)

For the first fortnight after Nan died, Amy told us that MyNanny is in St Johns. We corrected her, saying that MyNanny died and we were all very sad.

She doesn’t mention St Johns anymore. Today was the first time she had mentioned anything about dying.

I know that it’s turning around in her brain as she makes sense of what died and dead mean. I know that we’ll probably be having plenty of conversations about Nan in the future, as Amy works it out.

It doesn’t make me any less heartbroken though to have to tell my baby girl that her Nanny is not going to come back. I cry every time I think of the joy on Amy’s face when she thought we were going to visit Nan. I cry that Amy went silent so fast and that she understood in her own way.

I cried a lot this afternoon.

Amy and Nan

It’s been a month.

frogponsdrock July 24, 2009 at 8:59 pm

Oh sweetheart…

Marylin July 24, 2009 at 9:03 pm

Oh honey. I’m crying reading this. ((huge hugs)) xx

Bendy Girl July 24, 2009 at 9:04 pm

Thinking you you and your mum. Lots of love BG x

Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo July 24, 2009 at 9:07 pm

sending you a quiet hug.

katef July 24, 2009 at 9:07 pm

*hugs*…. tears for you all….

tiff July 24, 2009 at 9:10 pm

Biggest hugs.
The biggest.

trish July 24, 2009 at 9:14 pm

it’s so hard after all the initial sympathy dies down for life to go back to normal only to find it isn’t normal… (hugs)
it’s the small things that set you off.

Judi July 24, 2009 at 9:17 pm

God wanted Nan in heaven so Amy will always have an Angel watching over her!

MistressB July 24, 2009 at 9:22 pm

hugs.

A new normal will take time love

karen @agentninety9 July 24, 2009 at 9:22 pm

Mu husband’s aunt (who lived with us) died in May. My 3yo loved her to pieces and we’ve been on the same road you’re on now. You’re doing the right thing in the way you’re telling your daughter about mynanny’s passing. We have a family member who works in palative care and she says sometimes the best thing you can do for tots is to give them an answer to their questions. Not an explaination necessarily, but just the truth as simple as you can make it. Understanding will come, along with that precious loss of innocence.

My thoughts are with you. I’m sorry for your loss.

Mrs. C July 24, 2009 at 9:37 pm

(((hugs)))

I cried reading this post. Amy is a very smart little girl, though, and she will at least understand that she is grieving. I am sorry that Isaac is not understanding and remembering enough to do that process with her. :[

Bec July 24, 2009 at 10:09 pm

🙁 I don’t know what to say. Your poor family, I’m very sorry for your loss.

Tara July 24, 2009 at 10:41 pm

Lots of Hugs, Veronica.

Tanya July 24, 2009 at 10:45 pm

That makes me feel heartbroken too. xxx

Marie July 24, 2009 at 10:59 pm

tears and hugs

Chrissy July 24, 2009 at 11:02 pm

Oh, Veronica! My heart aches for you guys. Sending you lots of hugs. xoxo <3

nikki July 25, 2009 at 12:14 am

I wish I could say it gets better, but the ache will always be there. And it likes to sucker punch you in the gut when you least expect it. Mom’s been gone for a little over 2 months and this past week was the hardest outside of her funeral.

Hugs.

Barbara July 25, 2009 at 12:49 am

Oh love, it’s hard enough when it’s just your own grief to deal with but to have to deal with Amy’s as well must be terrible. Thinking of you lots.

Loretta July 25, 2009 at 1:49 am

That story made me cry also. Children are so precious.

Hyphen Mama July 25, 2009 at 3:36 am

It’s so hard to deal with the pain and sadness that is your own, then to try to ease that in your own daughter must be excruciating. I’m sorry.

james r. July 25, 2009 at 4:05 am

This made me cry, too. Sending positive thoughts to your and your family.

lceel July 25, 2009 at 5:53 am

Oh, Babe. I am so, so sorry.

Andi July 25, 2009 at 6:19 am

Oh, this broke my heart. I am sending much love to you and Amy.

Jeanette July 25, 2009 at 7:09 am

poor kid 🙁

achelois July 25, 2009 at 9:41 am

This made me cry too, I know that doesn’t help either of you but it did. Thinking of you.xx

Shelby July 25, 2009 at 11:38 am

Hugs for you and Amy

Sharon July 25, 2009 at 1:10 pm

It’s always the little unexpected things that set you off anew. Poor Amy, a death is such a big concept to grasp at such a young age.

Hugs

river July 25, 2009 at 4:41 pm

This brought a heaviness to my heart, but it’s good that Amy understands.

Ali July 25, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Oh V. Big hugs. Poor darling Amy.

Joyce-Anne July 26, 2009 at 7:40 am

Don’t be surprised if the questions and comments continue for a few years too. My father died when my oldest daughter was 4 and she’ll be turning 8 in about a week. Every so often, she mentions grandpa and asks how he died and that she misses him.

Taz July 26, 2009 at 10:01 am

biggest hugs ever hun

thinking of you always,,

i am here if ya need.

KerriSackville July 27, 2009 at 9:08 am

you write so beautifully.
love to you all x

Leslie July 30, 2009 at 1:51 pm

That picture is beautiful. It says so much.

As a parent, I’ve struggled to explain death when I don’t fully understand it myself. I’ve had to say to Julia, “These are the things I know…these are things I don’t…and these are the things I feel in my heart.”

You will always have your Nan in your heart. So will Amy.

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