How To Reperkify Your Breasts

Duct tape.

You all know I am a big fan of duct tape. Duct tape cures everything, fixes everything and I think in a pinch, you could probably use it to wax your legs (anyone know if this is true? Feel free to ‘fess up). So what you need to do, is kind of create a bra from duct tape and then stick your boobs into a perky position.

You know, as in not down near your belly button.

I think the best way to accomplish this would be to stand on your hands and then get your husband/partner/friend/sister to duct tape them that way. Then, you flip (or flop, depending on your acrobatic abilities) back into an upright position and BANG, perky boobs.

Want it really badly. The J-Lo approach.

Now, this next one is the J-Lo approach. You need to want it really badly. Deep down you KNOW that there is nothing wrong with your boobs and therefore they should not be sagging. Keep reminding yourself that you want this really badly, there is nothing wrong and BANG, perky boobs.

[It is to be noted that J-Lo’s approach may only work with conceiving twins after a few years of infertility. It may not have any effect on your perfectly healthy breasts. However, it did seem to have a fantastic effect on her perfectly healthy reproductive system. Not that her many trips to an infertility clinic had anything to do with it though.]

Tie your nipples to your ears.

Now this one is likely to make some women cringe. You take a set of nipple clamps –

and attach them to your nipples. Hopefully if you are anything like me, the time you spent breatfeeding will have completely numbed your nipples. However, if your nipples still have sensation or you didn’t breastfeed, then I recommend this product.

Once you have the clamps applied, then simply attach string and hoist your boobies up into a perky position. Tie off. Your ears are a good tie off point. BANG! Perky boobs.

Lay in a pool on your back in freezing conditions.

Now have you noticed how when you lay in the bathtub your boobs float and seem to resume some sort of pre-child shape? Well, I am going one better.

You need to find an unheated swimming pool in the middle of winter. Then, you need to float on your back topless in it (it would probably help if there was no-one else using the pool. Midnight is a good time. While you do this, you need someone (husband/partner/friend/sister) to photograph them.

This method is slightly less permanent than the other 3, but the good thing is, you get a photograph of your perky boobs, seemingly untouched by anything. You will need photoshop abilities though to remove the goosebumps and blue tinge from your skin.

So there you go, 4 easy and relatively painless (hahahah) methods of reperkifying your breasts.

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I, the author take no responsibility for duct tape burn, dashed hopes, nipple contusions or hypothermia. But hell, if you want to try any of these methods (or have tried them in the past) feel free to let me know! I am always interested in new ways to reperkify my boobs.