I was in the supermarket today when I walked through a cloud of perfume. It’s said that scent evokes memories stronger than other senses and I’m inclined to agree, as I breathed the perfume and tried not to cry. You see, someone had gotten up that morning and headed to the supermarket wearing the same perfume my grandmother used to wear and it was her smell that I was surrounded by for a few moments, standing between the leeks and the strawberries.
If I’d been able to pick which woman was wearing the perfume, I would have asked her what it was, because I don’t know anymore. Sadly, there were quite a few women standing in the fruit and vegetables section and I didn’t think it would be polite to demand to smell them all.
So I turned and walked away, with my tiny daughter tucked under my chin, burying myself in her new baby smell. I regretted it, you know, the not asking. Just quietly.
I knew that this would be the hardest part of having a new baby, the grief and missing, mixed with hormones. It’s a potent mix, guaranteed to have you sobbing on the baby’s head while you burp her.
A few days ago, I went looking back through the baby photos of Amy and Isaac, searching for their newborn photos. I wanted to compare Evelyn’s hair colour with theirs and see how long it took for Amy’s jaundice to clear up. It was a stupid thing to do I realised, as I found photo after photo of my grandmother holding them.
I’m glad I have those photos (oh so glad) and I am also grieving the fact that she will never know Evelyn, who looks so much like her as a baby. Genetics are a funny thing.
Death is so final. There are no do overs and no “just wait, I just need you for right this second”. It sounds stupid to point this out, but it’s the finality of death that continues to slap me in the face, long after the shock and initial pain have faded. Can’t we just rewind time for a little? Borrow her for a day? No. No you can’t.
In the meantime, I admire my daughter’s cheeks that I have worked so hard to fatten up, and I demand that the Internet admire them too.
Perhaps that woman was wearing that perfume and standing in that isle at just that moment because your gran was there, watching over you and Evelyn??
Just a thought.
And those cheeks deserve some serious smooshing and kissing and squeezing 🙂
Ohhhh I know just what you mean. My mums perfume was charisma by Avon. It still brings me to my knees.
I’m glad you have those photos. My mum never met my girls
Those cheeks are totally smooshable!
They are beautiful cheeks…in fact everything about her is beautiful. My first 4 children and my daughter who was only with us for 4 months all had a very close relationship with my nan. I have so many photos of her also holding them all so proudly. I do get upset now that my youngest boy never got to meet her and have her dote over him and tell him how “forward” he is and that he is the smiliest baby ever. I don’t know what I believe in, but somehow i am grateful for thinking that maybe my nan is still cuddling my little girl somewhere and watching over all her brothers x
Oh sweetheart, she is just absolutely adorable! xxx
Always read your blog but dont always comment. You have such a beautiful way with words.
Glad your new baby is home with you and your family. She’s gorgeous. Your grandmother would be so proud of you I’m sure.
Often think about this too as my own Mum died before the arrival of my first born. She did have the pleasure of finding out about the pregnancy however and that brought heaps of joy and anticipation. It was not to be – my mother was taken in a car accident.
I guess you always ponder and think, it is not just a newborn thing; but just it gets easier.
And eventually the thought process brings delight and wonder, reflection … not grief.
I was saying to someone the other day at their own grandmum’s passing. And I guess this is now how I think – “We are what went before us; we are them, they gave us, us!”
Hope that helps.
And yes, cheeky chops with an A- rating! Beautiful.
I don’t often say these things but Evelyn looks like one of those babies who are an “old soul”. Take away from that what you will but I do believe she is amazingly gorgeous.
Admiring! Cute!
You should have asked… but maybe next time. Or you could go to a perfume counter sometime and see for yourself. 🙂
You’ve done a super job of fattening up those bewdiful cheeks. Now I’m a gonna squeeze them, ever so gently.
cheeks? What cheeks? I’m admiring the sweetest little ears I’ve ever seen.
Admiring aplenty from over here :). She is beautiful.
I know you have so many problems but you also have so many blessings. I want to smell that new baby smell again! SO many things make me miss my mother and it is always unexpected. I went to a blue grass concert last week and wished she was with me. When I saw a huge amount of humming birds and my friends house I wished she was there. She was a huge part of my life and she has been gone nearly 4 years and it still hits me.
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