On this day three years ago, my little girl was born. A silent bundle, plopped onto my chest. Wide eyed, she looked straight at me.
This day; today, she turned three. Three. A big number for such a small girl. But then, she’s not a baby anymore, nor a toddler.
Today. The day after I popped my ankle badly. I woke up, smiled and helped open gifts. I took more painkillers than I probably ought to, braced everything up and put a smile on my face.
Because my little girl, she had turned three. And she deserved that from me, the happy and the smiling and the Very Happy Birthday she kept telling me she was having.
And I smiled and breathed deep when the tears threatened to flow. Because my little girl had turned Three and there should be no room for grief here.
I smiled at the barbeque in her honour. I held my shit together, helped along by more elastic bandaging than one person should fashionably wear. I smiled and laughed and took photos.
Inside, I died a little.
Because this is not how it should have been. We were not meant to be missing someone so badly that breathing hurts.
Amy turned Three and my world started to crumble. My walls, built up over these last ten weeks fell apart.
***
My physio set me adrift yesterday.
Here are your exercises, make sure you do them, feel free to ring me with questions, make an appointment if you need more braces, goodbye.
Somehow I can only think that I’m not the success story she was hoping for.
Treating Ehlers Danlos is not an easy task. I know this.
Still. I was hoping for a little more.
Hopefully my next referral gets me somewhere.
***
Adrift.
Washed in a sea of grief.
Sinking, through the bubbles.
Not breathing.
Until suddenly I am.
Breathing again.
Because I have to.
***
Today was hard. Harder than I expected, harder than I’d have ever imagined.
***
Today Amy turned Three and it was bittersweet.
Hugs sweetie.
And give that girl a big happy birthday hug from me.
Somedays the pain is so raw it hurts to breathe.
Happy birthday to your gorgeous girls and many hugs for you.
(((hug)))) Amy is so beautiful! I’m so glad you’ve discovered a bit about her intolerances so she will be off on a more even keel. Happy birthday, even if it is a very sad year. Does Amy “get” it yet that Nan will not pop by?
The crash day was going to come, sorry it had to be today. Maybe it needed that to coax it out.
Hopefully things look up from here on in.
What an emotionally charged day for you. It’s when our loved ones aren’t there for our celebrations that their loss hits us most.
Happy Birthday to Amy.
Big ((((((hugs))))))) to you.
Oh love, I am so sorry. It should have been such a joyous day for you. Well done you for smiling through it, it sucks that it was so hard for you.
I’m startled that your physio has just cut you loose with some exercises. Won’t there be some sort of follow up?
Happy Birthday to the Birthday girl.
One Emotion running high sometimes seem to trigger heightened awareness – pain, fear, grief and joy. Shining through this post is your resilience, tenacity and inner strength. You are stronger it seems than you think perhaps.
The next physio will not dent self-esteem, I am sure that he or she will be enriched with knowledge of EDS & the necessity of appropriate physio. If they are not then they should be ready to watch & learn at the very least. Good Luck….
On reaching an explosive peak with your grief today, I am hoping that you may be reaching a plateau where for a while you can rest easy knowing that you survived something which felt unbearable.
Some time after my grandmother had dies I was admited hospital. I had been feeling all day bereft with grief and I think my episode was the sudden acceptance that she was gone – really gone. Probably an alternative practitioner would have called this a ‘healing crisis’ All I can really remember is the feeling that I was going to explode. It turned out I also had viral meningitis which was felt had been brought on by my grief & low physical state. Veronica remember to take time to cherish yourself. Lie in the bath with scented candles & bath oils & if only for 15 minutes try emptying your mind completely.
Something I used to do after my Grandmother died was lie on the grass just breathing in the dew early morning. I came inside one day and other half asked me if I had been crying. I replied that I hadn’t and that I was just reminding myself that I was still alive. He gave me ‘the look’. For the first time in ages my tears weren’t joining the dew.
In the end the only way I could start to pretend to cope was each time my grief felt unbearable I had to force myself to mentally picture & focus on a snapshot of she & I in my mind. It started with small ones – visualising her laugh, the way she would say ‘bloody hell’ & her obsession with fish on Friday. In time more & more forgotten memories which became more detailed would appear & remain a cherished moment of many. Now when I miss her I can lie in the sun for a while and re-live, caravanning holidays, conversations & more. It doesn’t bring her back but it does mean we still have ‘our time’. This distraction technique I had to implement because I thought I was going to start having attacks of hysterical screaming & crying & keeping it all in had made me ill.
I also found that saying out loud to my other half when he would ask what was the matter – I am missing my grandmother so much I can’t bare it, helped. G would say to me, never think you are alone with this but don’t shut me out otherwise I can’t help. He told me to hug him when I couldn’t say – so I would & he would know that I was hurting. It helped me to know that I didn’t have to do it alone.
Hoping tomorrow is better.
Life is bittersweet. It sucks.
You’re a brave woman 🙂
Happy birthday to miss Amy xxx
I am so sorry,,, it is hard to read that becasue being a MOM I want to make even YOU better. HUGGS hang in there
Happy Birthday Amy.
Three is such a fabulous age. I haven’t watched the video yet, but I will. I’m sure your nan was watching the fun.
What do you mean your physio has cut you loose? Aren’t they supposed to monitor you and see how the exercises are or are not helping? How does she know if the exercises are effective? I think you need to find someone else.
Oh sweetheart. Well done for doing so well for your little girl! You are an awesome mummy for her 🙂
((hugs)) and love xx
hugs hugs
thinking of ya
happy birtday Amy
What a touching post. Happy Birthday Miss Amy.
Happy birthday to Amy!!
(((HUGS)))
Happy birthday to your little girl and my best wishes to her Mum.
Happy Birthday Amy and well done to you for holding it altogether! It wasn’t easy, but it sounds like you did a sterling job and were very brave. Hope that ankle heals very quickly!
Hugs for you and I’m sorry that the physio didn’t give you more. Fingers crossed for the next health professional
Happy Birthday little Amy. What a big girl. Scary.
It is truly crazy how fast they grow! The pain will get better, it just takes lots of time to heal.
Happy Birthday Amy! We all love you, you little minx.
The things we do for our kids, huh?
I hope the days are getting easier. For you.
Happy birthday to your gorgeous girl Amy, and a hugs for you.
Sorry Nan is not with you …
I’m sorry. I hope that Amy had a lovely day. I know how hard it can be to fight the tears and try to keep a smile on your face.
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 2 trackbacks }