Sleepless Nights

Blog

  • Oh dear.

    Isaac standing. 10mths

    Just oh dear.

    He pulled up on the couch for the first time a few days ago. It was a wobbly start with plenty of falls. Today though, he has his feet sorted and he is upright and standing at every opportunity. Even if the only thing to pull up on is my hair, he is managing it.

    He’s still so tiny! He’s meant to be my baby, not my upright mobile toddler.

    Shit.

    ***

    Update: In other news, remember that ChupaChup challenge I did a few weeks back? I would love it if you could head over HERE and give me a thumbs up? (It’s a facebook photo). In case the link decides to stop working (Facebooks permalinks are really odd) mine is the photo with Barbie in it.

    Please?

  • Happy Birthday To Me!

    Today I went out to lunch with Mum, a day before my birthday. We went for sushi MINUS the children and oh, it was lovely.

    Why, you might ask, didn’t we go out tomorrow on my actual birthday? Well tomorrow (today by the time I finish typing this, as it’s 11.53pm and Amy has just woken again) I reserve for sleeping in late (if I make it to 9am, I’ll be pleased), eating cheese and biscuits (well, rice crackers, but whatever), demanding foot rubs at every opportunity and generally overusing parentheses.

    I’m going to be spending tomorrow doing not a lot of anything.

    Except maybe playing with my new 50mm lens that was my birthday present from Mum. Yay!

    Anyway, I had a lovely day.

    Right up until Mum dropped me back off at Nathan’s parent’s house, where Nathan and the children were camping out and we tried to head home.

    The car started perfectly at their house. Truly it did.

    Then Nathan noticed that our speedo wasn’t working. Suddenly we’d lost 1st gear and the car was feeling sick. 5 minutes out, we’d pulled over to baby the car back to health. Nathan added more transmission fluid (which we’d only topped up the other day), more coolant, more everything.

    The universe had other ideas though and suddenly we went from a car that was sick, but running, to a car that wouldn’t start.

    Did I mention we were in a tiny little car park, having pulled off the highway?

    Heh.

    Anyway, the calvalry came and rescued us, to the tune of Mum coming to collect us and Nathan’s brother showing up to help Nathan get the car running again. The kids and I followed Nathan home in Mum’s car and nothing untoward happened. Needless to say, it was a stressful way to end the day, but ah well. We’re home now and I’ve got a car I can kick when I get frustrated because the stupid fucking  thing is broken and needs more money than it’s worth to fix it. Sigh.

    Sigh. Again.

    BUT! Today I turn 21! I suppose I’m officially allowed to get drunk in the US and other assorted countries, despite my own letting me drink 3 years ago. (We won’t talk about all the underage drinking I did while I was working, ahem)

    And to celebrate, I thought I’d share some photos I took today.

    Because I’m 21 now and I can. So there.

    Veronica

    Sushi Lunch

    Dessert

    Coffee Jelly

    Shush. I may possibly have been enjoying snapping photos of the food. Not with the 50mm though, that was bought after we had lunch. I’m already craving more sushi.

    November 11 - Amy

    Laughing

    Oh yes. And how the day ended:

    Broken Car

  • On words, or the lack thereof

    I can’t talk about it anymore. The grief, it is crushing and although I laugh and smile, I can’t breathe. Often, I have to remind myself to keep breathing, to keep moving, otherwise I’d be found, struck dumb with tears streaming down my face. Unmoving and uncaring.

    I cope  by moving through my moments without thinking about it. If I consciously don’t think about her, then I can move through my day without hurting.

    Then

    something will happen.

    And the enormity of what we’ve lost hits me like a truck with no brakes.

    Loss is forever and I think that is the hardest part. That this is forever. There are no undos, no fixing this. I can’t make this better because I can’t bring her back.

    I said after she died that I didn’t regret anything I had done or not done. That I was at peace with her passing. I told her I loved her lots on that last day.

    I think I lied.

    Because

    I regret that she died at all. That we didn’t have longer. That she was in pain.

    In the future, we will have a cure for cancer. It might not be for a hundred years, but in the future there will be a cure. Future generations will look back and wonder how we managed to lose so many people to cancer. They will wonder how we didn’t crack the code sooner, in order to save more lives.

    But it will be like us, looking back on the invention of antibiotics. We know that we’re lucky, but we don’t realise how lucky we are. We’re not likely to die from a simple cut anymore. A puncture wound is not going to be our death.

    In the future, Cancer will be like that.

    I hope it is sooner than we believe.

    But until then, we will support the research. We will donate money and time and good humour. We will do what needs doing, even if that means we hold the hand of a loved one while they’re dying.

    We do this, hoping that in the future, our children’s children won’t have to go through it.

    Because god knows, I wouldn’t wish cancer on anyone.

  • A big first

    I rang poison control today. Yes, it finally happened, I had to ring them. Amy took the lid off a spray bottle filled with pine-o-clean and eucalyptus oil and used the straw part (you know, the part that actually sucks up the liquid so it can be squirted? yes, that part) as a straw to drink her milk.

    The cup smelled like pine-o-clean, the straw smelled like pine-o-clean and her breath smelled like, you guessed it, pine-o-clean.

    Sigh.

    We were given instructions on what to watch for and what to expect, but basically, if your toddler ingests a mouthful or two of pine-o-clean, you’re not going to have to race to emergency in an ambulance.

    (For the record, we were told to watch for breathing difficulties, excessive hyperactivity or excessive lethargy. They mentioned she might also vomit, but not to worry too much unless she couldn’t stop vomiting)

    So far, she hasn’t even complained of a tummy ache.

    Seems that for Amy, actual cleaning poison is less like poison than gluten.

    Heh.

  • Highlights

    When the highlight of your day was finding two freddo frogs inside one wrapper, you know it’s not been a good day.

    If when you found the freddos, you promptly snapped a photo so you could blog it, then it’s definitely not been a good day.

    Freddos

    NaBlo, it’s been lovely, but don’t think I can subject everyone to this quality all month.

    Gah.