No matter what the provocation, it is illegal to murder your partner.
So at 11.30pm the other night when I was seriously considering murdering Nathan, I got out of bed and walked away.
No matter what I did, he kept fucking snoring.
I poked him.
I prodded him.
I swore at him.
I kicked him.
I shook him until his teeth rattled.
I stole his pillows and beat him with them (small step to considering suffocation).
I squeezed his ribs, hard, and at least this one made him roll over.
But he didn’t stop snoring.
When my final two ploys failed – pulling his leg hairs and then his pubes – I bailed out.
I’d exhausted all of my for-the-love-of-god-stop-snoring techniques and I was left trying to work out which would be better, a pillow, or a knife. Not great options either of them, considering I really prefer him alive. But oh the fantasy, it was tempting.
I grabbed my pillows, hit him with them for good measure and went and slept in Amy’s room with her.
I’m not sure what was worse, the band saw snoring, or Amy poking me with her feet all night.
She’s very poky.
All I can say is thank goodness she has a double bed and thank fuck Nathan doesn’t snore like that most of the time.
Because otherwise, he’d be lucky to live through another night.
Have Nathan tested for sleep apnea. Not that it’s a great diagnosis or that a breathing machine is sexy, but it could save his life. And your sanity. Men seldom snore while wearing the sleep apnea mask.
Have you tried earplugs? I sleep with them every night. If I didn’t, I would be divorced by now (or in prison for homicide). Agree on the sleep apnea test, except mine won’t do it, so good luck with that.
Pop and Ice – I want himto get tested because he stops breathing too. But you know what men are like. ‘I’ll get around to it…’ and he never does. Men!
Kristin – Earplugs would be lvoely, except for the small children needing me at 3am thing.
I thought after you grew up with my snoring that you would be able to sleep through Nathans. Remember the earmuffs lol?
My husband used to grind his teeth very loudly when stressed. This was in addition to the snoring/stop breathing routine. Not sure which was worse. Now he’s retired he just snores.
Sew tennis balls on the back of his pj’s (but I suppose he doesn’t wear them!)!! – I find P snores when he sleeps on his back! It’s enough to drive you mad! Good luck!
I’m hearing you V. Husband is a heavy snorer too. Argh! Nowadays, it’s not unusual for me to wake him up and ahem order him to sleep on the sofabed.
I love him but I need to sleep, damnit! ; )
With the stopping breathing as well as the snoring, I’d say he definitely has sleep apnoea. My L has it too, but he sleeps better since we separated into separate rooms. I’ve also noticed that he only snores just after he falls asleep, then when he slips into deeper sleep, he’s okay.
Frogponds – That’s a story for another day. Hehe.
Sharon – I grind my teeth in my sleep too. I wake up with my jaw hurting.
Janet – Nope, no PJ’s. And funnily enough, he was on his side this time. Normally the snoring only happens when he’s on his back.
Brenda – God, me too. If I’d been able to wake him I would have made him sleep elsewhere. He’d had a few drinks.
River – that’s what I think too, re the apnea. Will commence nagging him to get tested.
Hahahahahhaha!!!!! Glad it’s a once off.
My Nathan does that sometimes but I cant say too much, when I hit 20 weeks pregnant I snored up until Emily was born, and loudly!!!
thank goodness it was a once off.
bjorn is pretty bad and my gosh can the dog snore too lol
Tanya and Taz – He does snore often, but he normally reponds to poking and stops it.
Hi,
Yeah, I can totally relate. My husband snores terribly. I use earplugs and they help most of the time. Despite wearing them, I can hear the little ones when they need me, so maybe give them a go anyway if this happens again, as I think our Mommy ears are especially sensitive – and when the house is still and silent, I can actually hear them turn over in bed (yes, whilst wearing earplugs!).
Or just kill him 😉
I hereby swear that in the event Nathan snores like that again, if he shows up dead or missing, it wasn’t me.
I’m going to continue with my patented pube pulling method, that normally works. In the event of a failure, earplugs will have to be it.
No photos?!! LOL
I love that you pulled his pubes. And that he didn’t wake up. Seriously. While my husband doesn’t snore, he sleeps exactly like that. I have to practically scream with a megaphone, and even then, it still takes a while.
I thought it was just your kids keeping you up! Bit of a bugger that he’s doing it on his back as well. Can you get anything like this http://www.snoreeze.com/the-snoreeze-range/snoreeze-nasal-strips in Tasmania?
Hahahaha. Snoring ought to be legit justification for murder. Or at least a severe beating. Believe me, I know. I sleep with ear plugs in every single night. It helps. A little.
Oh dear! Luckily I’m the snorer here, and Dean sleeps through *anything*! However when he’s lying in the middle of the bed drooling on me it’s difficult to get him to roll over, which is odd considering he’s such a skinny bugger! lol 🙂
V – we’ve trained our kids to go to hubby in the middle of the night instead of me. Neat trick.
If he wakes up he’ll instantly fall back asleep whereas I’ll be up for hours. Which makes for a grumpy me the next day. And as Jim is fond of quoting, if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
Aside from the snoring and constantly unpacking the bags I’m packing to move to Australia, he’s not half bad.
My husband snores like that all the time. Every.Single.Night. I once broke my watch when I hit him and he still slept through it. He was tested and has the machine but he manages to take it off in his sleep. And once he’s asleep, nothing wakes him up. Good luck.
Usually it’s me snoring…or so I’ve been told. Mr Hyphen sleeps with ear plugs, which is fine for him because he isn’t the one who’s up 7346 times in the night with little people. But when he snores… I want to tear out his uvula and stuff it up his nose.
OMG I feel your pain…. and I was right there in that place last night. I am sure it is justifiable homicide when your partner comes to bed very late, wakes you up, then snores to loud the walls shake….
Mine snores LOUDLY every night. The med’s for epilepsy sedate and don’t help. yes he stops breathing too but WILL NOT agree to sleep apnea testing. Having tried everything I can only feel your pain.
Try videoing him on your mobile and play it back to him. he may not agree to sleep apnea test but you may get him to take you out to dinner to say sorry!!!
Achelois – now there is a plan!
I am the snorer. Well MPS snores, but I am usually asleep before him and I can’t hear his over my own.
I just tell him to suck it up princess.
hah. should have lumped them in together.
oh i’m seriously feeling your pain….i’ve regularly lain awake wondering just how long i’d have to actually serve if it came to it – it’d be worth it, surely??! since last wednesday, our house contains a newborn, whose 17-mth-old brother has a fear of her cries, a chainsaw-level-snoring-husband, and my mum here to help me adjust, but crucially also taking up the spare bed….leaving me plenty of time for wondering…!!!
Husband snoring is THE WORST.
On second thought, waking myself up with my own snoring…I think that might actually be the worst.
Ha! I deal with snoring most nights. As long as he points his noise maker away from me I can ignore it but when he sleeps facing me I lose my mind. I’ll usually just reach over in my sleep and slap him. He responds my rolling over. Yay.
your blog is appropriately named.
I love that my husband snores. No, I’m not entirely insane. My husband got a bad case of pneumonia a year ago and it scared me to pieces. I spent two weeks telepathically commanding him to breath, followed by the birth of my daughter – I spent more than six months telepathically commanding her to breath. we ended up getting a sids detector for her; the snoring tells me that daddy is still breathing. Luckily his snore isn’t all that loud.
I snore!
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