Evelyn

Feeling a tad bit hormonal. Also: Photos.

by Veronica on August 8, 2012

in Evelyn, Grief, Headfuck

Internet, I am feeling sooky. It’s probably a side effect of scoring a few days at home without blood tests or waiting for phone calls, but I’m feeling sooky and my hormones are obviously having a giant party without me.

It was triggered by a package in the mail from Marita at Stuff with Thing, that not only contained fleecy warm suits in 4×0 size for Evelyn, but the best gift for my older children as well. As I speak Amy is happily colouring in and Isaac is bothering her. This is on top of a package from Kelli and the breastpump and some gorgeous clothes from Kate.

I am so grateful for all of you that read here, the people I am proud to call friends, as well as the regular readers, commenters and lurkers. I have devoured every single comment in the last 12 days, with every well wish leaving a warm spot. It’s been fantastic to know that I have this level of support and hand holding when I need it.

The juxtaposition is, of course, my side of the family IRL, in which Evelyn’s birth seems to have flown pretty much under the radar. Not that I expected balloons and flowers, but a phone call would have been nice. An email even. A “like” on facebook. Any of these things would have worked, especially as I had to say no visitors in the hospital because of the whole NICU admission.

Of course, I don’t expect that the birth of my baby is something universally celebrated and making news with all of my family members everywhere.

It’s very possible I am just missing my grandmother a lot today and that my grief is manifesting as frustration with the rest of my family who are not dead.

In good news, the Clinic Health Nurse weighed Evelyn again this morning and she has gained back the weight she lost after birth, plus extra. Almost 80g overnight, taking her to a grand total weight of 2.44kg.

I TOLD YOU she was feeding well.

She’s a litttttle jaundiced, no? In the same way an oompa loompa is a little orange. We suspect a spray tan addiction.

She looks slightly less orange in natural light. Yay for natural light.

 

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Hospital: Narrowly avoided

by Veronica on August 7, 2012

in Evelyn

After an incredibly stressful night and morning, Evelyn’s blood tests came back. Her bilirubin is still on the rise, but they’re happy to continue to let us have her at home for a few more days, provided that we take her into hospital immediately if we have any concerns.

She’s still feeding well and has gained 20g overnight (probably the sole reason we were allowed to take her home again).

They are completely baffled as to why her bilirubin keeps rising when she’s feeding so well and gaining weight – especially when she’s had three sessions of phototherapy now. Consider me baffled as well, but I’m not going to think about it until I have to.

In the meantime, this is me celebrating the fact that I don’t have to take Evelyn back to hospital until Friday. Maybe her poor abused heels will have time to heal now. She’s covered in stick marks, poor baby.

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Looks like we’re heading back to hospital

by Veronica on August 6, 2012

in Evelyn, Headfuck

Evelyn had another blood test this morning – what we were hoping would be her last one. However, despite everything, her bilirubin levels have relapsed again and we need to have her bloods drawn again tomorrow morning.

“Come prepared to stay” was the verdict. I expect if the family unit had of been free tonight, I’d be typing this from the hospital. I don’t even know what to say about this. The last 10 days have been such a rollercoaster and I thought that we’d managed to step off the ride for a bit. I was wrong.

I’m a bit shattered. And stressed. And probably bitter too.

Also, note to anyone else out there with a newborn baby suffering jaundice, don’t google “jaundice in newborn not going away”. Trust me, you don’t want to read it.

This news came on top of a visit to my great-grandmother, who isn’t terribly well at the moment. She nearly passed out opening the door to us and thought that Isaac was Amy for the entire visit, even when we explained that Amy was at school and this was our son, Isaac.

My great grandmother hasn’t really recovered from the death of her husband and then the death of her daughter (my much grieved grandmother). It’s hard to see her like this and I’m glad she got to meet and hold Evelyn today. Evelyn is named for her, Nan being Kathleen.

It’s been a long day Internet and I don’t even know what to say. Evelyn’s jaundice isn’t getting any better and everything just feels crappy. Having to head back to hospital after two and a half days at home feels like I’m being sent to the naughty corner.

In the meantime, there was this. Excuse the pajamas and unbrushed hair.

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First night home

by Veronica on August 5, 2012

in Evelyn

Evelyn’s first night home was interesting. Amy and Isaac were over the moon to see us and then they promptly got very naughty – which I expected. I found a nice sunny spot for Evelyn to hang out in in her bassinet, so hopefully her jaundice will be improved by tomorrow.

Overnight, she was unsettled, until I had the bright idea that her cot probably smelled wrong and gave her my tshirt to sleep on. She promptly fell asleep and stayed that way. I woke up two hours later in a puddle of milk, only to discover that Evelyn had wee’d through her suit and wraps. One clothing change later and a feed, I was slightly less leaky, but Ev’s chances of leakiness had increased. Another hour’s sleep for us both, before she needed a nappy change, at which point she wee’d the moment I had her lie there without anything under her bum.

Yet another suit and new wrap later, she had the biggest feed ever and fell asleep for two and a half hours.

All of this is what you expect with a newborn. Isaac came to bed with me at about 2am as well, so from 5am he was keeping up a running commentary of his every thought next to me. Luckily I can sleep through Isaac’s observations and so, it appears, can Evelyn.

I’m quietly nervous about tomorrow – not in the same “the hospital is making me insane” panicky way that I was nervous about all her other bilirubin tests, but quietly nervous. Improved levels will mean that she comes home for good. Raised levels will mean another hospital admission for her, probably without anywhere for me to stay. It’s stressful to contemplate and I am trying not to.

Personally, I think her jaundice is improving, but having her look slightly less orange is no help when we’re going on blood tests. Especially not when she only looks less jaundiced in natural light, not the fluorescent lights they have in the hospital.

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And the hospital insanity has started

by Veronica on August 3, 2012

in Evelyn

image

The hospital insanity has started and continues to worsen. Knowing that something is best for your child and not wanting to kick things when it happens – those are two different things.

Evelyn and I are in hospital for another night, even though her jaundice levels are below the line for phototherapy. The reasons for this are completely sensible – they don’t want to send her home today, only to have her rebound and require time in special care next week without me. Logically, this makes lots of sense and it’s the decision I was expecting to be made when her bilirubin levels came back this morning.

Knowing that it’s logical doesn’t stop me wanting to cry however. Hospital is such an unreal environment and my mental state is suffering a bit. Add in hormones and I’m on shaky ground a bit.

Of course, this will all improve when we get to go home tomorrow, bringing Evelyn back in on Monday for a repeat blood test, while praying that everything is improving, not worsening.

Her poo has gone a lovely black/green colour, which I can only hope is all of the toxins leaving her system as fast as they can.

On the upside, she is feeding amazingly well and not needing bottle top ups.

Basically, it’s all good news, I’m just insane and hormonal. Also eminently thankful that I have the tablet, my kindle has books on it and my phone has music.

Oh! And even better news? Today’s weigh in shows that Evelyn gained weight. Only a tiny amount, but can we all give a cheer for my super milk producing breasts?

Now I’m going to hunt down the tissues and have a cry.

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