I was 14. I was sitting in a toilet, at school waiting for a pee stick to show one line or two. I sat there, waiting, watching the second hand on my watch click. Tick. tick. tick.
I waited the allotted 3 mintues, peering at the stick intently. Turning it on an angle, just to check.
At the end of the 3 minutes, the pee stick was negative. I could breathe again. The next day, my period started.
Now, at the time I was in a steady relationship and I was on the pill. We were however, busily involved in exploring the differences between girls and boys and because I have a latex allergy, well, you know how things go.
While I was with him, I spent an awful lot of money on pregnancy tests. Luckily, my pill worked beautifully and I didn’t get pregnant. Not to him.
I think the nerves I felt when I was waiting for that first pregnancy test to show a result, were the exact same nerves have felt waiting for every single pregnancy test to show a result.
Counting the clock seconds, watching the stick and angling it, just in case I wasn’t looking at it properly. Perfecting my pee stick squint, years before I needed to have it perfected.
I remember peeing on the stick that told me I was pregnant with Amy. I was 17 and it was Christmas eve. I held the stick in my hands, leaned up against the wall and slowly slid down, until I was sitting on the bathroom floor. I sat there with my future clutched in my hands, while Nathan waited in the loungeroom watching TV.
I watched it turn darkly positive before even a minute had passed. I looked at it and then rushed to show Nathan. We hugged, kissed and then I promptly rang a friend.
I might have been only 17, but we knew how we wanted our life to be and having children young tied in with our plans.
After the positive test thrill with Amy, I went many months without the need for a pregnancy test. Until we started thinking that having the children close together would be a good idea.
I got negative after negative after negative. All with that same feeling of nerves and fear/excitement in the pit of mt stomach.
So, after we had been trying with concerted effort for months, I swore I wasn’t going to buy anymore pregnancy tests. I had one test that sat in the bathroom cupboard for months, unused. I just couldn’t handle the thought of seeing another negative again.
So, it took a lot of courage for me to be able to take a pregnancy test this time. I took it and waited. My second line didn’t show up for a few minutes and when it did, it was faint. I spent the entire day, picking up the test and looking at it. I still do.
It just feels so surreal, a positive result finally, after so many negatives.
A good surreal, but surreal all the same.
I have an appointment for an ultrasound on Wednesday afternoon, hopefully I will be back with half decent scan photos to share with you.
