Sleepless Nights

Blog

  • Sleep and Toys

    Things Isaac did just do:

    Blew raspberries on my boob.

    Got all excited and tried to eat my chin.

    Smiled and goo’ed.

    Things Isaac did not just do.

    Feed.

    Sleep.

    It’s past 11pm. How is your day going?

    ***

    I cleaned out my toy cupboard today. It’s looking a little … sad. Three toys that vibrate and one of those I won’t use for anything other than shoulder and back massage. (Why? THIS is why.)

    Do you think if I asked nicely Eden Fantasys would send me some more stuff to review? Cos you know, I wouldn’t mind. Would you?

    ***

    Isaac’s seizure, blah blah blah. I’m done researching. There is scary scary shit out there that causes seizures in babies with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and I just don’t want to think about it anymore. LALALALALALA.

    Fuck you research.

    I’m waiting on a phone call with a date to have Isaac suffer through an EEG.

    Until then, you know as much as I do.

    He hasn’t had another one, so that’s one good thing.

    ***

    Panic attacks.

    How normal are they?

    Because damn if I’m not having to remind myself to breathe as everything closes in on me and my heart races and oh my fucking GOD.

    I’m sick of them.

    They’re grief fueled, but still. They can go away now.

    ***

    My baby is still not sleeping and YES, I KNOW I haven’t had anything decent to say lately. But, you know.

    How are you?

  • Well now

    A few of you already know this, but Isaac had a seizure on Thursday. Just a little one, but a seizure nonetheless.

    He had been refusing to nap and finally (FINALLY!) I got him to feed properly and he fell asleep at my breast. A few moments later, he started to shake. Badly. His head went from side to side and his body started to flail.

    I thought, this isn’t normal. This is not just him dreaming, holy shit, Isaac!

    I stayed very calm. I cuddled him and 40 seconds later he was coming out of it. His eyes opened and he looked at me, but he was still dazed. He snuggled back down, fell asleep for another 2-3 minutes and then woke up, bright as a button and happy as he could be.

    Or you know, as happy as a napless baby with only 5 minutes of sleep under his belt could be.

    SO.

    Yesterday, I rang our doctor to ask for an appointment. On discovering why I wanted an appointment (‘My 6 month old BABY had a SEIZURE and I want to see someone TODAY PLEASE’) they requested that I head down to emergency with him to be seen by a Paediatrician.

    Insert big sigh here.

    I KNOW he needed to see a Paed, but sitting down at emergency all day wasn’t going to be fun.

    And it turns out, I was right. It actually kinda sucked. We sat there all day. ALLLLL DAY.

    Eventually, after Isaac gave a urine sample (Yay Nathan on the catch of a lifetime! And on Mum for spotting it starting. Me? I was taking a break from the penis watch) and they looked at him and listened to him, and hours later they sent us home.

    Isaac was pronounced ‘Much too well to come up to the Paeds Ward and potentially catch everything going around up there. However…’

    However.

    They want to see him as an outpatient in the next few days for an EEG to test for epilepsy or any other seizure causing things. Then they want to see him in the Paeds clinic for a follow up. With the family history of epilepsy (Nathan’s mum has epilepsy) and the family history of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which can have seizure like ‘episodes‘ as a symptom, they’re keen to investigate.

    We’re also to take him straight back to emergency if he has another seizure. Joy.

    I swear, this son of mine is determined to make me grey.

  • Daily Life

    I move through my days the same as I always did. Only now, it’s sadder. Things are the same and yet they are irreparably different. I try very hard not to think about things, but I’m not entirely sure that pushing it down to deal with later won’t have consequences.

    Books lined against my walls, no bookshelf to hold them.

    Shampoo in the shower. It still smells like Nan.

    I haven’t been able to remove my pictures off the wall in my bedroom at her house. Not yet. Maybe another time. I don’t think I could bear to see them here and yet, I couldn’t bear to throw them away.

    It’s not easy.

    ***

    I run my finances through a calculator. Money in vs. money out.

    Groceries. Petrol. Bills.

    I don’t like the numbers so I run them again. And again. And again.

    There is only so many things you can cut out.

    Fuck.

    I need a job.

    ***

    Amy sleeps until 9.30am this morning, a welcome break. Unfortunately Isaac awoke at some ungodly hour and refused to be consoled with boobs. It’s not how I was planning on starting my morning.

    It never is.

    Neither kid is sleeping well and my insomnia has well and truly set in.

    Eventually I will crash, but not now. Not today.

    ***

    My postpartum hair loss stopped in May. I was thankful. There are only so many strands of your own hair you can choke on before it starts to get old.

    However.

    My hair is falling out in handfuls.

    Stress maybe?

    ***

    Yesterday was a day filled with energy and tasks and hot baked bread.

    Today is cold and dreary and time is running slower. A good book and a hot drink would be more than welcome but my short people insist on food and entertainment and attention. Naptime is never long enough and Amy doesn’t nap anyway.

    ***

    A program on TV. Someone dying, a family standing around crying.

    ‘Turn it off Nathan. I don’t need to watch that. It’s worse when it’s real life.’

    Click.

  • There are words

    There are words, screaming in my head, wanting to get out.

    I sit down to type them out and find that I’ve lost them. They used to fall from my brain to my fingertips effortlessly. I think they’re getting lost in there somewhere now. Maybe I’m crying them out? Maybe there is a backlog in around my heart somewhere and one day the dam will break and you’ll find yourself reading five posts in a day.

    Who knows.

    I know that I used to use my blog as a dumping ground, write it out and move on.

    I want to write about how heavy my heart feels when I help Mum clean Nan’s house. How possessions of hers weigh heavily on my chest. I wish she’d been able to give more things away herself like she wanted to, rather than the sorting process we’ve got going on.

    There are words in my head screaming to get out.

    ***

    A few days after Nan died, I had a dream. We were sitting at Mum’s talking, as we used to do often.

    Nan said ‘You need to come down and help me get things organised.’

    ‘Okay.’

    ‘The cupboards need sorting. You’ve got to be careful of all the lids though.’

    Nan had a cupboard filled with all her plastic containers. Ever single bit of plastic she owned went in that cupboard. When I woke from the dream, I assumed that Nan saying ‘be careful of all the lids’ meant ‘for the love of god don’t lose my lids!’.

    I was wrong.

    When Mum and I sorted that cupboard? We found lids. And more lids. And then some more lids. Most of them without the accompaning containers.

    I should have known. It wasn’t ‘be careful of all the lids so none get lost‘ it was actually ‘be careful you don’t drown in lids while you’re sitting on the floor sorting things.’

    Thanks for the warning Nan.

  • Early Mornings.

    ‘Mummy! I am AWAKE!’

    ‘Mmmmphghs. fuck.’

    Stumble stumble stumble. I glance at my watch. Ugh.

    ‘Amy. It’s still dark. Do you want to go back to sleep for me please?’

    ‘No. Amy is awake. We go in the loungeroom and watch TV!’

    ‘Ugh. Move over. Mum will cuddle you. Brrrr, it’s cold. Here, snuggle down and close your eyes.’

    I climb into bed with Amy and close my eyes.

    ‘Amy does not want to close her eyes. Amy is awake. Hi MUMMY!’

    ‘Hi Amy. Here, come and have a cuddle.’

    ‘Okay. Incy wincy spider…. You sing it Mum.’

    ‘Mummy doesn’t want to sing. Mummy wants to go back to sleep.’

    Amy walks her fingers up my head.

    ‘MUM! MUM! There is a spider on your head. See?’

    Her fingers walk back down my face.

    ‘Amy, it’s not time to get up yet. Snuggle down and go back to sleep.’

    ‘But Amy is not tired.’

    ‘Mummy is tired.’

    ‘Are you tired Mum? Are you tired? Mum, mummummumumummm, are you tired?’

    ‘Yes Amy, I am tired.’

    ‘You going back to sweep Mum?’

    ‘MMmmrpgh.’

    ‘MUM! Are you sweeping?’

    ‘Mmmmmm.’

    ‘Is okay Mummy, Amy will sing. Incy Wincy Spider climbed up a… Mummy, is your turn now.’

    ‘Amy?’

    ‘Yes? Oh NO. MUMMY LOOK! There is a cat on Amy’s drawers. Don worry Mum, Amy fix it.’

    ‘Amy, get back here, what are you – DON’T put the cat in the drawer!’

    ‘Is okay Mummy, Amy come snuggle now. Cat is fixed.’

    ‘Go and get the cat back out of the drawer. It’s very naughty to put the cat in the drawers!’

    ‘Amy not get the cat out. The cat is sweeping.’ [makes snoring noises]

    ‘The cat is not sleeping, go and get it out.’

    ‘Amy not want to. Cat is sweeping. Amy is sweeping.’ [Makes more fake snoring noises.]

    ‘BING! Amy is AWAKE! C’mon Mummy, les get UP!’

    Oh my god.

    ‘Come on then. Let’s get up.’

    ‘YAY! YAY! YAY! Is Isaac awake?’

    ‘No, Isaac is sleeping.’

    ‘Don worry Mummy, Amy will wake Isaac up.’

    ‘No! Leave Isaac alone!’

    ‘Isaac! Is time to wake up!’

    Isaac cries, Nathan mumbles and I am UP! and AWAKE! with the kids at a godawful time. Is it too late to start today again?