Schwackers – A Critique

I love the word schwacker. It just rolls off my tongue so nicely, schhhhhhhhwacker. Go on, say it out loud. You know you want to.

Schhhhhhwacker.

Anyway, since I have been running around like a mad women, desparately trying to schwack mice (mice=100 Veronica=0) I have begun to see the various pros and cons of schwackers.

Like this schwacker. This schwacker is actually a book. See? A David Eddings book to be precise. Nice and light, it has a good feel to it. Very nice weight and it makes a good SCHWACK sound when you hit something with it (say, your husband when he is giving you the shits). I am hoping that the sound would turn into more of a SCHWOMP when I actually manage to hit a mouse. Then I worry about mouse bits getting stuck to the cover…

However, with Nathan being so anti-clutter, I regularly find myself chasing mice without my handy David Eddings book.

In cases like those, anything will do as a schwacker.

Take my shoe for example. It wasn’t my first schwacker and it probably isn’t the schwacker of choice. It was the one I picked up when I hadn’t yet discovered the David Eddings book. It makes more of a THIMP sound when you schwack something with it.

I’m not sure anything that made a thimp sound would suitably stun a mouse to be honest.

Now, here we have the wooden woman model of schwacker. I grabbed her off the bench when the mice were partying in the dog food the other night.

She has a lovely curve to the back of her shoulders and I doubt very much that a mouse would be running away after being hit with this baby.

She also has wonderful handle like legs. Great for holding. When you hit her on something she makes a lovely THWACK sound.

Isn’t she pretty?

She cracks nuts too apparently. Between her legs. Trust my partner to have something like this. However I will forgive her all her sins if I can use her to kill mice. Heh.

I don’t imagine a flyswatter would be much good for schwacking mice, do you?

However, I suppose if that was all you had to hand and you wielded it hard enough and fast enough (oh, there are so many jokes I could make about now…) it *might* work.

I wouldn’t count on it to do much more than annoy the mouse. And annoyed mice are vicious mice, so make sure to sleep with your toes tucked tightly under the covers. Mice are great ones for revenge.

Just sayin’.

Also? I really wouldn’t recommend schwacking with a slice of bread. It *may* have the right shape and size, but a slice of bread is really not going to make a good schwacker. Well, unless you glue it to a piece of wood. Then it might work.

Maybe.

Now, personally, this would make a great schwacker, ESPECIALLY if you tied it to a broom handle. A little unwieldy, but practise makes perfect, right?

I can just imagine it, SHCWAP! SCHWAP! as the mouse tried to run away.

Perfect for those people who are scared of mice.

You could even get really bloodthirsty and stick thumbtacks to the paddle bit. Then no matter how softly you hit the mouse, he wouldn’t be getting away. Yup, I am a little bit evil. Shhhhhh.

A tennis racket would make a great schwacker, but please, don’t hit the mouse too hard. You don’t want mousey bits to ooze up through the holes. No, really, you don’t.

My advice? If you use a tennis racket, then make sure you don’t schwack the living daylights out of the mouse.

Yes, the idea is to kill the mouse, but not to mangle it! Sheesh! Ask yourself, do you really want to clean mouse guts out of the carpet, lino, tennis racket? Really?

However, of all the schwackers I have looked at today, this one must be the best.

It would be the biggest, hardiest schwacker that I have seen. I wants it. I needs it. I could kill 10 mice at a time with it.

Look, isn’t it beautiful?

IMAGINE HOW MANY MICE WOULD DIE IF I COERCED THEM TO SIT UNDERNEATH IT AND THEN DROPPED IT ON THEIR HEADS!

Many many mice.

Pity that I wouldn’t be able to lift it. Or get it through my doors. Or you know, even get close to dropping it on them.

Damn mice.

*****

I promise, unless the mice kidnap me tonight, I will have something other than mice and shcwackers to talk about tomorrow.