A Mouse Schwacking We Will Go.

by Veronica on May 1, 2008

in Animals

I was sitting in the bedroom this afternoon, talking to Nathan and I could hear a strange sound. First, I thought it was my ear popping. Then I thought that something I was sitting on was crinkling. Then I asked Nathan if he could hear it.

He looked at me like I was stupid and said ‘Hear what?’.

Much listening ensued and FINALLY, a noise, when Nathan was listening.

I moved myself (stealthily) to the corner of the bedroom, where a bunch of clothes were piled on the floor (remember, I have no drawers yet). I slowly started moving things when SUDDENLY! JUST AS I SUSPECTED! There was A MOUSE!

Now said mouse was actually a field mouse and oh my fucking god can those things run fast. I quickly threw a bowl upside down on top of it’s head to trap it (yes, there is a bowl in the bedroom. I regularly get late night nausea and getting out of bed is never my idea of a good time. Therefore I keep a bowl handy just in case. Yes, it does get thrown up in on occasion and yes, it does get washed regularly) and BAM! It was stuck.

Or so I (stupidly) thought.

Nathan handed me a bit of cardboard to slide under the bowl, so that we could move the mouse out to where the cats were.

I slid the cardboard… and oh my fucking god can field mice run fast. They can also squeeze through a tiny freaking gap.

It moved almost faster than I could see, out of the bedroom, into the hall and under the sheet I keep on Amy’s gate (the sheet is tied around the gate to stop Seven bothering Amy at 3am, or crapping in the bedroom).

I held my bowl ready to be used as a schwacker as I moved the sheet, very very slowly.


Went the mouse as it zipped past me and I cursed my sleepless reflexes.

I chased it just in time to watch it disappear under the recliner. I haven’t run that fast in ages.

Now, I was all for throwing the recliner across the lounge room so that I could schwack the damn mouse, but Nathan moved it slowly slowly (much too slowly for me, as I hopped up and down impatiently).

And there was no mouse left. We did however, find the hole that the mouse disappeared into.

Where were that cats, that I have been purposly keeping hungry just for this purpose? Um, they were in the kitchen. Looking for food. While I, A HUMAN, tried to chase down their mouse for them.


Cue 3 hours later and I am sitting here writing emails and comments.


A mouse flies (okay, so it didn’t really fly, but goddamn was it fast) out of our bedroom and disappears under a bag of clothing set aside for the Salvos.

I screech at Nathan to get a cat, any cat, JUST GET A DAMN CAT, while I stand by the bag, ready to stomp (I’m not sure how I would have gone, I had bare feet) on any mouse trying to poke it’s nose out from underneath.

Nathan appears with a cat and I whisk the bag away as Nathan drops the cat, DIRECTLY ON THE MOUSE.

Now in it’s defence, said cat is still a kitten and she has probably never seen a mouse before. STILL you would think that she would do something other than look at us with a stupid expression while the mouse shimmied into a crack and disappeared.

Stupid ass cat.

So now, Nathan and I have a plan.

We are each going to hold a schwacker (one of my shoes) while we slowly and steadily pick up items of clothing in our bedroom. There is a very good chance we may turn up a third mouse.

In the event that we find a mouse (and god damn, we better find a mouse) we are going to schwack it on the head UNTIL IT IS DEAD.

Then we are going to defile it’s dead body (please don’t tell the UN) by tying a string to it and teaching the kittens how to catch, kill and eat mice.

We figure they need the lesson.

I shall be back to report shortly. Like as soon as Amy goes to sleep and I can get into my bedroom without her seeing me through the doorway.


Total letdown. No mice to schwack in the bedroom, not even a skitter or a scurry. The UN would be pleased. I however am not.

I even had my piece of string ready.

They better be careful though, because I am ready for them.

Until then, maybe mice are just attracted to me?

witchypoo May 1, 2008 at 10:26 pm

I know mice are God’s creatures, but I have no freaking problem murdering the disease-bearing vermin. None.

witchypoos last blog post..Freedomโ€™s Just Another Word

Trish May 1, 2008 at 10:39 pm

I hope my new kitten is a good mouser I hate the vermin too .. good idea !!!

Love what you did with your Mum’s blog.It rocks !

Trishs last blog post..Warning …

Bettina May 1, 2008 at 10:44 pm

Our cats never catch the damn mice when we want them too…….. they always wait till weeks later when we’ve given up hope and aren’t waiting expectantly and THEN catch the f*ckers. *rolls eyes*

Bettinas last blog post..Hot Hunk Thursday

Lou May 1, 2008 at 10:46 pm

Every woman that I know, personally, that is to say, by sight, or touch, or whatever, is absolutely freaked out by mice and wouldn’t go near one with a ten foot pole. You are, officially, My Hero. Because, to tell you the truth, big, old, hairy-fisted ex-Marine wouldn’t, either.

Lous last blog post..one third of one lap

Lou May 1, 2008 at 10:48 pm

‘They’ are right. Confession IS good for the soul. I feel SO MUCH better, now.

Lous last blog post..one third of one lap

Ree May 1, 2008 at 11:39 pm

I’m still laughing about schwack. Be careful though. You teach those cats to catch mice and they’ll be leaving them on your pillow as pressies.


Rees last blog post..W(h)ine with Lunch? Thereโ€™s an idea.

Suzie May 1, 2008 at 11:41 pm


Whats going on in the world we are being over run by mice?

Get it kill it! My thoughts are with you.

Cat May 2, 2008 at 12:16 am

Oh man, I hate mice, hate hate hate them. You need a terrier, they are great ratters! But Seven might be disgrunted. Perhaps you just need to keep that string close to you at all times instead.

Cats last blog post..Net Worth 1 May 08

Memarie Lane May 2, 2008 at 12:23 am

I have a better idea. Buy a mouse at the pet store, and put it in one of those plastic exercise ball things so it can run around the house in it without getting lost. The cats will get the idea in no time and it will be less work for you.

Memarie Lanes last blog post..Big announcement!

nikki May 2, 2008 at 12:52 am

Dude, I HATE mice. Creepy little suckers. There are handy traps out there that you can buy where the mice crawl into a box like container to get the food and never make it out alive. The best part? The box is enclosed and you never see ANYTHING. It’s magic.

nikkis last blog post..More signs I’m a dork

Jayna May 2, 2008 at 1:51 am

Cats can be so worthless sometimes. We had a lizard in the house the other day and all three of my over-fed brats just sat there and watched it. (I don’t have a problem with lizards, they’re great, it’s just that the lazy cats didn’t even make an effort as I was chasing it around the house). And don’t even get me started on the roaches they ignore!

Robyn May 2, 2008 at 2:20 am

Adventures in mouse catching! This is freaking hilarious and reminds me of a day, when my MIL stood screaming on a chair while my hubby and his brother chased one poor little mouse around with a broom and a shovel……

Robyns last blog post..

Jenty May 2, 2008 at 3:36 am

I can just imagine how irritated you are with the whole mouse thing… but OMW this made me giggle ๐Ÿ™‚

Jentys last blog post..Almost party time

Hyphen Mama May 2, 2008 at 4:53 am

It’s like a little mouse circus! You should take video and post it for us all to get a giggle.

Hyphen Mamas last blog post..Pet Peeve Thursday–May Day Edition

Momo Fali May 2, 2008 at 5:34 am

Good luck schwacking! I would be sleeping on top of my refrigerator if I were you. I hate rodents.

Momo Falis last blog post..Does Two Out Of Forty-Two Pay Anything?

anja May 2, 2008 at 8:06 am

My dogs catch rats and give them to me for presents.

Peanut butter attracts the little suckers. They can’t resist it. Lure the filthy little thing and slam!

anjas last blog post..Hot Hunk Thursday.

imaginary binky May 2, 2008 at 8:34 am

We once found a baby mouse floating dead in a sink full of dishes that we left soaking overnight. Perhaps you can lure them to a watery grave?

imaginary binkys last blog post..Shave and a haircut, two bits

HRH May 2, 2008 at 10:40 am

I have had some cats that would rival yours in mouse catching worthlessness. Ugh.

HRHs last blog post..Holly throws herself under the alternative-fuel bus…

Amanda May 2, 2008 at 12:37 pm

I am terrified of mice. Terrified.

Amandas last blog post..The Tin Can Adventures: The Human Trash Target

Kat May 2, 2008 at 3:21 pm

LOL, lol….
“We are each going to hold a schwacker….”
The word “schwacker” is cracking me UP, woman!

Sorry, I’ve been a bad blog-friend lately. Hardly have taken the time to post on my own much less read others but I had to see what was happening in your world. =)

Reminds me of something – my first apartment in Hollywood when I was 18. I woke up at 3am to this loud BANG, BANG, BANG… ran into my roomie’s bedroom to find her and her boyfriend trying to kill a mouse with a frying pan.

Kats last blog post..Places I’ve Been In Europe

river May 2, 2008 at 3:27 pm

I laughed myself silly reading this.You reminded me of Speedy Gonzales, a cartoon I used to watch many years ago. Fastest mexican mouse in history.
anja is right, mice love peanut butter, so set a trap with that and once the mouse is caught give it to a cat to finish off if it isn’t already dead.
I am totally adopting schwacker and schwacking.Great words.

frogpondsrock May 2, 2008 at 8:53 pm

Oh Sweety I am giggling away like mad here… Schwack,Schwackers and Schwacking…. such beautifully expressive words..


frogpondsrocks last blog post..Mystery object revealed.. tadaa!!!

Tara May 2, 2008 at 9:15 pm

OMG you are so brave! Seriously – brave!

I am such a city girl. Yes, I have chickens, but they freaked me out for the first couple of weeks. I HATE mice – hate hate hate them. But we have some living in the storage room (eating chicken treats), and I just pray I never see one. Eeek!

Taz May 2, 2008 at 10:37 pm

good luck with the whole mouse hunt.. ๐Ÿ™‚

mother cat doesnt seemed to of taught her offspring anything.. ๐Ÿ™‚

Tazs last blog post..27 Weeks Old

zoe May 3, 2008 at 5:02 am

awww. your gonna beat the poor little things tiny brains out???? ๐Ÿ™

zoes last blog post..Back Off

Sandy (Momisodes) May 4, 2008 at 12:17 am

Oooh, we had field mice in our last house. They ARE freaking fast and can crawl through anything!!! Good luck sweetie. I heard they’re attracted to peanut butter. We placed a little on some mouse traps, and we caught a bunch. Good luck! Hope kitty catches on.

Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..Four Time

Dawn May 6, 2008 at 12:31 am

hee hee

Dawns last blog post..From the Archives – Alex Day 9

Loraine May 7, 2008 at 12:01 pm

::shudder:: mice…
I went to Mexico last march with my anthropology professor and some other students. We stayed in a lodge house on a ranch that looked pretty nice (for the most part), but was infested by mice! There were even droppings on the beds! But where else could we sleep? We cleaned up as much as we could, but slept with one eye open…

Loraines last blog post..wasted time

texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvana October 23, 2008 at 12:27 am

I remember this post, in fact it is the one I think of when I think of your blog. Too funny. My cat is still worthless. You may have to invest in some reusable traps which may be MUCH more reliable than shoes or cats.

texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..Why Holly’s children cover their head and run when they see Oprah

Colleen October 23, 2008 at 1:23 am

My cat won’t catch mice, either. But DAMN is he good at catchin’ flies!

Colleens last blog post..The awesome adventures of two roadtrippin’ Mommies

jamie October 23, 2008 at 1:32 am

Our cats are even stupider. Last year, they brought a mouse inside and released it. Then it lived large in our kitchen for THREE WEEKS, despite my trapping efforts, peeing all over the counters daily. Man, that made me cranky.

jamies last blog post..Falling for Vermont

Reluctant Housewife October 25, 2008 at 9:14 am

I hoped training the cats to catch the mice worked!

Reluctant Housewifes last blog post..Me and Mom

Comments on this entry are closed.

{ 7 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: