A Mouse Schwacking We Will Go.

I was sitting in the bedroom this afternoon, talking to Nathan and I could hear a strange sound. First, I thought it was my ear popping. Then I thought that something I was sitting on was crinkling. Then I asked Nathan if he could hear it.

He looked at me like I was stupid and said ‘Hear what?’.

Much listening ensued and FINALLY, a noise, when Nathan was listening.

I moved myself (stealthily) to the corner of the bedroom, where a bunch of clothes were piled on the floor (remember, I have no drawers yet). I slowly started moving things when SUDDENLY! JUST AS I SUSPECTED! There was A MOUSE!

Now said mouse was actually a field mouse and oh my fucking god can those things run fast. I quickly threw a bowl upside down on top of it’s head to trap it (yes, there is a bowl in the bedroom. I regularly get late night nausea and getting out of bed is never my idea of a good time. Therefore I keep a bowl handy just in case. Yes, it does get thrown up in on occasion and yes, it does get washed regularly) and BAM! It was stuck.

Or so I (stupidly) thought.

Nathan handed me a bit of cardboard to slide under the bowl, so that we could move the mouse out to where the cats were.

I slid the cardboard… and oh my fucking god can field mice run fast. They can also squeeze through a tiny freaking gap.

It moved almost faster than I could see, out of the bedroom, into the hall and under the sheet I keep on Amy’s gate (the sheet is tied around the gate to stop Seven bothering Amy at 3am, or crapping in the bedroom).

I held my bowl ready to be used as a schwacker as I moved the sheet, very very slowly.

ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Went the mouse as it zipped past me and I cursed my sleepless reflexes.

I chased it just in time to watch it disappear under the recliner. I haven’t run that fast in ages.

Now, I was all for throwing the recliner across the lounge room so that I could schwack the damn mouse, but Nathan moved it slowly slowly (much too slowly for me, as I hopped up and down impatiently).

And there was no mouse left. We did however, find the hole that the mouse disappeared into.

Where were that cats, that I have been purposly keeping hungry just for this purpose? Um, they were in the kitchen. Looking for food. While I, A HUMAN, tried to chase down their mouse for them.

*****

Cue 3 hours later and I am sitting here writing emails and comments.

ZIP ZIP ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

A mouse flies (okay, so it didn’t really fly, but goddamn was it fast) out of our bedroom and disappears under a bag of clothing set aside for the Salvos.

I screech at Nathan to get a cat, any cat, JUST GET A DAMN CAT, while I stand by the bag, ready to stomp (I’m not sure how I would have gone, I had bare feet) on any mouse trying to poke it’s nose out from underneath.

Nathan appears with a cat and I whisk the bag away as Nathan drops the cat, DIRECTLY ON THE MOUSE.

Now in it’s defence, said cat is still a kitten and she has probably never seen a mouse before. STILL you would think that she would do something other than look at us with a stupid expression while the mouse shimmied into a crack and disappeared.

Stupid ass cat.

So now, Nathan and I have a plan.

We are each going to hold a schwacker (one of my shoes) while we slowly and steadily pick up items of clothing in our bedroom. There is a very good chance we may turn up a third mouse.

In the event that we find a mouse (and god damn, we better find a mouse) we are going to schwack it on the head UNTIL IT IS DEAD.

Then we are going to defile it’s dead body (please don’t tell the UN) by tying a string to it and teaching the kittens how to catch, kill and eat mice.

We figure they need the lesson.

I shall be back to report shortly. Like as soon as Amy goes to sleep and I can get into my bedroom without her seeing me through the doorway.

*****

Total letdown. No mice to schwack in the bedroom, not even a skitter or a scurry. The UN would be pleased. I however am not.

I even had my piece of string ready.

They better be careful though, because I am ready for them.

Until then, maybe mice are just attracted to me?